#1
heres another random-y i just wrote. again, critisize all u want/can, it would really help.

** We dont see what you couldnt before**

One day the time will come
we'll see whats right and who was wrong
All the matter will be resolved
Then his work can be dissolved

We feel a steady hand
Resting over you
And i've got control
A creators final role

The high can't tell what time is right
It's the moment that just passed
When its too hard we try
So that it means it's justified

Flooding light breaks some down
leaves us standing still, and if
this all means defeat than I
Surely can't die.

thanks
Last edited by ~JIMMY~ at Jul 7, 2009,
#2
There was a lot I liked in this piece and there are some things that I would suggest for you to consider. First and foremost, I liked the topic you chose, mainly because it is not too overdone and it is obviously very personal to you. From how I interpret it, you're taking a look at judgment day and taking solace in your faith in God (am I way off base?). Like I said, the more personal it is, the more I like it and you've certainly picked a topic to do that.

That leads me to my one criticism, and that is that I wish you dug deeper into your feelings. For me at least, it seems like you left me hanging, like I was on the precipice of really getting at your emotion but instead, you wouldn't take me there. This topic has so much potential for you to open up and put some emotion into it but I don't think you took it far enough. However, that's my opinion.

Solid work, nonetheless. And also, I would consider revising the first two lines of the second stanza to either "We feel a steady hand resting over us" or "You feel a steady hand resting over you". It doesn't sound right the way you have it worded.
here, My Dear, here it is
#3
Quote by SubwayToVenus
There was a lot I liked in this piece and there are some things that I would suggest for you to consider. First and foremost, I liked the topic you chose, mainly because it is not too overdone and it is obviously very personal to you. From how I interpret it, you're taking a look at judgment day and taking solace in your faith in God (am I way off base?). Like I said, the more personal it is, the more I like it and you've certainly picked a topic to do that.

That leads me to my one criticism, and that is that I wish you dug deeper into your feelings. For me at least, it seems like you left me hanging, like I was on the precipice of really getting at your emotion but instead, you wouldn't take me there. This topic has so much potential for you to open up and put some emotion into it but I don't think you took it far enough. However, that's my opinion.

Solid work, nonetheless. And also, I would consider revising the first two lines of the second stanza to either "We feel a steady hand resting over us" or "You feel a steady hand resting over you". It doesn't sound right the way you have it worded.


wow that was a solid chunk of fback thanks. yea its about judgement from a couple of perspectives. and thanks for the tips ill expand on it and revise the odd things. sick username btw, i love the chili's
thanks again
Last edited by ~JIMMY~ at Jul 8, 2009,