#1
Its 4/4 has a Latin feel to it in the vein of Put Your Lights On and Smooth. Got a few more things to work out. Any advice is welcome

Verse 1

Why does she say
that tomorrow will heal the pain
and Why does she say
that time will make her over make her beautiful
and Why does she hold her head so high
With her heart full of shame

Verse 2

I look in her eyes
so beautiful so clear
but I can still see the strain
from the weight of her world on her shoulders

Prechorus

And I keep wondering why
when she's got nobody to hold her
to tell her its gonna be alright
is the lady so discreet

So I said

Chorus

I'll open my arms
And take her away
And make it so she'll never have to face the pain
I won't wait for time
I'll make her beautiful
I'll make her beautiful

Verse 3

So I went to the place
the cold and lonely place where she spends her nights and days
and told her what I had to say

Verse 4

But when she opened her eyes
I saw the truth
and when she smiled her smile back at me
I could tell that she knew it to
and as she put her tired hand on my cheek
she said

Prechorus

I can never leave this place
You see the world outside just ain't meant for me
But I've got my dreams
and tonight if I can just find my way to sleep and

Chorus

You just open your arms
You'll take me away
and I'll never have to face the pain
I'll still have to wait for time
But you'll make me beautiful
You'll make me beautiful

Bridge


Solo


Outro

I went to see her today
But the tall sad man told me they took her away
Said she couldn't wait for time

Quote by FreedomFighter
Get it right and God will come down and say, "Here son, have MY ballsack".
Last edited by SloBurn at Jul 1, 2009,
#2
Very nice nice approach, I like how you put it all together.

The one thing I would suggest to you, keep the same number of syllables per line , per verse, on some of the lines in some of the verses you have 3 syllables and on others you have like 10. What I am saying is this, when you rhyme something, keep the number of syllables the same as the line that is rhyming with it. It will definitely sound better. You definitely don't wont to have one line that has say 3 syllables and another line that has say 10 syllables, keep the same amount of syllables per per each line if possible.

Overall, I think it is a very good effort and a good song. Good job!
#3
Thanks man. I'm still in the process of trying to boil everything down, so it feels more natural and works in a groove.

Quote by FreedomFighter
Get it right and God will come down and say, "Here son, have MY ballsack".
#4
Finished version


Verse 1

Why does she say
that tomorrow will heal the pain
and Why does she say
that time will make her over make her beautiful

Verse 2

I look in her eyes
so peaceful so clear
but I can still see the strain
from the weight of her world on her shoulders

Prechorus

I keep wondering why
the lady so discreet
And all I wanna do

Chorus

Is open my arms
And take her away
And make it so she never has to face the pain
I won't wait for time
I'll make her beautiful
I'll make her beautiful

Verse 3

So I went to the place
the cold and lonely place
where she spends her nights and days
and told her what I had to say

Verse 4

But when she opened her eyes I saw the truth
and through her weary smile I could tell that she knew it to
and as she put her tired hand on my cheek
she said

Chorus

I can never leave this place
You see the world outside just ain't meant for me
But I've got my dreams
and tonight if I can just find my way to light
I'll be alright

Bridge

But all I wanna do
Is open my arms
And take her away
And ease her pain


Solo Section


Outro
I went to see her today
But the tall man said they took her away
Said she couldn't wait for time

Quote by FreedomFighter
Get it right and God will come down and say, "Here son, have MY ballsack".