#1
part of me likes this... part of me is very unsure. c4c. this is a song. that does not excuse any problems with it, however.

chronic

where i spun within that chronic nebula
let the finite dissipate with the tangible.
my parched lips were coated in crystallized rain,
my heavy, junky breath was clean again.
i floated over a dying Earth
while the sun’s glow sunk into my skin.
iridized, limbs splayed,
but god, statuesque;
i sent a shadow down to the world;
an angel by a school of catholic girls.
one cried tears of joy as i passed,
idyllic and ethereal, slipping between
rusting fences and courtyard cracks.
now she lays awake
with her nightgown drawn tightly,
whispering, ‘where are you now?’,
clutching her pillow against the cold,
‘where are you now? where are you now?’
and i am frozen as i move further into the unknown,
smothered again by the ever-pressing dark.
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^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#2
if you can spare the syllables, and only if, maybe clarify this line a little
"but god, statuesque"
is it "but god, i am statuesque"
or "but i'm a god, statuesque"
or "but oh god, so statuesque"

i dunno, it feels something is missing from that line. No other complaints really, except the first two lines still feel a little wordy to me.
#3
Quote by Snowblind 911
where i spun within that chronic nebula
let the finite dissipate with the tangible.
I don't know whether you mean this to be 'nebula, letting' or 'where I let'; either way I think it could do with clarification
my parched lips were coated in crystallized rain,
I think 'parched' is too soft, I like the image but when I thought into it something along the lines of 'blistered' (but not that at all, b wouldn't work) would possibily be more effective
my heavy, junky breath was clean again.
i floated over a dying Earth
while the sun’s glow sunk into my skin.
iridized, limbs splayed,
but god, statuesque;
clarification?
i sent a shadow down to the world;
an angel by a school of catholic girls.
I don't think I like the punctuation here. The full stops seperates the bits of the story and makes them disjointed, which makes the overall harder to comphrehend
one cried tears of joy as i passed,
idyllic and ethereal, slipping between
rusting fences and courtyard cracks.
now she lays awake
with her nightgown drawn tightly,
whispering, ‘where are you now?’,
clutching her pillow against the cold,
‘where are you now? where are you now?’
and i am frozen as i move further into the unknown,
perhaps rid the 'and'?
smothered again by the ever-pressing dark.
I found this last line a bit of a downer. The introduction of the 'dark' idea and being 'smothered again' by it 'ever-pressing' was just annoying


I think you could pick this up, make the movements between each idea show much more strongly and really make the colours blast outwards. I feel as though all of the wonderful images you've put into this are somewhat locked away from me, and I'd love to see them drawn out (this could be taken as being clever with that last line, but it's just damned annoying; show us the light so we can feel the dark).

This didn't get me like a lot of yours have before, but I really think it could.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
this....amazes me. It captures the feeling of being infinite (shuttup Chbosky, I haven't even read Perks yet ) and vastness of everything (listen to "Randy describes eternity" by built to spill, as the lyrics describe cosmos and time by the end of it all your brain is just swelling huge with perspective).

I liked how you started off in space (cue word nebula), and ended again in space (which was what I understood of the unknown darkness). Also, as a bonus, (this, as a poem,) is symetrically shaped to match the content. Touche.

The sentence

"where i spun within that chronic nebula
let the finite dissipate with the tangible."

Is awkward grammatically. I can't seem to read it properly.
However it might fit as a lyric.

"Junkie" can be a possible alternative to "Junky", depending on whether you prefer the breath to be "trashy, dirty, foul smelling" or "drugged up".

"but god" as a noun seems out of place squeezed between a list of adjectives. You might want to try "godly", and remove the "but" to keep the number syllables the same.

Cheers (Invalid img)
I have a poem entitled "Milk " if you want to crit it.


oh yes, and you better be showing this song to me when it's FIN.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#5
time to reply.
thanks guys. i'm glad similar parts bother all of you. i really do plan on editing this, as it has potential in my mind.

where i spun within that chronic nebula
let the finite dissipate with the tangible.

i plan to change 'tangible', as it didn't sit right with me. I didn't think that it was too awkward grammatically... it was sorta, that space where i was spinning let everything that i'm supposed to know for certain (hence, the finite) just disappear with that sense of weightlessness/sparseness/disconnection from anything... well, tangible.

Katherine, I hate to sorta... disagree, but I can't think of a word I'd prefer over parched... for me it means to be deprived of liquid/hydration... so parched lips being coated in crystallized rain amends that.

I'll fix the wording with that statuesque part... the 'but god' was supposed to be like, 'but god, i was so statuesque'.

will fix the flow in the angel part.

and i thought the ending didn't immediately introduce dark (but i'll add it at the start, hopefully)... it sorta was the result of floating over the end of the world.

and hans, i meant junky, i think. lol. oops.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.