#1
This is a work in progress. It's cheesy and maybe even poppy but its for a girl who is far away and it kills me. Writing about her makes it all okay.

Some parts feel a little cluttered/wrongly placed. If you guys could help me organize that'd be awesome. Thanks a bunch.
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-Verse-
We were only 16 but had it all figured out
The stars in her eyes, you couldn't stop us now
The rhythm of her voice and the beat of his heart
700 Miles won't keep us apart
Like a fire in the night we were burning bright
Just follow me and hold on tight
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-Chorus-
You'll find me in the back of my mind
Where everything makes sense
It's easier than living for real
Hide from my fears and dream of you again
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-Verse 2-
We talked all night when the sun went down
I'd give it all to keep you around
So stay with me 'till the sun comes up
Never say never because its never enough
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-Chorus-
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-Breakdown-
If they made it to the moon I'll make it to your heart
Don't let it stop us we'll never be apart
Always with you my heart and soul
Just don't let go
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Chris Redfield Of The Resident Evil Club
Last edited by Bowlingforcerea at Jul 7, 2009,
#2
It's awesome that this song is really personal and that it's cathartic for you to write this. I have to suggest about the subject matter. However, the first verse is a little confusing and I think you have some tense issues. For example, the second line of it you use the first person but then in the next line you use the third person only to use the first person again the next line. I think it needs to be more consistent.

Also, be careful of cliches. You obviously feel strongly about this topic so I think if you really reflect on it, then you can come up with unique images and metaphors that haven't been overdone.
here, My Dear, here it is