#1
I wrote this the first day I got into my funk recently. Again, very rough. But be honest with me. I appreciate any tips or ideas anyone can give me It took me about a half an hour to write this one with music and everything.

Still

How could you leave me here?
The pain won't go away.
You couldn't take that too?
Well, this ain't the right way.

I wouldn't have left you.
I promised that I'd stay.
I can't stop thinking of you.
and now it hurts to say

I still love you
The same as the first time
I swore I'd never stop
no matter how hard I tried
Now I sit here
in my lonely place
Its hard... not to think
'Cause all I see is your pretty face

How could you leave me here?
and why won't you explain?
you left me hurt so bad
you threw your cares away
Now im stuck here
with and emotional cyst to hate
remember i don't hate you
just that you made me feel this way

I still love you
The same as the first time
I swore I'd never stop
no matter how hard I tried
Now I sit here
in my lonely place
Its hard... not to think
'Cause all I see is your pretty face

So now I'll sit here
with you no longer in love
I know I'll get through this
I know I'll get help from above.

I can't understand what happened
I thought we were doing great,
everyone keeps saying
theres a reason, this is your fate.

Well I don't like that answer
I was never one to accept.
You should be laying with me
you head rested on my chest.

I still love you
The same as the first time
I swore I'd never stop
no matter how hard I tried
Now I sit here
in my lonely place
Its hard... not to think
'Cause all I see is your pretty face
#2
how could you leave me here?
The pain won't go away.
You couldn't take that too?
Well, this ain't the right way.
start is very cliche.

I wouldn't have left you.
I promised that I'd stay.
I can't stop thinking of you.
and now it hurts to say
this seems very repetative and outright. there isnt too much um... spark?

I still love you
The same as the first time
I swore I'd never stop
no matter how hard I tried
Now I sit here
in my lonely place
Its hard... not to think
'Cause all I see is your pretty face
ok. i guess now we have something to work with. why say i love you when u can describe that? put it into imagery. you cant paint a picture with i love you. you say she's pretty describe it>? lonely. how lonely?

How could you leave me here?
and why won't you explain?
you left me hurt so bad
you threw your cares away
Now im stuck here
with and emotional cyst to hate
remember i don't hate you
just that you made me feel this way
better.

I still love you
The same as the first time
I swore I'd never stop
no matter how hard I tried
Now I sit here
in my lonely place
Its hard... not to think
'Cause all I see is your pretty face
repeat

So now I'll sit here
with you no longer in love
I know I'll get through this
I know I'll get help from above.
rather dull.

I can't understand what happened
I thought we were doing great,
everyone keeps saying
theres a reason, this is your fate.


Well I don't like that answer
I was never one to accept.
You should be laying with me
you head rested on my chest.

this is too much narration. it's like i'm reading a non-fiction history book. this is how it happened. this is what happened and this is how i felt... no offense. it is just a difference in style. cheers. good luck
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#3
Thank you for that. I appreciate your opinion. I think you're right. I felt really dismal at that point. This was the first thing that came out of me. Thank you for the feedback, and I will try to work on this.
Woke this morning to the stinging lash
Every man rise from the ash
Each betrayal begins with trust
Every man returns to dust


Just Me

Still

21 Days
#4
mm what i like to try and do to try and improve is to read published and famous poets. t.s elliot. frost, poe, ect. and pick out what i like and try and use it. as well as creating my own sense of style.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#5
Yea. Like I said, when this was written I was so drained. Everything that was coming out of me was very vauge, very bland. Its not a defense, but how I was feeling pretty much came out in the writing. I'll see if I can expound upon all of that. Thanks again!
Woke this morning to the stinging lash
Every man rise from the ash
Each betrayal begins with trust
Every man returns to dust


Just Me

Still

21 Days