#1
This is a song I wrote about an ex girlfriend that I went out with for over a year, since I'm 15 that's a pretty long time for me. Anyways we broke up and I knew it was for the best, but still felt slightly jealous whenever she mentioned another boy, but I knew if we went out, it would turn out for the worse.
Here it is, please critique it harshly.



"I'm alive and well again
With memories of you packed away
Contemplating the time I spent
Auditioning to be your saving grace

The halo you grew was just an illusion
She loves me yes, she loves me not.
You're adding to the veil of confusion
I hope you're worth the battles I've fought.

I want freedom from your presence
I crave being all alone
But everytime I see you
I see the piece of me you own

I feel pain and jealousy together
The dust has cleared, the stage is set
I told you we would last forever
But now I'm hoping that you'll forget

I want freedom from your presence
I crave being all alone
But everytime I see you
I see the piece of me you own

Being near you makes me angry
You're selling yourself too short
To the hungry world around you
I hope you know what you're doing
Because I don't have a clue
And I guess I never will.
Goodbye."
Last edited by Blueslushee at Jul 6, 2009,
#2
I really like the part that repeats. This bit.

"I want freedom from your presence
I crave being all alone
But everytime I see you
I see the piece of me you own"

I like it's flow and I overall think it's well written.

However, the rest of it...maybe it's because I'm not sure what genre you're going for here, but it isn't flowing to me. If you can make it flow, it will be good.
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#3
I think I know what you mean.
I'm trying to keep the rhymes, but change the words in between, I've tossed around a lot of choices and I'll just have to sort through them again, thank you.

EDIT: And I'm going for a alternative/post-grunge feel.
#4
This was very good, so here are some overall suggestions.

I thought it flowed just fine, your only problem was that you stopped rhyming at the end and the lack of continuity threw it a bit. I think that verse isn't at the standard of the rest of it and that that lets the whole thing down, as that's meant to be what ties it all together.

I also think that you could be a bit more imaginative/explorative with your metaphors and images. 'Clearing the dust' next to 'setting the stage' is quite an unexciting way to say what you wanted, and when you've shown that you're perfectly able of creating good flow and working lyrics, that was annoying. You could also try some more poetic techniques, eg. alliteration and assonance, to spice it up a bit and make it feel more interesting (your emotion is there and that was wonderful, but it could still be built upon).

Well done
I have a piece in my sig and I'd appreciate a comment if you have the time.
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#5
Thank you
I'll take a look at the last piece, I only wrote it like that because I didn't want to force rhymes throughout the whole song.
I'll take a look at your piece too.