#1
So these are some new lyrics I wrote. They're still a work-in-progress so I'd love to hear what you think of them and any constructive criticism you may have. This song is very personal to me and is probably one of the most personal things I've ever written. And of course, if you leave me a link, I'll return the favor


The Ceiling of Space

You're a woman burning a violet fire
But the red rivers on your legs are rising high.
Don't tell me to pull the curtains yet;
It's not time, nothing is certain yet.

Now the credits roll on in your dark eyes
But still I'm replaying every pivotal scene.
And I'm so glad I had front row seats;
It's just me, waiting til they tell me to leave.


Swim on by blooming black holes,
but wave to them as you pass.
Maybe tomorrow you all could have some tea
and discuss how good things never last.

Have you made it to the ceiling of space?
There's an attic, I can tell.
Your mind of miles of flushing pastures
has not a weed, a foe, a hell.

And now I'm here on this patch of dirt
Making out the shapes of blurry clouds.
Some of them smile at me and seem so familiar.
if they were closer, i'd figure them out.


The sky is peppered with stars
And I'm supposed to be happy you're where you are.
I know the moon creates it's own light;
Don't you tell me I don't know anything,
I'll always be right.

You're still the woman I know
And I'm still the boy feigning how I'm in control.
Wishing life is a butterfly dream
So I could jump through some portal and find
you and a saved seat.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Jul 19, 2009,
#2
I am pretty much floored. Very, very deep. Was this your mother? Sorry, you don't have to answer that.

I just became a fan. I am very envious of your writing style. You have huge talent.

I can't think of anything negative to say about this piece. Not one thing.

I am looking forward to reading much more of your work in the future and hopefully listening to it also.

You @#!$ing Rock!
#3
Moving. That right there belongs in a literature book. I don't really know what to say besides incredible. It just seems like its raw emotion right there, and sometimes that's the best way to do it. That's one hell of a song man.
#4
Thank you so much for the kind words. And this was written for my grandmother who has been such an important part of my life.

Again, I really appreciate your compliments.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
You're a woman burning a violet fire
But the red rivers on your legs are rising high
Don't tell me to pull the curtains yet
It's not time, nothing is certain yet
good start. i feel like the ...yet/...yet throws me off.

Now the credits roll on in your dark eyes
But still I'm replaying every pivotal scene
And I'm so glad I had front row seats
It's just me, waiting til they tell me to leave
not much to say

now they're telling me I have to go
goodbye, goodbye
it was one hell of a show
mm im indiffrent. it feels like this is a weak spot of the piece. feels like it slows down.

Swim on by blooming black holes,
but wave to them as you pass
Maybe tomorrow you all could have some tea
and discuss how good things never last
i feel this is kinda of an abrupt change.. intresting image. is are the black holes connected with the credits rolling in her dark eyes or am i crazy?

Have you made it to the ceiling of space?
There's an attic, I can tell
Your mind of miles and miles of flushing pastures
has not a weed, a foe, a hell

And now I'm here on this patch of dirt
Making out the shapes of blurry clouds
Some of them smile at me and seem so familiar
if they were closer, i'd figure them out

tell me when you're coming down again
where are you? where am I?
I'm too young to find solace in the end
pretty solid set of lines. i like the third one in past 3 stanzas.

The sky is peppered with stars
And I'm supposed to be happy you're where you are
I know the moon creates it's own light
Don't you tell me I don't know anything
I'll always be right
i feel like you could throw this above. right after "if they were closer, i'd figure them out. i feel like after the stanza "i'm too young to find solace in the end" starts to signifify the end and the last stanza is just a nice wrap up. but the this one is good, but it just is streaching the end way to long

You're still the woman I know
And I'm still the boy feigning how I'm in control
Wishing life is a butterfly dream
So I could jump through some portal and find
you and a saved seat

thanks for your crit. will look into it. good luck
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#6
Thanks for the critique. I appreciate it and I'll definitely look into the things you've mentioned. The abrupt change is there for a reason, because signifies her passing on. Thanks again
here, My Dear, here it is
#8
Quote by IamOmega
I am pretty much floored. Very, very deep. Was this your mother? Sorry, you don't have to answer that.

