#1
A Five-Pointed Clean Spot Above Every Room Number

You've isolated yourself in your
hotel room, lit by the cold, blue glow
of your laptop,
a picture of Antarctica.
Given nothing but lifeless ice, and you are
building sculptures.

If I still saw with eyes
like yours,
I would be running down these
halls, collecting the stars off the doors and fitting
them in my latest galaxy.
But instead I can only stand here and shape
a few snowballs, or maybe hand you your tools
when you need them.
#3
I must say that I love this kind of songwriting. The imagery felt really strong to me.
Not the most helpful of critiques, just an appreciation for the imagery.
"Why should we subsidise intellectual curiosity?"
-Ronald Reagan

"Knowledge is in every country the surest basis of public happiness."
-George Washington
#4
your words are evocative without being excessive. that's good. your themes get a little muddled on account of the abstract nature of the whole thing though (of course i have no right to be criticizing anyone for being abstract). however, this was pretty impressive, i get the feeling that you'll flourish here.
#5
Quote by brokencoastline
A Five-Pointed Clean Spot Above Every Room Number

You've isolated yourself in you
hotel room, lit by the cold, blue glow <---removing the comma between "cold" and "blue" would make it flow better IMO
of your laptop,
a picture of Antarctica.
Given nothing but lifeless ice, and you are
building sculptures.

If I still saw with eyes
like yours,
I would be running down these
halls, collecting the stars off the doors I don't understand this much. "Collecting the stars off doors" has a sort of theft-y feel to it that isn't appropriate to the image you created in the first stanza and fitting
them in my latest galaxy.
But instead I can only stand here and shape
a few snowballs
I like how this refers back to the "lifeless sculptures" in the first stanza, or maybe hand you your tools
when you need them
. <--this phrase is mundane and anticlimatic. Maybe because it's much too literal compared to the surreal metaphors used earlier.


I love the imagery in the first stanza. I can't get the image of a blue glow of Antarctica reflected off a computer screen on someone's lonely face out of my mind.


if you'd like to critique my piece "Eye of the Needle" or "Wet Amber", please do. :]

p.s. I see you're new, welcome to S&L
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian