#1
been working on this for the past half-hour or so. crit for crit, people, leave links.

prepared.

out in the backyard,
where i once wrote a poem about the sunset.
i tried to capture the essence of king sun
falling behind the
horizon, throwing its' last rays on the dead leaves of trees,
on the reflection of my hazed eyes,
on the hollowness of forced rhymes.
saw it as an attempt of sun trying to climb
back up and save the day - to no avail.
sun did everything it could and still failed.
i would've stayed there until i ran out ink
if hadn't been for the villainous storm
that made me drop my pen and run inside.
i had trouble sleeping that night.

now, i'm back here again. this time
with the longest, thickest rope i could find
and my own bottle of rain.
#2
Quote by cubs
been working on this for the past half-hour or so. crit for crit, people, leave links.

prepared.

out in the backyard,
where i once wrote a poem about the sunset.
---i'm liking this already. great start.
i tried to capture the essence of king sun
falling behind the
horizon, throwing its' last rays on the dead leaves of trees,
---i'm a huge dallas green fan, these lyrics are really grabbing me, already. wow.
good.

on the reflection of my hazed eyes,
on the hollowness of forced rhymes.
saw it as an attempt of sun trying to climb
back up and save the day - to no avail.
sun did everything it could and still failed.
---i normally would have hated these two rhymes, avail and failed. but, i dont know. something about them just worked well.

i would've stayed there until i ran out ink
if hadn't been for the villainous storm
that made me drop my pen and run inside.
i had trouble sleeping that night.
---good.

now, i'm back here again. this time
with the longest, thickest rope i could find
and my own bottle of rain.
---oh wow. great twist. i loved this alot. this was great. i couldnt find anything i would change.


do you listen to city and colour by any chance?
something about this just screamed dallas green.
maybe cause i'm listening to him right now.
i dont know.
but this truly was a great read.
9/10


mind taking a look at my latest?
"never say forever"
if not, thats cool too.
but i would appreciate it alot.
great job.

9/10
#3
I think the idea was great; I think it'd have been nicer if you made the whole thing longer and looked at each little part in just a little bit more detail.
#5
My crit. is pretty simple.

I enjoy the read very much, but I think that the wording could be reviewed in the beginning of the piece. The second half is quite good though.
#7
no fighting in my thread guys
and no, i've never listened to city and colour, haha. perhaps i should check them (him?) out. for the record, i don't think this is near perfect. i am flattered, though. thanks for the crit guys, leave links!
#8
haha.
i wasnt fighting
just extremely bored at work


if you would be kind enough i would love for you to check out my latest.

"never say forever"

link in my sig

=]
#9
prepared. In hindsight, damn good title. Makes you think for most of the poem - "Why the title?"

out in the backyard,
where i once wrote a poem about the sunset. Great intro- short, snappy, does the job.
i tried to capture the essence of king sun
falling behind the
horizon, throwing its' last rays on the dead leaves of trees,
on the reflection of my hazed eyes, Great phrasing/language in these lines.
on the hollowness of forced rhymes. I chuckled at this line- at least you're aware of the problem.
saw it as an attempt of sun trying to climb
back up and save the day - to no avail. Loved the image of the sun climbing, and double meaning to "save the day".
sun did everything it could and still failed.
i would've stayed there until i ran out ink
if hadn't been for the villainous storm
that made me drop my pen and run inside.
i had trouble sleeping that night. Previous comment to here was the weakest bit to me, still solid though.

now, i'm back here again. this time
with the longest, thickest rope i could find
and my own bottle of rain. Great outro- ties everything up neatly, and has a somewhat comical ridiculousness to it.


Overall: Liked it a lot, the conciseness of things really added to it since it lets the reader put their own spin to things. C4C in sig if you're into that, take your pick.
#10
prepared.
hey I always write more than I intend, so sorry in advance haha. The title's alright, can't think of anything better right now, but maybe by the end

