#1
crit4crit

THE XELABELAX HOTLINE

I left so many messages
On God's answering machine
Empty threats and laundry lists
Of useless necessities

He never answers my prayers
Or returns my messages
And I don't ever think God
Wants to speak with me again

Prayer after prayer I yelled
'Til I was blue in the face
Begging, screaming, and pleading
Demanding some ****ing change

But I never meant to take
My frustrations out on Him
I just wish I could find my way
In this world He created

I spoke so many words
That I want to take back
But what I regret the most
Is never giving thanks
For everything I have

But as soon as I heard
Your voice on my telephone
I knew that me and God
Were back again on speaking terms

Sometimes God sends an angel
To speak His Word on my behalf
To drown out every single doubt
And pour hope into my hands

My spirit died long ago
And that was all I believed
But deep within my soul you
Resurrected the Christ in me

When I talk with you I become
Superman in this phonebooth
And I can do anything
Now that I'm loved by you

I spoke so many words
That I want to take back
But what I regret the most
Is never giving thanks
For everything I have

So this is my thanks to God
For bringing you into my life
So let my save your world
Because girl you saved mine
#2
mm. i havent been active here for a very long time. so i might b rusty but i'll try to give you the best crit i can

i find that i dislike how this is so... direct? umm i think it was robert frost that said i forget the word but basically he is saying you should find a way of conveying something without actually coming out and saying it. bloody hell. thats gonna annoy me... but besides the point. i find this too blunt

from what i'm getting your talking about a girl you "love" though all the reference to god seems very... generic?

u dont have to crit any of mine they are fairly old.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#3
I'll add on to what me<needs help is saying. Ernest Hemingway once said this:

"If a writer of a prose knows enough about what he is writing about he may omit things that he knows and the reader, if the writer is writing truly enough, will have a feeling of those things as strongly as though the writer had stated them. The dignity of movement of the iceberg is due to only one-eighth of it being above water. The writer who omits things because he does not know them only makes hollow places in his writing."

In other words, your writing can communicate through subtext. There's this short story by Hemingway called "Hills Like White Elephants" where the word "abortion" is not mentioned once, however, it is evident that that is what the story is about. Now I know you're not writing a short story, but I still think there's something to be said about writing implicitly to communicate with your audience.

I agree that I think that this piece is too explicit and that you have such a profound message that is obviously heartfelt, that there are more effective ways of communicating it to us. By using subtext, metaphors, imagery, symbols, etc., you are essentially showing us how you feel, instead of telling us which will create a much more powerful experience for your reader/listener.

I hope this made some sense.
here, My Dear, here it is
#4
it kind of sounds as if it could be on a christian radio channel, the songs on those are usually pretty to-the-point to get the message across.
so if that was what you were going for, then good job.
otherwise, maybe reconsider directly saying everything, as it comes off a tad strong?
you can get the same message across without all of the extra if you use metaphors and such.
#5
Nice man. Its kinda of a narrative from a persons point of view. Very Christian like as said by GuitarGrrl16.
WTMOTHERF! Make me a cow plz!
#6
Good lyrics dude. Too direct though. Maybe put some metaphors or phrases or even some cliched lines in. It would change the song for the better I think. Unless you deliberately wanted it to be directy and to the point. If you did, then its pretty sweet. Could be great on a christian radio channel just like the people above me said.
#7
Going to be blunt.

This sucked from you. You are capable of infinitely better. This may be exactly what you are feeling; just getting things off your chest. However, from a writing standpoint, this was boring, safe, underdeveloped, and genuinely came off as slightly amateur (please forgive the harshness, just how I feel). You are one of my favorite writers (and genuinely under appreciated around here), because whenever you say something, you say it in a way that no one else ever could. With intensity and fiery eyes and gusto and inner-strength... and this came off as it could have been written by anyone. There was nothing to set it apart, no mastery of voice, no control of wording... it was just words on a page speaking easy phrases without adding any sort of "point of view." There was nothing for me as a reader to latch on to and say, "there... I can see him. That's his brain; and I'll be damned if it isn't similar to mine."

This was as cliche as a break-up song. It pains me to be so harsh with you, but I know you have it in you to do more than this; I know you have it in you to write words that can change lives. These aren't even close to that.

Hope I didn't crush your soul... too much.

Cheesecake in sig, if you want to return... but don't worry about it if you don't.
#8
To add to what everyone has already said about it being too direct, I think it's also too many words. There's nothing inherently wrong with a long piece, but I think that in most cases less is more. I think you could have said everything in this piece in about two stanzas, maybe one. Of course if you follow the excellent advice here, that will happen automatically.

Don't get discouraged about all this negative feedback, btw. I doubt that there has ever been a writer worth his weight in... paper that didn't have a development period. For some that means years of college, for others getting their pieces torn apart on the internet. Either way you're getting pruned and refined.

Thanks for critting mine!
We're only strays.