#1
This, felt good. And these Red Elephants frequently are thought of.
Might add to this, probably won't. Message me your links to pieces =]


Red Elephants Jamming In The Night

Red Elephants Floating In A Sea Of Blue.
Carelessly positioned upright, slant-ways,
right-side-out, and upside-down.
Accomplished by the seamstress barely scraping by.

We're all seamstresses.

As you dance around in those pajamas.
I worry those elephants might fall off,
break away, or disappear.
Some stripes on those jammies could catch 'em; create order.

I need some stripes myself.
Promises meant a lot back then.
Last edited by ninja monkey at Jul 10, 2009,
#2
Ah ha. Now I get it.

The only thing I wasn't really fond of was the structure. I thought the one single line in the middle took strength away from the last line. However, I think I actually liked how it balanced the two parts of the piece. I just wish their content was balanced as well, rather than one line being stronger than the other.

Also, strangely enough, my TV is on in the background and there are elephants on it. Lovely.
This is not a pipe
#4
Quote by Carmel
Ah ha. Now I get it.

The only thing I wasn't really fond of was the structure. I thought the one single line in the middle took strength away from the last line. However, I think I actually liked how it balanced the two parts of the piece. I just wish their content was balanced as well, rather than one line being stronger than the other.

Also, strangely enough, my TV is on in the background and there are elephants on it. Lovely.

I never approach a piece thinking of structure. I just write. But thanks.
Red elephants by any chance?



Quote by #1 synth
^I think that dissonance between lines and sections is made more apparent by the color.

this was real cute, and i liked it for that. just thought I should tell you.

I added the colors for various reasons, stretching from I like them being there all the way too relating it to the book that inspired me. Wheather or not they add more clash or take away from anything isn't much of a concern to me. They'll be staying.
Cute >_>
I've been getting that a lot lately...
But you mean it in a good way. so thank you =]
Promises meant a lot back then.
#5
I envy your way with words. Its fluid like Jam. It could slide anywhere water could... but still maintain structure underneath and a more solid form (plus it tastes better).

Dylan was right, this was cute. Do I think you could go back and be a tad more careful with the run-on modifiers... so that they sonically sit well? Yeah. I didn't like how they fit together in the second stanza... I think you could rearrange those and make it flow better. I also didn't like your last line in the second "stanza." Felt Clumsy.

Fun to read; and as always... I love the way you do that voodoo you do.
#7
This has a comfortable voice and feel.
It's brief, meanders a bit, not a lot of sonics or rhythm, but the thought flows well.

I didn't care much for the gerund in the first line. Changing that to float would allow it to stand as a sentence. Not really all that important, though.

I'd probably start off with As you or When you to open the second half.
That would change it to a clause.
Then change I'm worried ... could ...
to I worry ... might ...
among other things, that rids the repeat in successive lines.
again, not really all that important.

The only thing that kinda stuck out, on first read was Accomplished.
That seems too engineered for something careless.

For some reason it made me briefly think of Pink Elephants on Parade.
Almost needs some blue donkeys to go with those red elephants. >.<

Anyway, yeah. This was fun.
Meadows
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