#1
Watched myself sink drearily into a black hole of
improbable shallows;
loose necked at the gallows.
Playing poker with all my hanging buddies,
because hell; we've got a lot in common
being criminals and all.

We're all just past the critical point;
where all the light our lives could produce
is being pulled back into darkness.
We're approaching critical mass;
Chandrasekhar would be proud.
Our lives are exploding and causing ripples in space time;
so that social workers can study our behaviors
as we dangle from the ropes we couldn't pawn off;
and getting the riches we so rightly don't deserve.

The singularity will dine tonight.
#2
This is so much better than your other piece it's not funny. Still not up to your old standard but there is definitely more punch and grit in this.
#3
Forget the pie, you make one damn good cheesecake. =]

I question this
loose necked at the gallows.
is "necked" correct? or would it be just "neck"?
being criminals and all.
This adds nothing and is my only bitter bite.
Our lives are exploding and causing ripples in space time;
And this here is my favorite line.


Zach, well done.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#4
I have to disagree with Ted on the "being criminals and all" line, that was one of my fav lines because it was just very Zach. Which is why it's good, being you and all
#5
In a sense, you just called him a criminal.
But, I understand where you're coming from.
Personally, I try to pretend I don't know who wrote a piece.
From that perspective, it removes little things like that.
Rids myself of expectations.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#6
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
I think the first line ran a little long, but the flow was a little issue throughout the first stanza. I really liked the idea behind it though, even if I thought you could have stretched it for a bit longer.

Now, in the second stanza, just after the critical mass point, I thought there was something missing, as it felt like it was less of a build up towards the explosion. I think you could have just made more of a progression, both in the writing and thematically towards the end of the piece.

I really felt like you were almost there, like the piece was just scraping the surface of the ideas you had. It's funny because this is how I write, very filtered lines hiding bigger ideas, but to see it from you is just different and I wish I could see both pieces next to each other, this and the expanded one.

I'm really happy to be reading you again.
This is not a pipe
#8
The large number of non-grammatical semi-colons in your poem bothers me. Semi-colons are used in place of conjunctions, and in the special case of "however" as a conjunction.
  • This is a sentence, and this is another. They are conjoined by a conjunction.
  • This is a sentence; this is another. They are conjoined by a semi-colon.
  • Pepole often misuse semi-colons as pauses in sentence flow. However, there are standardized rules for semi-colon use.
  • People often misuse semi-colons as pauses in sentence flow; however, there are standardized rules for semi-colon use.

That is all.

peace
Nothing to see here. Move along.
#10
I don't stutter when I say this Zach, you could easily be published if you wanted to be, almost more than anyone else on this website. You have an incredible gift in how you write. What I mean to say is, people arnt taught to write like you and so people don't write like you and if you add your unique view of the world on top of that you come out with an incredibly enviable style.

Keep writing and whatnot but srsly, get 100 poems together, edit them until your fingers bleed, give them to someone and see what happens.

You can tell I'm serious because I spelled your name correctly for the first time in my life.



have a good wedding
#12
This piece was worded beautifully, but on a personal level I couldn't connect with it. This doesn't necessarily mean it's bad though. I've always enjoyed your work due to the elegance in the language you use to convey your thoughts/stories/etc. One thing that I would like to point out, is that it reads so smoothly up until 'Chandrasekhar'. It's not that I don't know what you are referring to, its just the choice of using it here. Took me a double take to get the pronunciation down, making a slight hiccup.

And genuinely, thank you for the critique on my piece. I understand what you are saying and I try to back off of imagery, but sometimes I really just want to paint a picture that takes many glances to understand, or even to begin to understand. That piece in particular is actually very personal, but I completely know what you are talking about.
this one is for you.
#13
I'd like a smiley or sad or throwy up face on my sig.

...Or I'll come back here and give you something more than that smiley.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!