#1
I can't kill this feeling
I can't kill it, I can't kill it now
I can't kill this feeling
I can't kill it, I can't kill it now
You were like God in the city of my ming
Always there, always loving, always standing strong
I thought you'd be there forever, till the end
Forever must've ended too soon
So where are you know?
Where did you go when the lights went down?
When did you sew my eyes shut?
Where did you hide my heart?
Where did you hide my heart?
Where did you hide my heart?
Where's the X that marks the spot?
Who's corpse is in my closet?
Is it yours? Is it yours?
Who's gost is in my house?
Is it yours? Is it yours?
Who's eyes are watching me?
Are they yours? Are they yours?
Who's blood is on the floor?
Is it yours? Is it yours?
Who's funeral did I burn?
Was it yours? Was it yours?
Now do you have the time,
To put all this to an end?
And would you trade all your bullets,
For a hospital bed?
Or is it too risky?
Since you don't take chances
And am I living proof,
That you don't do second dances?
And since my house is filled with lies,
I had to bathe in blood
For the times that I had you,
Now that you're gone
I can't kill it! I can't kill it! I can't kill it anymore!
I can't kill you, I won't kill you, I'll just die on the bathroom floor...


critique plz
Last edited by Harrisfun at Jul 6, 2009,
#2
.... Wow...
I'd love to hear how you would envision this being sung, but simply as textual lyrics I like it a lot. I'm going to assume that... this is about a love relationship... that's the feeling I get from it anyways, but at certain points I was thinking family member or someone looked up to.
I think it's got a lot of potential.
One thing I wasn't sure about, though, was the repetitions of lines consecutively. That wouldn't be a technique I would employ were I ever to write something whole and complete that sounded decent, but then again, a lot of how successful it is depends on how it is sung.
One thing that is definitely good is that I started to sing it in my head and give it musical characteristics as I read it, so it seems like it will translate well to the world of sound.
Nice job! Keep me updated if it goes anywhere musically or you change anything!
#3
I can't kill this feeling
I can't kill it, I can't kill it now
I can't kill this feeling
I can't kill it, I can't kill it now
You were like God in the city of my ming
Always there, always loving, always standing strong
I thought you'd be there forever, till the end
Forever must've ended too soon

I'm imagining this as the intro, and starting verse. I'm picturing this on an acoustic guitar, not just spoken word poetry. So far, a little more play with the syllable pattern would be so much more beautiful.

So where are you know?

I picture this as maybe a bridge to the chorus. It sounds great. Also, the KNOW should be NOW, no? I think it was a typo

Where did you go when the lights went down?
When did you sew my eyes shut?
Where did you hide my heart?
Where did you hide my heart?
Where did you hide my heart?

This will make a great chorus

Where's the X that marks the spot?
Who's corpse is in my closet?
Is it yours? Is it yours?
Who's gost is in my house?
Is it yours? Is it yours?
Who's eyes are watching me?
Are they yours? Are they yours?
Who's blood is on the floor?
Is it yours? Is it yours?
Who's funeral did I burn?
Was it yours? Was it yours?
Now do you have the time,
To put all this to an end?
And would you trade all your bullets,
For a hospital bed?
Or is it too risky?
Since you don't take chances
And am I living proof,
That you don't do second dances?
And since my house is filled with lies,
I had to bathe in blood
For the times that I had you,
Now that you're gone
I can't kill it! I can't kill it! I can't kill it anymore!
I can't kill you, I won't kill you, I'll just die on the bathroom floor...'

This seems to fall apart, like it all just dropped out of your head at once. Without going into nitpicky specifics, I'd say try playing around with syllables and rhyming scheme. I don't like the "chances" and "dances" part. Look up "slant rhyme", its a great style to incorperate. I hope it helps a bit, for lack of advice.
Marijuana is the spice of life.

I Force Choke my penis when I masturbate.

8)-~
#6
since you all asked, i was thinking kind of an MCR song, where it mostly isnt screaming, but schreechy yelling
and thanks for the critiques guys, they helped a lot