#1
the real part one will be rewritten to be part two or something.
song. music will come when I can speak easily enough to sing.


we're sailing slow through summer streets
rainwater's met the gutter flow
it's risen above the gates of all the gardens
and covers the pavements below
sun's bubbling up the tarmac
the rain's sinking our boat
soon we'll find ourselves stuck
in the sticky black below
but only if our bodies
can't find a way to float
over the glare of the yellow
over the top of the stream
with teapots wavering on the bows
we're having parties in the streets
there's not a hint of a traffic jam
and we can't see the roadsigns
everyone's doing the best they can
to keep the spirits high
to keep us steady on the surface
upon which we ride
the sun's sending down black lightning bolts
once the night time comes we'll all be blind
but now silver foil bullets are dropping from the sky
and we can't see the roadsigns
we can't see the roadsigns
the sun glares so hard into us
and there's a layer of light on the water
we can see as it starts to evaporate
faces are stirring from the vapour like white thunder
and they transgress up into the air
and our boats are alight with white fire
and our boats are alight with white fire
and we can't see the roadsigns
no we can't see the roadsigns
fade out,
flare up,
crush down
or ride high.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
Quote by DigUpHerBones
the real part one will be rewritten to be part two or something.
song. music will come when I can speak easily enough to sing.


we're sailing slow through summer streets
rainwater's met the gutter flow
it's risen above the gates of all the gardens
and covers the pavements below
sun's bubbling up the tarmac
the rain's sinking our boat
soon we'll find ourselves stuck
in the sticky black below
but only if our bodies
can't find a way to float
over the glare of the yellow
over the top of the stream
with teapots wavering on the bows
we're having parties in the streets
there's not a hint of a traffic jam
and we can't see the roadsigns
everyone's doing the best they can
to keep the spirits high
to keep us steady on the surface
upon which we ride
the sun's sending down black lightning bolts
once the night time comes we'll all be blind
but now silver foil bullets are dropping from the sky
and we can't see the roadsigns
we can't see the roadsigns
the sun glares so hard into us
and there's a layer of light on the water
we can see as it starts to evaporate
faces are stirring from the vapour like white thunder
and they transgress up into the air
and our boats are alight with white fire
and our boats are alight with white fire
and we can't see the roadsigns
no we can't see the roadsigns
fade out,
flare up,
crush down
or ride high.


it has incredible flow, i really likes every thing especially your incredible use of literacy "transgress" and "vapor" just kind of gave the whole song an incredible flavor to it, the only thing i didn't like was the last four lines, it seamed like a cliche thing to do, and "fade out" is too cliched flare up was good crush down was kind of wierd and ride high was a little cliche thanks C4C? its on first page
Quote by herby190
When I saw that, I thought of musical notes.... my elementary school teachers taught them as "tee-tees" "ta-tas" and a bunch of other nonsense....
#5
I like this. The imagery is powerful but some of it seems forced. That said, here is my best attempt to critique.

we're sailing slow through summer streets
rainwater's met the gutter flow (Doesn’t really flow for me. Seems very forced. “rainwater meets the gutter flow” sounds a bit more natural to me. Just my opinion.)
it's risen above the gates of all the gardens (Again, I think “it’s risen above the garden gates” sounds less forced.)
and covers the pavements below

sun's bubbling up the tarmac
the rain's sinking our boat
soon we'll find ourselves stuck
in the sticky black below

Powerful yet open to interpretation. This is the way I really love to write.

but only if our bodies
can't find a way to float
over the glare of the yellow
over the top of the stream
with teapots wavering on the bows
we're having parties in the streets
there's not a hint of a traffic jam
and we can't see the roadsigns

I have nothing to say here. I need more time.

everyone's doing the best they can
to keep the spirits high
to keep us steady on the surface
upon which we ride

I love this. This has so many meanings, especially for me.

the sun's sending down black lightning bolts
once the night time comes we'll all be blind (Drop “time&rdquo
but now silver foil bullets are dropping from the sky (This is really giving me problems. I like the idea for the imagery but the execution lacks. I am now going to go out on a limb and hope I am giving you a good idea. How about “a million self reflections are dropping from the sky”?)
and we can't see the roadsigns
we can't see the roadsigns

the sun glares so hard into us (How about the sun “stares”?)
and there's a layer of light on the water (How about “it’s memory lights on the water”?)
we can see as it starts to evaporate (maybe “before our eyes we evaporate&rdquo
faces are stirring from the vapour like white thunder (or “stirring from the vapour like white thunder&rdquo

and they transgress up into the air (instead of “they” how about “all&rdquo
and our boats are alight with white fire
and our boats are alight with white fire
and we can't see the roadsigns
no we can't see the roadsigns
fade out,
flare up,
crush down
or ride high.


Now here it is with the changes I am suggesting that I think makes it flow a bit better and (I hope) still catches your original intent.

we're sailing slow through summer streets
rainwater meets the gutter flow
it's risen above the garden gates
and covers the pavements below
sun's bubbling up the tarmac
the rain's sinking our boat
soon we'll find ourselves stuck
in the sticky black below
but only if our bodies
can't find a way to float
over the glare of the yellow
over the top of the stream
with teapots wavering on the bows
we're having parties in the streets
there's not a hint of a traffic jam
and we can't see the roadsigns
everyone's doing the best they can
to keep the spirits high
to keep us steady on the surface
upon which we ride
the sun's sending down black lightning bolts
once the night comes we'll all be blind
a million self reflections are dropping from the sky
and we can't see the roadsigns
we can't see the roadsigns
the sun stares so hard into us
it’s memory lights on the water
before our eyes we evaporate
stirring from the vapour like white thunder
and all transgress up into the air
and our boats are alight with white fire
and our boats are alight with white fire
and we can't see the roadsigns
no we can't see the roadsigns
fade out,
flare up,
crush down
or ride high.


I like this piece but I feel you need to polish it. I feel I am more pushing my ideas upon you more than just giving you a critique, and for that I am sorry.

If you get the time, perhaps you can tear apart some of mine.


C4C?

Let it be
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1150603

O Selfish Me
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1150598
#6
Thanks, Michal and Kyle.
Ir a+infinitive, I think when I add to the ending with music it should work, so I'm hesitant to change it, though definitely keeping it in mind unless it doesn't. I wrote it on as a way to end the piece, but now I have the second part written will probably change it to help the two link up
IamOmega, thanks, but I think the suggestions that you've made don't really have the same feel to them or just aren't going along with the same idea. It's not the people in the boats that are rising from the fog above the water (that would be impossible as they are in the boats..), but ghosts within this fog. Ghosts that are 'ideas' and although they have no mass somehow emit light. This piece is a part of a series and that is one of the main ideas (a few of my past pieces have been about it also). There is silver in the sky, coming down because the blackness hasn't taken over everything yet.

Thank you all I'm going to attempt to put this to music when I'm able to sing again, and edits will be made them. Part two should be up soon.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Jul 4, 2009,
#7
I understand. Sometimes it is hard for me to grasp someone’s vision. I love being surprised by how much different it turns out to be from what I was thinking. Please put music to this.
#8
Thank you. Music is being made and I'll hopefully have a rough done before I leave. Part two being posted now
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!