#1
like most of my lyrics, I just came across this feeling in my life, and sat down and it all just flowed.

I – am trying to hold on
To everything that I have been wasting away

And I – am trying to be
Everything you want me to be, you need me to be

I, am turning my life around
You’re pulling me from the darkness
Of my past
You’re showing me the path
You’ve given me a light to follow

You – are trying to show me
That everything is what everything should be

And you – are showing me how
To see what I need, to see myself in me

I, am turning my life around
You’re pulling me from the darkness
Of my past
You’re showing me the path
You’ve given me a light to follow

How can you put me down so far
To where I can’t breathe and then
Pull me up for air to show me
What you can make of me

I, am turning my life around
You’re pulling me from the darkness
Of my past
You’re showing me the path
You’ve given me a light to follow
You've gotta be who you are,
and don't be what you're not.
If you want to be of the world,
then you can't be of God.
#2
I understand the setting down and having it just flow out of you, but that is only where inspiration starts.

You have these words written down that say how you feel, that flowed out of you, but does it translate into a good song, especially if I am guessing “Metal”?

I think you have everything that you want to convey, however, I think it still needs to be turned into a song.

This “song” is very bland and uninspiring. So, dress it up, use imagery, and use what you have written so far to simply keep the idea on track. Make it deep!!!!!!!!!! I want to feel it, I want to hurt from it!!!! Right now I just feel like I am hearing you moan.

Use your imagination and inspire me. I am being harsh because I want you to be better!

C4C?

Let it be
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1150603

O Selfish Me
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1150598
#3
I agree with the poster above. You have obviously have the idea, the inspiration, and the emotions you feel behind it, now I think you just need to harness it and start looking at it figuratively. For me anyway, when I read great lyrics I usually have this image painted in my head which allows me to better feel whatever the song is trying to convey. I think it's up to the lyricist to show the reader/listener what needs to be felt, and not just tell them.

I hope I didn't come across too harsh but you have a great idea that has the potential to morphed into great lyrics, it's just up to you to creatively transform it.
here, My Dear, here it is
#4
wow guys thanks.
I guess I need to stop listenign to some people.
Last time someone told me I need LESS of the "fancy imagry words" and just get to the point.
You've gotta be who you are,
and don't be what you're not.
If you want to be of the world,
then you can't be of God.
#5
Well, aside from what the other two said about imagery, I thought It all flowed really well. I've noticed sometimes when I write, things don't come out as they would in normal everyday speech. In this they do, and that's something that can be hard to accomplish. One thing I would like to see more of is verse. If anyone disagrees with me please say so, but I would like to see maybe 2 or three stanzas of verse between your choruses. Remember, the chorus is there to enhance the song and drive the meaning home. It gives the listener something to remember, but it doesn't tell the whole story. Keep this up! I like it!
Woke this morning to the stinging lash
Every man rise from the ash
Each betrayal begins with trust
Every man returns to dust


Just Me

Still

21 Days