#1
These are some new lyrics. They are still a work-in-progress so I'd appreciate any thoughts or constructive criticisms. And of course, if you leave me a link, I'll return the favor.


Blackened Out Mirror


I had been sailing along in my lifeboat
though the liner was right by my side
In the feverish wrath of a perfect storm,
I could blame only you for hanging me out to dry

On a handmade table, 'neath a lamp I broke
I claimed my territory on a map
Have you the nerve, with your raw iron heart,
to tell me it's something I don't deserve to have?


CHORUS:
So I beat my fists on the ground
the rhythmic banging,
a backbeat for me to dance around
Every thunderous cry
telling me to open my eyes
Is lost like a shadow in the night


I thought for sure you lived in a cage out back
while I spied you from my house of cards
But it appears to me I had forgotten you
so you were famished enough to spill into the dark

In the avenues of my dreariest dreams
I fall asleep in the sewer pits
When I awake my neck gets locked in place
from searching for a sun I once had in my grips


CHORUS:
So I beat my fists on the ground
the rhythmic banging,
a backbeat for me to dance around
Every thunderous cry
telling me to open my eyes
Is lost like a shadow in the night


CHORUS:
So I beat my fists on the ground
the rhythmic banging,
a backbeat for me to dance around
Every thunderous cry
telling me to open my eyes
Is lost like a shadow in the night
here, My Dear, here it is
#2
Loved the chorus, the rhyme scheme in the chorus was a interesting little piece

The verses were also great too, great imagery kept me wanting to imagine even more of that world
No one throws away porn, their like heirlooms, pass them down your family tree!
#4
First of all thank you for the crit. I really appreciate it. Anyways, this critique isn't going to be as insightful as yours was, but I have to say that I really enjoyed reading it. The flow was great and I could definitely feel the beat in this piece. Also I liked the imagery you used. Especially the first verse after the chorus. That right there was just great. The only thing that bothered me was the last line of the chorus. I don't understand hopw a thunderous cry can be like a lost shadow. The two just don't connect for me. Also I'm not a fan of the AAA rhyming you have going there. Oh and the title. I just have a hard time saying "blackened out". (yeah, i'm nitpicking there). but really though, great job and I look forward to reading more from you.
#5
Brilliant man...simply brilliant. If you care to critique mine...its called memories in the mirror. i dunno how to attach it to this message. sorry man.
WTMOTHERF! Make me a cow plz!
#6
I thought for sure you lived in a cage out back
while I spied you from my house of cards
But it appears to me I had forgotten you
so you were famished enough to spill into the dark

In the avenues of my dreariest dreams
I fall asleep in the sewer pits
When I awake my neck gets locked in place
from searching for a sun I once had in my grips


that part was great.
good job.


solid chorus.
i really enjoyed reading this.
=]
take a look at "never say forever"
if you would like,
if not, thats cool too.


this was great!
#7
The chorus seemed really heavy, like the release of the build up of the verse, which was pretty cool. Good job, maybe a bridge before the final chorus is in the works?
#8
Thank you everybody for the feedback and compliments! I really appreciate it. And to answer your question, themarsvolta, I had intended the "thunderous cry telling me to open my eyes" to be drowned out by my fists banging on the ground. Basically I was saying that I'm unable to hear/see the opportunities to help myself and fix my problems because I'm too busy complaining that I have the problems in the first place. I kinda realized after writing the chorus that it was kind of a leap to make that connection but that was my thought process, whether I succeeded or not.

And yes, Vanadium, I am trying to figure out a bridge for it.

Thanks again everyone!
here, My Dear, here it is
#9
I really liked this.
The chorus was very strong which was a good release from the verses.
Loved the sailing through the storm imagery.

if you dont mind heres a link to mine
Gray Man
If I don't meet you no more in this world, I'll meet you in the next one and dont be late.

JWU Baking and Pastry '13
Last edited by Neopolitain at Jul 8, 2009,
#10
I loved the first verse. Really draws you in and gives some nice imagery, and I like the irony of being "hung out to dry in a perfect storm" (wasn't written that way but that's kinda how I read it.) Second verse was good as well. Kept me interested to the chorus. Chorus was VERY good. I especially love the use of the word backbeat (just because I think its a cool word). The third verse kinda confused me a bit. Probably just my severe lack of poetic comprehension skills though . Fourth verse is again very strong

I love the rhyming in the verses. The only spot where it feels a bit forced is in the fourth verse. Overall, very nice work dude. A little bit of revision to clear up what you're saying a little more simply in the third verse and you have yourself a fantastic piece
Quote by necrosis1193
As usual Natrone's mouth spouts general win.

Quote by Silverstein14
man, Natrone you're some kind of ninja I swear


Quote by gregs1020
plexi


i realize the longshot that is. little giant to humongous one.


Rest In Peace Stevie Ray
#11
Thanks for the compliments and suggestions. With that third verse, I just wanted to create this image of keeping someone in a cage but forgetting about them (aka neglecting them, not feeding them) to the point where they get so famished that they can slip through the bars and run away. I might be trying to say too much.
here, My Dear, here it is
#12
Ah, ok. Perhaps to clear that up the last line

"so you were famished enough to spill into the dark"

change it to something like...

"and you were famished enough to slip away into the dark"

Just my 2 cents. Most people probably made the connection though
Quote by necrosis1193
As usual Natrone's mouth spouts general win.

Quote by Silverstein14
man, Natrone you're some kind of ninja I swear


Quote by gregs1020
plexi


i realize the longshot that is. little giant to humongous one.


Rest In Peace Stevie Ray
#13
Thanks dude. I appreciate the feedback. That might work actually, thanks
here, My Dear, here it is