#1
this one needs no introduction. c4c.

rabbit (burrows, shells and empty podiums)

it’s a race

you don’t know the who, why or how
but it’s a race and you’re running
you’re running like fire
running on desire and whatever
holy of holies you treasure inside

it’s a race
and you’ve got a new face
newly retraced notions of who
what, when you’re alone
are you alone and scared
or unaware of just how alone you are?

it’s a race
but your running days are gone
and hiding gets old
when you’ve nowhere left to go
and your soul is painted on

but rabbits have burrows
and the tortoise his shell
but you believe you are neither
you’re headed to hell
you’ve strayed from your path
and you know it, yes
you know it so well

it’s a race
it’s a shambles
it’s a rainy day picnic in the park
it’s a stroke of fate
a little late to anticipate
that you’re wrong
but you’re wrong oh so well
so well

it’s a race
but no one will win in the end
#2
I thought the first stanza lacked a lot of punch and really made me no want to read on. I also think that the last 3 stanzas were really all that was necessary here. The rest provides background (Sort of) but those deliver. Good read though.


EDIT: As she pointed out. The Rhymes bothered me here too. They were just Blech.
#3
I hated the rhymes in here and thought that the way the ideas progressed into each other were fairly immature. The content was great and all of the ideas behind it made me pissed off that I got so little from the presentation. You've said a simple statement with a lot of words, most of which agitated me rather than entertaining me. And I wish wish wish that I didn't feel the need to say that, because the concept was so good. I find that with a fair few of your pieces you go into ranting about the subject matter to the extent that the actual intent gets lost. It's like you're just discussing the topic with me but not expecting anything solid from yourself or me to come out of the conversation, or you come to the conclusion but you haven't been asking bold enough questions so the answers to them don't hold weight.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Jul 6, 2009,
#4
i think its good but some of the rhymes werent that great and what does running like fire even mean?? those are my only comments otherthan u need to put emotion into songwriting otherwise it will constantly suck.
#7
please don't change
ugh change it's a race to life's a race...

that's is godawful advice.

aside from that, this was decent. not your best.
The rhyming was hit or miss.
but I like the idea behind it.
this one is for you.
#9
1st Stanza- excellent, great, if there is any other words to describe those emotions just insert here(insert) .

2nd Stanza- While I think it is well writen. I would have loved for you to incorporate the who, why, how again instead of who, what, and really nothing. Does that make sense cause I could further explain? Overall, it is a solid stanza.

3rd Stanza- Lacks an overall punch. I think the topic idea is excellent but just does not have the intensity that the first stanza featured. Personally, i would look for a better analogy to end it off.

4th Stanza- Begins well but ends off sorta average. I would rework the wording in the final 2-3 sentences.

5th Stanza & End - Overall, I just do not find the ending that agressive sounding like it was meant to be. There are some really good lines (like the picnic) but in general it could be much much better.

overall, this is one solid piece that with some reworkings good be excellent. Keep your head up high and the pen mighty and it will be there very very soon.

Please crit. mine it is a little lower than yours and titled "Together Through Life"

Thanks and Cheers