#1
do ya
know a loser
i said do ya
do you know a loser

could you
direct me to the station
and lose you
on the second connection

there was someting a little slippery in the notion
somethign a little sharp in the tongue
a little devious in the devotion to make me think you were right
and i was wrong

do ya
know a boozer
i said do ya
do you know a boozer

and could you
direct me to his alter
and lose you
to a reading of... laughter

there was someting a little slippery in the notion
something a little sharp in the tongue
a little devious in the devotion to make me think you were right
and i was wrong

so do you, do you know where i can lead a fish to the horse
and do you, do you know where the ocean is
and do you, wish that you were a little smarter
yeah and could you, could you turn the corner

do ya
do ya know a fool
no? then do you
look in the mirror

there was someting a little slippery in the notion
something a little sharp in the tongue
a little devious in the devotion to make me think you were right
and i was wrong
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jul 5, 2009,
#2
This sounds as if it would go well as a rap rock kind of song. Rhcpish maybe????
#3
The way I see (read) this poem is in two main motifs and a bridge.

The first isthe stanzas patterned after

"could you
direct me to the station
and lose you
on the second connection"

and the 2nd are those pattened after

"there was someting a little slippery in the notion
somethign a little sharp in the tongue
a little devious in the devotion to make me think you were right
and i was wrong"

and of course the bridge:

"so do you, do you know where i can lead a fish to the horse
and do you, do you know where the ocean is
and do you, wish that you were a little smarter
yeah and could you, could you turn the corner"

The two main motifs remind me of "I Me Mine" by the beatles. The chorus seems so different from the verses, giving off a feel that it could belong to another song, yet it fits so good with the verses, and just leaves you clamoring for more.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#4
I liked the actual content. All the Do Ya's just made me want to stop reading though.

The parts where you did something with the content instead of stuttering really were good. The rest reminded me of listening to my great uncle... and he had a horrible stuttering problem where it would take him forever to say simple things. It just grated on me nerves.
#5
I agree with Zach. I think if this were read out in the right dramatic way, it would work well, but here on the page it's made me faintly smile and also annoyed me.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
It's a song.

In song form, repetition rarely annoys.

but I take your point, and thanks for getting a look in.

I really do owe you two, and al ot of others.

Be back some when to reclaim my throne as most prolifant (sp?) critter.

<3
#7
Well, please don't get back on anything I have posted now. I don't really "feel" any of them. I'd rather you comment on something that means something to me.

And yeah; figured it was either slam or a song... but as words on a page they simply don't do anything. You get the point, love.