#1
a new one, needs some work. c4c

horror movies at night (aftermath)

There is no aftermath of Death,
only that which we seek to ignore.
We run from it at every corner,
only to finally meet it where we least expect.
When we are most comfortable, most serene
it creeps;
slowly, as not to shape the shadows
quietly, as not to rustle the leaves.

There is no aftermath of Life,
only that which we seek to fulfil.
We strove for it, and strive
until our hands are bones and blood and dirt.
We are never comfortable, never basking in serenity
yet it creeps;
slowly, as not to draw a whimper
quietly, as not to shift the air.

I run my hand,
root to tip
chest to groin
I run my hand
and my legs
my legs run


I’ve watched rain clouds of deep red
shifting,
I’ve watched figures of deep black
shifting,
I’ve watched the fall of humanity
in a sigh, in a bang
and still I sit, and ponder
if Death is the aftermath of Life,
then are we all just empty consequence?

I guess we’ll just wait for the sequel.
#2
I thought your start was a bit clumsy. The ideas were all tangled up in words that were a bit empty and ranting, "only that which we" was disruptive, where something happens, when it happens, all these were a bit overly complicated for the theme I think you were going for. It was also a bit obvious, the aftermath of death versus life, I wish you would have taken it to a more original way of saying things. The second stanza felt a bit predicted and I wished it wasn't a complete mirror of the first, I just wanted to break the pattern with some originality.

I thought the second part was much better in the sense that you were bringing your own thoughts and idea into the piece, after kind of stating the obvious in the previous part. It definitely should have been more developed, over the first part which was just the basic assumptions. The focus of the piece should have been the latter part and I felt it lacked in comparison.

I think you struggled to find your own voice here. Sometimes I read your lines and I can tell there's a beautiful scene/image/original thought behind it, but I find that you choose words that are far too generic and common. I think that in order to take your writing to the next level you need to develop your writing language a bit more and open up your world of imagery with a better vocabulary to describe it.

Saying all of this, I actually enjoyed the piece, which is why I really wished it was more.
I just think that you need to take your writing further at this point, to where you can really wow the reader with your ideas.
This is not a pipe
#3
Quote by kdownes
a new one, needs some work. c4c

horror movies at night (aftermath)

There is no aftermath of Death,
I think "There is no Death's aftermath" sounds coller and better
only that which we seek to ignore.
We run from it at every corner,
only to finally meet it where we least expect.
When we are most comfortable, most serene
it creeps;
I hate the line break on these two lines ^
slowly, as not to shape the shadows
quietly, as not to rustle the leaves.

There is no aftermath of Life,
only that which we seek to fulfil.
We strove for it, and strive
until our hands are bones and blood and dirt.
We are never comfortable, never basking in serenity
yet it creeps;
slowly, as not to draw a whimper
quietly, as not to shift the air.
Since it's the same structure and the previous stanzas, the complaints are the same.

I run my hand,
root to tip
chest to groin
I run my hand
and my legs
my legs run

I found this section kind of awkward, and I'm not sure where you were going with this

I’ve watched rain clouds of deep red
shifting,
I’ve watched figures of deep black
shifting,
I’ve watched the fall of humanity
in a sigh, in a bang
and still I sit, and ponder
if Death is the aftermath of Life,
then are we all just empty consequence?
The last five lines are great. I didn't like the repetition of deep and shifting; I think you should re-think the words.

I guess we’ll just wait for the sequel.


As you might have notices there were several parts I didn't like. However, the idea you transmit is quite good and should be developed. You also know that I'm not the most indicated person to help you though...
#4
i like this poem coz it talks about death n u r wondering about the afterlife THAT IS AWSM!!!