two-tone, a kick too much
that's what she said
a fire, more than a light
and then I'm spent

and I'll bet that
you're never comfy in your bed
no scratch that
you're always awkward giving head

break down, on the receipt
run out of ink
a fire, more than a light
or watch me blink

I'll bet that you're never comfy in your bed
and you're oh-so awkward baby,
so god-damn awkward giving head

so suddenly, so sudden
suddenly so sullen
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jul 1, 2009,
a kick too much

YES! I absolutely love the guts out of this line, whether it ties into something else or not. and it isn't 'one' kick, its 'a' kick. This is a line man. I get it. damsch.

So, keeping it short, I really really really like the first, third and last stanza. I very much though do not like the 2nd and fourth. It's not poetry those, more like pornography, in that I don't see the artistic merit in them. It's like when you hear a bad joke youre like "yeah, I get it, and it's not good". thats what I think of the 'head' stanzas.

But man, numbers 1, 3 and 5 - ausgezeichnet!
its a shame people keep letting pieces like this slip down the page. I thought this said exactly what it needed to and what you wanted to. the last stanza seemed to layer on some crazy deep meaning that I didnt want to read in conjuncture with the rest of it.

Great job regardless. these are my favorite kind of pieces from you.
How did i miss this!?!

I skipped the crits, so sorry if I repeat, but I felt the two "head" stanzas were a little bad taste. Like someone making fart jokes over and over again. Funny, but annoying. Expecially considering how clever everything else here was. The last stanza, well, i hope i can work out what it means in connection with everything else.
Last two lines would refer to the reaction once you bring these feelings into the open.

Ta for the replies.

I should be back full time here soon, so woop, jusy unpacking and things.
2nd stanza was well the best, like.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
the first stanza is very creative
my favorite part is "your always akward giving head" :P
i know this is no full crit, but just give mine a quick look if you would
Quote by herby190
When I saw that, I thought of musical notes.... my elementary school teachers taught them as "tee-tees" "ta-tas" and a bunch of other nonsense....