#1
C4C

Well pick up your arms and hold your fist in the air
Start writing your names with sticks in the sand
Start casting your votes for the men in the coats
You know the ones with all the blood on their hands

You know Obama's the same, he ain't no symbol for change
The only difference is the pigment in his lying skin
He said he'll stop the war and send the troops back to fort
But that's until he got his foot in the door

Well now I hear about nuclear war to kill off all the poor
And get the homeless people off the streets
In the meantime we got death in Darfur knocking at our door
But we'll just tuck it in the floorboards

Now they take away our civil rights and draft us off to fight
Instead of educating all the kids
They say it's freedom that we're fighting for, well I couldn't agree more
that's why we're ripping down the White House doors

Well if its a war you want then it's a war you've got
But it's not gonna be in Iraq
'Cause theres a million kids who don't support what you did
and they're not about to drop the bombs
So maybe you should get your asses up
Pretend you give a f*ck
And actually do the s*it you say you'll do
If not then maybe we will take a stand
And write 'em out by hand, some draft cards we can send to your door
Cause maybe when it's you who's overseas for what you don't believe
You'll see that theres no ratio of blood to oil
that makes the war alright, I hope you sleep at night
With a gun underneath your head
And a nightmare inside your mind
Last edited by lespaulsg09 at Jul 7, 2009,
#2
Use more literary elements, its too plain.
And learn more about it first, cause most of it isn't relevant.
#3
i agree with the previous post.
i'm definitely not an obama fan by any means.
but i found it hard to agree with.
it was written well. it just didnt do much for me.


but hell.
if youre going to be playing it all anti-flagish and stuff,
it could be good.
but just think.
that the rest of the country is still in love with barack. so..


eh.
i'd give it a 5/10
#4
As a lyrical piece this is quite average in every sense of the word. I remember back my junior year i wrote a lot of political savy pieces and the #1 thing to make them work or be gems is that you need to have a new thought or idea coming through the piece as your theme. Sadly, this piece does not really have anything of that nature. Also, I would say that the topic beats around the bush a lot without actually attacking.

As a genre piece, aka anti-flag, this piece will fit your audience perfectly. There is nothing nobody can say against that, because we all know that type of audience will go banannas for this type of lyrical content.

overall, sir you're in a bit of a pickle because if you want to be known as a great lyric writer you must make massive revamps to this piece. But if you are in a band that could be routined with Anti-Flag or even Sum 41 than you're fine and don't take these crits. to heart.

Cheers!