#1
OTS. It's late and I'm tired so I haven't proof read this yet, or even considered whether or not it's good enough to post haha. I don't doubt it needs work.


I've been listening for the click that she says we'd have if we were meant to be together, and I haven't heard anything yet, so maybe she's right? I mean whenever we're together I feel lots of things, and I think lots of things, like what it would be like to be the one she turned to when she was upset, or the one she told all of her secrets to. I never let my thoughts wander too far when I'm with her because I always want to give her my full attention, whether she wants it or not. Once I'm alone again, sometimes starting as early as the drive home from her house, I'll give my daydreams (or as she would call them, fantasies) a little bit of leash. I often think about us being married and how her new name would sound, and feel a slight disappointment when I admit to myself that it wouldn't have much of a ring to it. I think about how we'd always manage to work out our differences peacefully, something that we'd take pride in. Sometimes I even think about the daughter we'd have, how we'd choose her name (I'd like Adelaide and she'd like Rebecca), and how much I'd spoil Rebecca.

Ever since I've begun planning out my whole fantasy life, anytime I'm with her it feels like I'm at the bottom of a mountain that's never been conquered, and no matter how long I look up at it I'll never feel anything but defeat.

I'm with her right now, sitting in a chair next to her. She doesn't talk much lately, but I'm okay with that. I still get a little smirk now and then, and each time it reminds me of how lucky I am that she at least let me be her friend. Today she's even letting me hold her hand for the first time, and as promising as that should seem, it feels quite the opposite.

Other times when I daydream I think of different ways that I'd save her from different tragedies. For example a car crash, and I'd always pull her out right before the car exploded. I'd think of her drunken abusive father (who's since passed away) and what I would have done to him had I known her when he used to beat her so badly that she couldn't go to school for a week. I've always wanted to be her hero.

Every once in a while I'll stumble across a dream that could become reality when I think about how much I care about her, and how I'll do anything for her. I even consider how many different ways I'm willing to die for her. Like how, if we were being mugged at gunpoint, I'd move to keep her behind me and out of harms way, or if she ever needed an organ transplant, how I'd offer mine without hesitation, regardless of the consequences.

As I open my eyes and turn her way I realize that I've let my mind wander again, and that she hasn't made any sounds for a while, not even a little bit of shifting. I've been here since 2 in the afternoon, and it's now 4 in the morning. I do the quick math trying to make excuses for letting my guard down. She's wearing a teal gown, lying in a white bed. I can't help but think of how teal wouldn't be her first choice, but she looks beautiful either way. There are tubes and wires criss-crossing from her body to the machine, the results of just over a year of leukemia. I'm watching her closely now, firmly gripping her hand like we were newlyweds. I watch the slight rise and fall of her chest, the rise and fall, rise and fall, rise and fall...

Her grip on my hand weakens and slowly drops away. Claimed by something I couldn't save her from. I couldn't be her hero this time. My relationship with her from beginning to end could be described in one word. Destitute.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Jul 4, 2009,
#2
I thought this was beautiful, with some amazing lines.

"and how much I'd spoil Rebecca"

To me, that line symbolises just how talented you are. The end came out of nowhere, and packed just the right amount of punch because of the picture you painted throughout.

Is it easier for me just to say I really liked this?

I think it is
#3
There are some tense problems in the car crash bit, you say you 'think' then what you 'thought' and using 'since' makes it seem like you no longer 'think'.

There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
this was full of smooth running sentences and avoids the nasty type of sentence that rely on one word or two to carry their meaning/feeling across. "rounded" is how I would describe it. This continues throughout...and then stops at the one word "destitute". I think this it partly how it gets that finishig ending feeling when it's done.
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On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#5
Thanks Katherine, I had a feeling there were tense problems somewhere.

And thanks for the kind words Kyle and Danny (if that is your real name )



EDIT: Katherine, I can't find the tense issues you're talking about!
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Jul 4, 2009,
#6
You just switch so much from present to passive past to past imperfect etc. and it felt jumbled. There was nothing actually wrong with it, but there were so many switches it got confusing.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!