#1
Disclaimer: I am not very good at writing good dialogue. It is one of my weak points, with that, rip away.


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A critter that looked like a cross between a guinea pig and another member of the rodent family with a longer tail nibbled with its fingers clenched tight towards it's chest. The word "protective" would cross one's mind. The guinea pig-long tailed rodent cross hopped across an expanse of wet (not damp, too liquid to be damp) grey concrete. The water was too shallow for any ripples to grow out of where it's feet had been, but tiny driplets of water still reared up after every step in quick sucession.

"That rodent was fast," a boy remarked.
"It has to be, to not get eaten" exclaimed a girl, "Good morning, Wet Amber!"

The rodent walked away from the two chattering human forms and into a much darker patch of ground, where the sunlight was blocked by a tree. Then it could nibble away it's secret food in peace.

The girl thought that it's eyed glowed from it's hideaway in the dark.

"What does it eat?" she asked the boy.
"I dunno", he replied, "maybe...peanuts?"
"Peanuts! We have those. We have lots of those!" she said. "In my 'sack".
"Okay" he said, and reached into her knapsack, and produced a sealed plastic bag containing dry roasted peanuts still in their shells, in sharp contrast to the wet ground below.
"Don't scare it away"
"I won't"
"Wait"
"What?"
"I can't open it"
"Here"
"Thanks"

The pair stealthed up to the tree, careful to disturb the least water as possible.

-------------------------

"Aw!" the girl exclaimed, "It's gone!"
"Well maybe it went up the tree" the boy said.
"Oh you know i'm not allowed to climb trees" the girl replied.
"Why not?" you can climb perfectly well. I see you all the time on the monkey bars back at school"
"What do you mean by 'see me all the time'?"
"I mean..."
"No, mom won't let me"
"She isn't here"
"No"
"What about the peanuts?"
"We can leave them for Wet Amber here at the base of the tree"
"Do you really name every new creature you see?"
"Yes," she replied, "Adam did it all the time in the bible. 'Cept i'm a female. But it's just the same. 'Cept he didn't speak English, so we had to make up words for them ourselves".
"Like you did now?"
"Yeah"
"Say" she said, "Let's make up a language of our own. All ours".
"How?" he asked.
"Like Adam did. He had nothing back then. We can start out, just like him."
"Isn't that a bit different?"
"How is that different?"
"Nevermind. Well, it just is".
"So? You can't prove it is."
"You can't prove it isn't."
"Nevermind."
"Maybe it's both."
"Huh?"
"This tree is 'Yggdrasil'" she said.
"That's a funny name"
"I read it somewhere"
"Where?"
"Don't remember"
"How can you know something and not remember where you knew it?"

She paused for a while.

"Do you remember," she asked, "when you first learned to read?"
"No, I just do" he said.
"It just happened that while you were learning to read, I was learning all about Yggdrasils, or however you spell the plural form of that." she winked.
The boy looked hurt.
"Oh i'm sorry," she said, "I didn't mean to".
"You can have some of my peanuts," the girl offered to the boy.
"Nah, i'm fine," the boy replied,
"we still need them for Wet Amber".


The sunlight marched on, until the shady spot was no longer shady, the ground had dried up, and three living things had long left the scene.

The next day was decidingly rainy. The water that had once lain static on concrete floors and abcessed windowpanes chose to recuperate for a collective water attack on the earth.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#2
Quote by Laces Out Danny
Disclaimer: I am not very good at writing good dialogue. It is one of my weak points, with that, rip away.


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A critter I didn't like "critter" as opposed to just "animal" here. It felt too humorous and playful compared to the rest of the more straightforward language in this paragraph. that looked like a cross between a guinea pig and another member of the rodent family with a longer tail nibbled with its fingers clenched tight towards it's chest. The word "protective" would cross one's mind. The guinea pig-long tailed rodent cross Again, I feel that the language is too playful and takes away from the description, and "guinea pig-long tailed rodent cross" sounds very ungainly. hopped across an expanse of wet (not damp, too liquid to be damp) grey concrete. The water was too shallow for any ripples to grow out of where it's feet had been, but tiny driplets of water still reared up after every step in quick sucession. "but tiny droplets of water still reared up in quick succession after every step." would read better. I really like the detail of the way the water responds when the animal moves across it and this, along with the bit in parenthesis, strengthens the imagery very well.