out in the backyard,
where i once wrote a poem about the sunset. first line's a fragment, then this is more complete. I get that you're just setting the scene, but it feels a bit awkward, like the third should be a continuation, and if you read it without the period, it is. So why the period?
i tried to capture the essence of king sun sounds like you're giving the Sun a playfulish name here, which is fine, but then you drop it a bit. Consistency would be better I think
falling behind the
horizon, throwing its' you don't need the apostrophe on its here, and wouldn't it be "his"? last rays on the dead leaves of trees,
on the reflection of my hazed eyes, cool description of eyes, though i'm not sure how accurate this is from a physics/light/science perspective haha
on the hollowness of forced rhymes.
saw it as an attempt of sun trying to climb
back up and save the day - to no avail. fragments again, and, as mopmaster said, these next five or six lines are a bit weak. This one and the next are much more trite than the rest of the piece; I think part of the issue is the forced rhyme. If you did this on purpose as a semi-subtle call to your previous line about forced rhymes, I think it was ineffective. It's too awkward and seriously breaks the flow.
sun did everything it could and still failed.
i would've stayed there until i ran out of? ink back to full sentences? The back and forth thing only served to make me stop reading and go back to analyze why it felt off, and I don't think you did that intentionally?
if hadn't been for the villainous storm 'villainous' seems like a bad description of the storm, like you took it too far. Maybe relentless, heedless, careless, reckless, vicious, or chaotic?
that made me drop my pen and run inside.
i had trouble sleeping that night. this line and the previous one seem very basic “this happened and then this happened and then I did this and then I did this”, very s p e l l e d it all out for us with simpler language than you'd been using previously

now, i'm back here again. this time
with the longest, thickest rope i could find i'd look for something better than 'longest, thickest', but i'm not sure what direction you want to go with it
and my own bottle of rain. cool line
I like it, and I respect the fact that you wrote it in about 30 minutes. There are some things you I think you should work on certainly, but it's a nice piece I hope you're not discouraged by my criticisms – I feel like they're all constructive, and i'm only trying to help. I'd love to see a revised version!

Iain.
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#11
wow, thanks for such a complete crit man. i honestly appreciate it a lot. i agree with a lot of your points and will consider them next time i write. as for this, i don't know if i'll end up working on it more. it was just some quick idea that came to my mind and i wrote a quick poem for it. i don't know if its worth revising, haha. i will try to see if i can make it more solid. also, i have never seen you on the forums before. you should stick around more often. leave a link if you have a piece up and i'll return the favor.
#12
you're welcome glad to hear back from you about this! And i'm glad you weren't discouraged by what I said. I understand that some poems are just quick little things, and that's great - you obviously don't have to work on this if you don't want to. As for not knowing if it's worth it, of course it is Good writing is rewriting.

I don't post too often, though sometimes i'm more active than others. I don't have anything up right now, nor have I lately, so don't worry about it. Hope to see more from you soon
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#13
Put capitals into this. It's a bolder piece than it looks. I liked it as it is but also see great potential in pieces looking at each aspect in more depth. I enjoyed this.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#14
this piece showed no concious thought in regards to form. it was like a singer who sings every song in the same cadence, I got bored fast. Loved the idea. Loved the imagery. loved the last lines. But hated how you got there. Once again, there was no urgency here. I didnt feel like you needed to write this and that hindered my enjoyment of it.
#15
i'm actually considering rewriting this. 1synth, i understand what you are saying, and i agree, that's a problem i've always have had. the ideas are in my head, i just have trouble presenting them in a interesting way. don't really know what to do about it
thanks everyone.
#16
Quote by cubs
been working on this for the past half-hour or so. crit for crit, people, leave links.

prepared.

out in the backyard,
where i once wrote a poem about the sunset.
i tried to capture the essence of king sun
falling behind the I'm not sure about this line break.
horizon, throwing its' last rays on the dead leaves of trees,
on the reflection of my hazed eyes,
on the hollowness of forced rhymes.
saw it as an attempt of sun trying to climb
back up and save the day - to no avail.
sun did everything it could and still failed. This line seems to hold the same content as the previousi would've stayed there until i ran out ink
if hadn't been for the villainous storm
that made me drop my pen and run inside.
i had trouble sleeping that night.

now, i'm back here again. this time
with the longest, thickest rope i could find
and my own bottle of rain.



I thought this was an interesting and refreshing read. Its easy to read with nice images. My only to concerns are the one line break, and the other seems to be a repeat kind of line. And actually the last line of the first stanza seems a little "eh" like it could use an extra bounce. The last three lines are great though.

if you can A Storm Like Love
Outside the side box that's outside your sky box.