#1
link to part one
Song series. I really want to make this series work. Should be another one or two after this, and then maybe an introduction.

we're burning our buildings
we're making up mountains
we're throwing underground parties
we're tugging on drawstrings
you've got your head inside a black box
a camera pointed right at the sun
and I don't have the heart to tell you
"honey, that ain't how it's done"
"honey, that ain't how it's done"
we're hiking up the yellow line
made where paper meets lighters
the ground is on fire
the future looks brighter from here
but there's such a bright sunset
before the black of each night
we're walking on ashes
honey, something ain't right
honey, something ain't right
fireflies are coming out of the ground
but we're dancing with moths
as we touch their wings
their markings brush off
it's just dust on the mountainside
falling down into water
there's only dark in the deep
and little else left up here
the fireflies are falling
the mountain's losing its might
into the dust we are sinking
honey, something ain't right
honey, something ain't right
we're lost in the dust
and we can't get back
don't know which way I'm falling
got to believe there are crystals inside the black
how come creatures evolving in the darkness
become transparent in time
but they're always the brightest
when they're brought out into the daylight?
honey, something ain't right
honey, something ain't right
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
It's nice, you know it's nice, I've told you it's nice and that. But I just think that you should say this all in a slightly different style, from a slightly different angle, and just make each part of it slightly more different to the first one, so that although it's still part of a series, it's clearly a different part.
#4
Could changing its meaning slightly alter it completely, or is the actual problem that I'm saying the same thing over and over and no matter what angle I look at it from its still just the same thing?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
The problem is not in that you're saying the same thing, that's quite important IMO. I'm just under the impression is that you're saying that same thing in the same way.
#6
That can't be it at all. I can be saying all manner of different things; 'I am wearing green 3/4 length trousers', 'I need a drink', 'I can't breathe', but they all feel like they're on the same subject. I can talk about this idea in this series of pieces, which I have been absolutely and completely utterly obsessed with since about a month ago- painstakingly so, and there's still something so goddamned wrong. I started writing poetry because I'm utterly ****e at communicating with other people in real life and when I started other people seemed to know what I was talking about, the ideas I had made sense with people and connected with their lives, and now it never connects. Now that I write about things that make me so paranoid or so utterly depressed or manicly happy that it's ridiculous. That one outlet is ****ed at the same time that people sit back and say kindly 'that was a perfectly acceptable piece of poetry'.

That's this piece. That's this goddamned series.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#12
we're burning our buildings
we're making up mountains
I really like the contrast of scenery. But it may be of been a little early to throw in a "curve-ball" as you did, I'm not sure.

we're throwing underground parties
we're tugging on drawstrings
I'm still trying to figure out what the "tugged on drawstrings" is referring to.

you've got your head inside a black box
a camera pointed right at the sun
Once again, I love how simple you've contrasted things. I think it may of been a little too much though. It seems to me like you've ran straight into a mine-field of blackness against brightness, instead of building up a ladder into the mayhem.

and I don't have the heart to tell you
"honey, that ain't how it's done"
"honey, that ain't how it's done"
we're hiking up the yellow line
made where paper meets lighters
Colours and imagery are strong again.
the ground is on fire
I thought this line was needless.

the future looks brighter from here
but there's such a bright sunset
before the black of each night
You're repeating the idea too much. All I've seen, and more importantly, felt so far is this starkness between bright and dark. There seems to be an endless supply of metaphorical imagery to chew on, even though they all seem so similarly opposite. And because it was introduced so early obviously it didn't seem right to "crown" it. Because of that, I feel a little overcome.

we're walking on ashes
honey, something ain't right
honey, something ain't right
fireflies are coming out of the ground
I don't like the word "coming".
but we're dancing with moths
as we touch their wings
their markings brush off
The flow of these four lines are a little cubersome. But I bet you've noticed that already? It's hard to know what to do in these situations: you really like the idea, but the words just don't "go". It's the English language for you. The most respective and interested ideas tend to flow like square wheels in the desert. I love the idea though. It added something new; something that this piece really needed.

it's just dust on the mountainside
falling down into water
there's only dark in the deep
and little else left up here
the fireflies are falling
the mountain's losing its might
into the dust we are sinking
This is all too much. It really is. Even though you've seemingly repeated the same idea over and over again I feel nothing emotionally concreted. I haven't felt punched in the gut. It all seems like a magical fairy-tale that is stuck on repeat in your DVD player.
honey, something ain't right
honey, something ain't right
Yet this then jumps into a whole territory of lyrics. It seemed like it was tagged on because you were listening to a favourite song with similar style of lyrics. It just doesn't suit in my eyes.

we're lost in the dust
and we can't get back
don't know which way I'm falling
got to believe there are crystals inside the black
how come creatures evolving in the darkness
become transparent in time
but they're always the brightest
when they're brought out into the daylight?
I like this question; you've taken something more out of the English language.

honey, something ain't right
honey, something ain't right

I struggled to really
Very nice ending. It's underwhelming, the way a piece like this should be. It seems so over-the-top that a similar type ending would just irritate me beyond belief.


This has some nice moments, but in all, I found it too repetitive. I actually much preferred Thoughts on Poetry and it's Critique.
#13
Woah. Thank you, guys! And I agree with you Dan, except that with what I have in mind for the music I think the changes in images are gradual enough (you're obviously not expected to hear that through the lyrics, though!).
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#14
These two pieces have been fantastic.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#16
I read all your work, KAtherine. The only reason I don't comment is because of the VAST contrast in styles and opinions. I know everytime I read something of yours I'm going to enjoy it and dislike a lot of your presentation choices. I've told you that 100 times already; "I loved the content, but the way you tossed the lines together and the rhymes you choose throw me off." Figured I'd stop being a broken record.

Again, well deserved wifey.