#1
okay, im just gonna quick say a few things for you to PLEASE not critisize (however u spell it) about b4 i post it:
1. this is one of my first songs, duh, its not perfect, im asking for advice
2. yes, i know it doesn't exactly have the "nicest" lyrics.
k, please tell me ways to help make it better

All This Crap

what's with all of this,
crap that you have said,
how have we believed all this bullsh** that we're fed (All above is chorus)
these revelations have no meaning,
if all we do is lie,
and we've been told lies, day by day,
and they believe, whatever it is you say
but im different, I know (I know).....
you don't know what you're saying,
you don't know when we'll die,
so shutup! (Shutup!)
(Chorus)
You think you know what to do, you think you know what to say,
but you know nothing, so shut the hell up!
we all hate you, that is all you need to know,
but you don't seem to get it, you know nothing!
you don't know when to stop,
you can't figure it out!
you suck! go die!
but I still can't figure it out............
what's with all of this, Sh** that you have said,
how have we believed, all this bullsh** we've been fed,
you don't know what to do, you don't know what to say,
so shut the HELL, UP!
Last edited by flying turky at Jul 1, 2009,
#3
Quote by BoxCarMothra
Uhh....it's certainly angsty.


+1
Soon, death metal's drums will be so fast only computers will be able to listen to it.

94? Not bad. It shall improve >=)

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#5
k then, that sure is nice of you to say..... especially when im ASKING FOR HELP

i already told you, that is one of my first songs, i was pissed off when i wrote it, i could barely think, and im better at writing songs now. i just suck at revising, so im asking for help. i even said that at the start of the post.
Last edited by flying turky at Jul 1, 2009,
#6
Quote by flying turky
k then, that sure is nice of you to say..... especially when im ASKING FOR HELP

i already told you, that is one of my first songs, i was pissed off when i wrote it, i could barely think, and im better at writing songs now. i just suck at revising, so im asking for help. i even said that at the start of the post.



Sorry, but the best thing to do for this would be to scrap it and start over. I can tell you were pissed, but the song you wrote just sounds like something you would shout at a wall while throwing a fit. If you can, I say you should channel that anger into a better song that isn't just a rant.
#7
It sounds better when you can actually hear it in your head, but k, I'll take ur advice. thanks, i guess.
#8
If you're gonna rap it it's good (I think, but I could be wrong because I don´t really listen to Rap) otherwise it's kinda bad.And I can´t really say do this or change that, because the problem is the entire style of the writing. What kind of song to you want to turn this into?
If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. - George W. Bush
I don't read books, but I have friends who do. - George W. Bush
Great spirits often meet violent opposition with mediocre minds - Albert Einstein
#9
im not really sure, but i CAN say that i definetly have the singer from Sum 41 stuck in my head (songs like No Brains, not ones like With Me or Peices)
#10
Don't like them either. Sorry, but my advise is don't be so straight to the point, use metaphors, you don't have to be clear. Read some books and things like that to get some ideas or try to read the lyrics of masters like Dylan.
If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. - George W. Bush
I don't read books, but I have friends who do. - George W. Bush
Great spirits often meet violent opposition with mediocre minds - Albert Einstein
#11
im guessing i probably shouldn't use this exact song anywhere... but, like, where do u mean that?
#12
I was not thinking anywhere particular, but imo for example take the beginning if instead you said something like: (really bad example)
Circles spinning,
Eyes focusing,
They hypnotize us,
With lies and tricks.
This with be along the lines of what I'd write to get that message across, but that's my taste and this isn't a really good example, but I think you get it.
But it's up to you, it's you decides what you like and don't so think what you like in the songs you like and try to write like that (but without simply copycatting).
If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. - George W. Bush
I don't read books, but I have friends who do. - George W. Bush
Great spirits often meet violent opposition with mediocre minds - Albert Einstein
Last edited by virtuosowannabe at Jul 1, 2009,