#1
The teacher talked--
I'd say blabbered but it'd be too rude--
for a good hour and eight minutes (I checked my watch to the last digit),
before dismissing us in a wave of apprehension.
Human bodies crowded the doorway
fat and thin, tall and short, dilapidated and in-proportion.
Naturally, I eyed the most attractive one
because that's what I was meant to do--reproduce,
before dying off into a bottomless pit,
natural selection, they call it.
(I saw it when I was five in a National Geographic documentary).
They depicted
the best qualities
mingling in a sea of chromosomes,
growing up into living, breathing, fucking creatures.
I eyed that girl and followed her into the narrow hallway
where the sun grew dark and the windows became smaller,
until there was only me and her and empty space.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
Last edited by Laces Out Danny at Jul 6, 2009,
#2
i wanted more after that end

But ending at that exact moment is very clever, as is most of this piece. I do feel it lags at some points, but not severely enough to damage the piece as a whole. PM me if you want me to point out some specifi examples.
#3
Feels like somewhere between The Mars Volta and Giant Sand to me. I wouldn't be able to put it to music but if you can, I'm sure you could make something real nice out of it.
#4
Quote by Laces Out Danny
The teacher talked--
I meant to say blabbered, but that would come off as too rude-- perhaps shortening this sentence would help flow: "I'd say blabbered but it'd be too rude" maybe?
for a good hour and eight minutes (I checked my watch to the last digit),
before dismissing us in a wave of apprehension.
Human bodies like sheep colonies crowded the doorway I think the similie isn't needed here, "Human bodies crowded the doorway" is harder-hitting and there are no more sheep references throughout the piece.
fat and thin, tall and short, dilapidated and in proportion.
Naturally, I eyed the most attractive in-proportion one proportionate instead of in-proportion maybe?
because that's what I was meant to do--reproduce,
before dying off into a bottomless pit,
natural selection, they call it.
(I saw it when I was five in a National Geographic documentary).
They depicted
the best qualities
mingling in a sea of chromosomes,
growing up into living, breathing, fucking creatures.
I eyed that girl and followed her into the narrow hallway
where the sun grew dark and the windows became smaller,
until there was only me and her and empty space.


Just a few things I think could help.
#5
Quote by Laces Out Danny
The teacher talked--
I'd say blabbered but it'd be too rude--
gone too far with it, if you're going to say that a teacher isn't saying much, you have to be clever about it
for a good hour and eight minutes (I checked my watch to the last digit),
this kind of assonance/rhyme is very good and I wish it was used throughout
before dismissing us in a wave of apprehension.
Human bodies crowded the doorway
fat and thin, tall and short, dilapidated and in-proportion.
after the smaller line before this felt too long, but I think that it was that the former was too short. I'd play with the line breaks of this a bit, see what you can do
Naturally, I eyed the most attractive one
the 'one' made the half rhyme less effective and I can't help but think this could be phrased better
because that's what I was meant to do--reproduce,
before dying off into a bottomless pit,
maybe a semi-colon?
natural selection, they call it.
(I saw it when I was five in a National Geographic documentary).
Maybe get rid of the full stop if you're going to use ellipses?
They depicted
the best qualities
mingling in a sea of chromosomes,
growing up into living, breathing, fucking creatures.
The difference in line lengths was a bit odd here, again I couldn't help thinking it could be more discrete
I eyed that girl and followed her into the narrow hallway
where the sun grew dark and the windows became smaller,
until there was only me and her and empty space.
maybe put 'and empty space' on a different line or something? It kind of hit, but in an odd way where it half-hit and I think it's such a strong idea that it should have been more hitting. Still, the half-hit was kind of interesting

Interesting. I feel it could be more interesting.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
I liked it alot mate. Well done


Quote by Våd Hamster
Find a dice and assign a number to each girl. Throw the dice.


The number you hope for at the moment you throw the dice, is the one you'll want to keep.
#7
thanks for the crits guys

DigUpHerBones, thanks for the thorough crit, I really appreciate it. Although I can't see a way in which I can change this poem for the better, it will certainly help me when writing in the future.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian