#1
So it seems,
my castle of playing cards has fallen down around me;
and you're the queen of hearts, my dear.
"come inside, step out of the rain."
your heart's a storm in a teacup now.

we take comfort in the eye of the storm,
how could something so temporary seem so permanent?
never say forever.
don't even pretend.
it's almost perfect, to be full of flaws.
never say perfect.
don't even pretend.

oh, how scary it really is, to be fearless!
and the only thing that's truly dangerous,
is feeling completely safe.


wow, its been at least a year and a half since i last posted my lyrics.
or visited this site at all for that matter.
thanks for reading.
i would love some completely honest opinions.
=]
#2
I really enjoy the first stanza especially the last two lines. You can tell that there is some plain out raw emotion in there.

After that first stanza the piece, to me, generally loses its passion/emotion compared to the first stanza.

I would say revamp the second stanza but keep the general ideas. Maybe use as much imagery as the first had.

The final stanza is good.

Overall, if the second stanza has some revisions this piece would be above solid.

P.S. thanks for the crit, or lack of crit according to yourself, on my piece.
#3
yeah.
i totally agree.
i wrote the second bit about a year and a half ago probably.
wrote the first and last stanzas the other day.
actually,
during the second part the songs slows way down and gets quieter.
i've been trying to fix it it. but i cant see how.
=/
#4
I agree that the first stanza very good due to the images and metaphors you created. If the second stanza is intended to be your chorus, I would think about shortening it to maybe one of two repeating lines. Maybe just have it be "never say forever" and/or "don't even pretend". That's just my opinion though.

Then after that, I think another solid verse like your first one should be in there with the last stanza you have here to be your bridge and then I think you'd have a really good song on your hands.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
wow, thank you.
at first i had it as:

we take comfort in the eye of the storm,
how could something so temporary seem so permanent?
never say forever.
don't even pretend.
it's almost perfect, to be full of flaws.
never say perfect.


but it totally would work better as:

we take comfort in the eye of the storm,
how could something so temporary seem so permanent?
never say forever.
it's almost perfect, to be full of flaws.
never say perfect.
don't even pretend.


thanks so much.


ive been trying to write another verse.
i'll post it if i get it done.
#6
It sounds pretty cool. What's the chording you're looking to setting it to, or the general feel of the music? While the others posted valid points, it can easily be overlooked, if you're not emphasizing the lyrics musically as the core of the piece (As opposed to a major rhythm of some kind or guitar riff)
#8
The first stanza does invoke some strong emotions. All in all I like what you wrote and I would love to hear this with music?
#10
Sorry about the useless comment but I really cant find anything bad to say about it, it's a good solid piece of writing, you're clearly well practised at writing lyrics. This is one of those songs that doesnt need any constructive criticism or comments. Its brilliant just as it is. Nice work and let me know when you've got this recorded. Would love to hear it sung.
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#11
thanks. will do.
there's a link to my music myspace profile in my sig. the songs i have up were recorded around a year ago. they sound terrible.

but i would love for you to check it out. =]
#12
I really enjoyed it. I was told once that if you get a really good start and finish, you shouldn't worry too much about the middle and I think you carried that, especially with the awesome last line.

Might I suggest juggling the lines about so it reads:
we take comfort in the eye of the storm,
how could something so temporary seem so permanent?
it's almost perfect, to be full of flaws.
never say forever.
never say perfect.
don't even pretend.

If you were going to use it as a chorus, it gives it that 'closing' feel to it. But meh, that's my 10p's worth. It's a great song anyways. Well done.
#13
Quote by TonyRandall
So it seems,
my castle of playing cards has fallen down around me;
and you're the queen of hearts, my dear.
"come inside, step out of the rain."
your heart's a storm in a teacup now.
-Amazing imagery, good connections throughout the stanza

we take comfort in the eye of the storm,
-Eye of the storm is really overdone
how could something so temporary seem so permanent?
-The line just doesn't sit right. wish i had more helpful critisim here, sorry @_@
never say forever.
don't even pretend.
it's almost perfect, to be full of flaws.
never say perfect.
don't even pretend.
-I like the change proposed by the other guy


oh, how scary it really is, to be fearless!
-While scary feels out of place, the comparrison is damn poetic
and the only thing that's truly dangerous,
is feeling completely safe.
-Eclipsed by the previous line, i think you could really do something here. I wouldn't start with And though. With, when, while, because, know etc all work just as well without being dead link words (I have a huge issue avoid and usage myself >.>

wow, its been at least a year and a half since i last posted my lyrics.
or visited this site at all for that matter.
thanks for reading.
i would love some completely honest opinions.
-Hahahaha, i thought this was a verse xD
=]


Over all impression was really good, with just a little more power in the second stanza it'd be near perfection, though i'd still want it to be longer cause i like it Check out mine if you have the time, and i'll surely check out anything new you write
#14
Quote by TonyRandall
So it seems,
my castle of playing cards has fallen down around me;
and you're the queen of hearts, my dear.
"come inside, step out of the rain."
your heart's a storm in a teacup now.

seems is a nice vaque opening but it doesnt connect with the second line. They either fell or didnt you know what I mean? I think I like the last line but its debatable.

we take comfort in the eye of the storm,
how could something so temporary seem so permanent?
never say forever.
don't even pretend.
it's almost perfect, to be full of flaws.
never say perfect.
don't even pretend.

ok, I really like the idea here but its unclear to me exaclty what your trying to say. You say things seem permanent but you know they are not? Then the never say forever line makes me think your having a conversation, and these lines are what your saying to this persons statement, though as a reader I cant know this person or what they say. Also I feel like your saying dont even pretend to say forever which is a little wierd. But like I said I really like what your trying to get at but I think youve got to set it in a different format.

oh, how scary it really is, to be fearless!
and the only thing that's truly dangerous,
is feeling completely safe.

the first line is great, I just dont like the !. I feel it adds a yell after a a mellow whipser, which might be what you want, I dont know. the last two lines I wouldnt change.


wow, its been at least a year and a half since i last posted my lyrics.
or visited this site at all for that matter.
thanks for reading.
i would love some completely honest opinions.
=]


all in all I like this piece and its feel. I think if you changed the way you present it so that it connects better with a reader that this would truly be a great piece of writing.
keep on chooglin!
Outside the side box that's outside your sky box.