I just became a fan. I am very envious of your writing style. You have huge talent.

I can't think of anything negative to say about this piece. Not one thing.

I am looking forward to reading much more of your work in the future and hopefully listening to it also.

You @#!$ing Rock!


I'm going to have to agree. I've read plenty of poetry books and all they did was bore me to tears. Tears that you made run dry...

10 out of 10 Again!
#10
Quote by SubwayToVenus
So these are some new lyrics I wrote. They're still a work-in-progress so I'd love to hear what you think of them and any constructive criticism you may have. This song is very personal to me and is probably one of the most personal things I've ever written. And of course, if you leave me a link, I'll return the favor


The Ceiling of Space

You're a woman burning a violet fire
But the red rivers on your legs are rising high
Don't tell me to pull the curtains yet
It's not time, nothing is certain yet
I like this; the imagery, the flow... priceless. My only suggestion would be the word high might work better as higher, although it also might sound corny, depending on the use.

Now the credits roll on in your dark eyes
But still I'm replaying every pivotal scene
And I'm so glad I had front row seats
It's just me, waiting til they tell me to leave
Nice metaphor. Again, good use of imagery.

now they're telling me I have to go
goodbye, goodbye
it was one hell of a show
I don't feel this the same way I feel the rest, but that doesn't mean it's bad.

Swim on by blooming black holes,
but wave to them as you pass
Maybe tomorrow you all could have some tea
and discuss how good things never last
Again, not as strong, but still good.

Have you made it to the ceiling of space?
There's an attic, I can tell
Your mind of miles and miles of flushing pastures
has not a weed, a foe, a hell
Good.

And now I'm here on this patch of dirt
Making out the shapes of blurry clouds
Some of them smile at me and seem so familiar
if they were closer, i'd figure them out
I like.

tell me when you're coming down again
where are you? where am I?
I'm too young to find solace in the end
Not the strongest, but still good.

The sky is peppered with stars
And I'm supposed to be happy you're where you are
I know the moon creates it's own light
Don't you tell me I don't know anything
I'll always be right
Not bad.

You're still the woman I know
And I'm still the boy feigning how I'm in control
Wishing life is a butterfly dream
So I could jump through some portal and find
you and a saved seat

Perfect conclusion.

Overall, very powerful imagery, and very well written.

C4C? It's in my sig.
#11
"Now the credits roll on in your dark eyes
But still I'm replaying every pivotal scene
And I'm so glad I had front row seats
It's just me, waiting til they tell me to leave".

Although I understand the relevance, in terms of extended metaphor, this read in a rather cliched manner. Also you are telling instead od discribing, which as a reader, made things quite stressful.

"Swim on by blooming black holes" A delightful sense of phrasing, my friend!

"tell me when you're coming down again
where are you? where am I?
I'm too young to find solace in the end"

This felt rather choppy and that last line felt unnecessary in terms of the context of the piece. I believe that whether or not it is apparent that you/ your character, will find solace in the end should be left for the reader/ listener to decide.

Overall it was an interesting and enjoyable piece. But this really needs to be punctuated so that a better sense of rhythm and flow can be established so that I could gain a better understanding of how the piece should be sang.

PS: A quick comment on my latest piece, "The age of Reason" would be highly appreciated. Thank you.

Here's a link: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1164928
Last edited by Bleed Away at Jul 18, 2009,
#12
herby: thanks a lot for the critique, I'm definitely going to use a lot of your advice in my revisions.

BleedAway: I completely agree with your comment on the second verse. I always thought it was rather cliche myself. That's something I really need to fix for the next draft. I'll be getting to yours shortly.
here, My Dear, here it is