"That rodent was fast," a boy remarked.
"It has to be, to not get eaten" exclaimed a girl, "Good morning, Wet Amber!"

The rodent walked away from the two chattering human forms and into a much darker patch of ground, where the sunlight was blocked by a tree. Then it could nibble away it's secret food in peace. "There" works better than "Then" here. Also, "it's" should be "its"

The girl thought that it's eyed glowed from it's hideaway in the dark. This felt unnecessary to me. It's a nice image, but it feels out of place, possibly because of its separation from either the paragraph before or after it.

"What does it eat?" she asked the boy.
"I dunno", he replied, "maybe...peanuts?"
"Peanuts! We have those. We have lots of those!" she said. "In my 'sack". "'sack" felt awkward to me. I think "bag" would be better, but this is really just personal preference.
"Okay" he said, and reached into her knapsack, and produced a sealed plastic bag "producing" instead of "and produced" would aid the flow here since the second "and" clashes with the first one. containing dry roasted peanuts still in their shells, in sharp contrast to the wet ground below. The contrast of the dry peanuts and wet pavement reinforces the imagery in the first paragraph very well, and I think is a great image itself too.
"Don't scare it away"
"I won't"
"Wait"
"What?"
"I can't open it"
"Here"
"Thanks"
There's nothing wrong with your dialouge here, but I feel that it would benefit from a little narration in the midst of it. Perhaps something like "She took the bag from him and ripped it open" after the "Here" would strengthen it.

The pair stealthed up to the tree, careful to disturb the least water as possible. I don't think "stealthed" is a word, although you may be aware of this or I may just be wrong. Also, "careful to disturb as little water as possible." would read better.
-------------------------

"Aw!" the girl exclaimed, "It's gone!"
"Well maybe it went up the tree" the boy said.
"Oh you know i'm not allowed to climb trees" the girl replied.
"Why not?" you can climb perfectly well. I see you all the time on the monkey bars back at school"
"What do you mean by 'see me all the time'?"
"I mean..."
"No, mom won't let me"
"She isn't here"
"No"
"What about the peanuts?"
"We can leave them for Wet Amber here at the base of the tree"
"Do you really name every new creature you see?"
"Yes," she replied, "Adam did it all the time in the bible. 'Cept i'm a female. But it's just the same. 'Cept he didn't speak English, so we had to make up words for them ourselves". I think "Except" would work just as well or better than "'Cept" here, although, again, this is a matter of personal preference."Like you did now?"
"Yeah"
"Say" she said, "Let's make up a language of our own. All ours".
"How?" he asked.
"Like Adam did. He had nothing back then. We can start out, just like him."
"Isn't that a bit different?"
"How is that different?"
"Nevermind. Well, it just is".
"So? You can't prove it is."
"You can't prove it isn't."
"Nevermind."
"Maybe it's both."
"Huh?"
"This tree is 'Yggdrasil'" she said.
"That's a funny name"
"I read it somewhere"
"Where?"
"Don't remember"
"How can you know something and not remember where you knew it?"

She paused for a while.

"Do you remember," she asked, "when you first learned to read?"
"No, I just do" he said.
"It just happened that while you were learning to read, I was learning all about Yggdrasils, or however you spell the plural form of that." she winked.
The boy looked hurt.
"Oh i'm sorry," she said, "I didn't mean to".
"You can have some of my peanuts," the girl offered to the boy.
"Nah, i'm fine," the boy replied,
"we still need them for Wet Amber".


The sunlight marched on, until the shady spot was no longer shady, the ground had dried up, and three living things had long left the scene. This is great, but could easily merge with the last paragraph.

The next day was decidingly rainy. The water that had once lain static on concrete floors and abcessed windowpanes chose to recuperate for a collective water attack on the earth. It should be "lay" instead of "lain". Also, I feel the second use of the word "water" in the sentence is unnecessary due to the first one.


Overall, it was an enjoyable story, but sometimes you trip over your language during narration. You seemed most concerned about your dialouge, though. I believe I already said it in the crit, but I feel it would benefit from some narration sprinkled throughout it. As it is, it seems to drag sometimes due to the length of constant exchange between the characters. Although it's certainly not bad now, the use of narration to create pauses and illustrate the conversation will help bring it into focus.