#1
This is the first lyrical thing I've really written. I have a couple more I'm going to post tonight. Be brutal. I've been through a rough month and writing has really helped me cope with it. I want to hear honest opinions. I don't share my work to get a pat on the back. I want to make it better. I appreciate any feedback from anyone though, good or bad I'd love to hear it. So without further ado, I give you:

21 Days

Don't call my phone late at night.
Don't try to instigate a fight.
Stop trying to talk to me, unless you want to say
that you've made the wrong decision, you've made a mistake.

It's not alright, what you've taken from me.
My enjoyment and happiness, though I know you can't see.
All you and I ever cared about was you.
But I needed someone here for me too.

You always gave me at least one ear.
But there's a difference between listening and what you hear.
Put down the book, shut off the TV
All I ever wanted was for you to pay attention to me.

I'll never understand why things end badly
Nothing really has to end so sadly.
You made me happy from the start,
and on your terms, we had to part.

You wanted to be with all of your friends
you needed to tie up some of your loose ends.
I was ready, I said I'd commit,
I wanted you and this relationship.

You were calm about all of this happening
You did everything, I even caught you laughing.
It ruined me to know that the smile on your face
wasn't because of me, I felt disgraced.

You figured I should be fine about it because it wasn't my fault
but this has brought my life to a screeching halt.
I look around and all I see is you
You always said you wanted to see this one through.

You lied to me and that hurts the most.
You said we'd be together, now its just a ghost.
The specter roams my head, day and night
I've spent three weeks trying to set things right.

I've made my peace deep inside
I understand through life I can't glide.
I know peoples word, it isn't the same
over the years it has all changed.

So don't you dare send me messages to ask how im doing
because I constantly wonder who you're screwing.
Don't tell me you're doing alright
because I'm not, I have a huge fight.

You told me that you needed time alone.
I know you're not, you can't, you're people prone.
What eats at me bad is that I have false hope.
My neck is in your noose. I'm dangling from your rope.

I was perfect, I did nothing wrong.
What a fallacy that is, but I'll stay strong.
You lied to me. Right to my face.
But I looked the other way, I kept my pace.

Maybe I asked too much. Maybe not enough.
I'm just glad you packed up all of your stuff.
If you ever get your head on straight, come visit me.
But don't dare call or message, because its your eyes I want to see.
#2
this is a really personal song and i can feel your pain by reading it. its a song with a personal meaning to you and i think by making changes to it, you lose your feel. songs like this are best in their original form cause thats where your true emotions are
i could play like eric clapton if i had his gear...anyone could
#4
Thanks guys. This song is really emotional for me. I just don't know what to write for choruses. This was just something the flowed from my heart to my fingertips. I tweaked it a smidge because I had some really horrid lines in there. I guess this was more of a reflection on everything that transpired for the 7 months I was with this girl. I didn't want to go emo with it though, it's just now how I am. I appreciate the feedback a lot guys. Keep it coming!
Woke this morning to the stinging lash
Every man rise from the ash
Each betrayal begins with trust
Every man returns to dust


Just Me

Still

21 Days
#5
You could try writing a chorus that sums up how you feel overall, to keep the emotional feelings within the song. However who says you have to have a chorus? You could make something totally different, I'm trying to think of a song without a chorus as such, I'm sure there is one, help? lol
#6
it is really heartfelt...i can feel that i comes from deep within u...there is nothing to change. this is what u feel this is how u feel it.