#1
i've never seen where the stars do not go
or where the grass refuses to grow
pictures are all i find, the garbage
of fallen stars. drip through the ground
illuminating another. the faint stench
that suggests i am without.

they say it's my lack of devotion
that binds me to the land
it's not my lack of faith
in touch sight and smell
but the way the light falls
in, it gives that look
i think to myself this
just isn't going to
work

i cant stay the way i did before
days go by and i wonder what is
beyond the the dark sea
cover eyes, with dingy goggles
telling me of a better time.
when the stars went where they do not go
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#2
I'm not really sure what to think about this right now. I think you have a lot of interesting things written here that I think you should expound upon more, notably the first two lines. I think that there is something in those two lines that you can draw out more. Other than that, your choice of line breaks personally affected the flow of it. It was hard for me to get in a rhythm when I read it as a result. However, that may be just me who had difficulty with it.

I think that this piece was at its best when you were able to create interesting images, like the "grass refusing to go" or the "dingy goggles" in the last stanza. However, in each of these images, I felt that you abandoned them before doing all you could with them.

Nevertheless, it has a lot of potential and I mean that sincerely.
here, My Dear, here it is
#3
you break the lines at random places, it makes it kind of hard to read. also, you may want to pay more attention to the tenses of words. "cover eyes" sounds like it should be "covered" eyes, to me. and things like that. but that could just be me reading it wrong. i like the poem, though. it has interesting ideas.
#4
ugh. aight thanks. back to the drawing board then. i'm suffering writer's block. workin my way out.
anything specific u want me to look for me to crit.
Quote by GuitarGrrl16
you break the lines at random places, it makes it kind of hard to read. also, you may want to pay more attention to the tenses of words. "cover eyes" sounds like it should be "covered" eyes, to me. and things like that. but that could just be me reading it wrong. i like the poem, though. it has interesting ideas.

mm it should be "covered my eyes" but i ment it to be cover eyes
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
Last edited by me<-needs help at Jul 5, 2009,