#1
slam.

I was a rebel raised to be a bull
to pull the plough, allow
the ground to lure me down
to slide between the cracks
and tracks I ran, when bound
to your idea of me, to be
more than I can, or ever could.
I would apply the very lie you taught
my tongue to utter, when stuttered
lines and dinner wines filled all our nights
before the lights went out and you shouted
my name in cries for rain to kill this drought;
you told me not to wait,
with a killer’s grim finesse.

Rebel raised, revised and staged;
a controlled mess –
but a rebel I was,
none the less.


This is not a pipe
#2
slam.

I was a rebel raised to be a bull
to pull the plough, allow
the ground to lure me down
to slide between the cracks
and tracks I ran, when bound
to your idea of me, to be
more than I can, or ever could.
I would apply the very lie you taught
my tongue to utter, when stuttered
lines and dinner wines filled all our nights
before the lights went out and you shouted
my name in cries for rain to kill this drought;
you told me not to wait,
with a killer’s grim finesse.

Rebel raised, revised and staged;
a controlled mess –
but a rebel I was,
none the less.




I enjoyed that, especially the second half of that first stanza. Excellent rhyme scheme for the material. I can't find too much wrong with this, other than that "a killer's grim finesse" kind of deflated the main stanza for me. I felt all the words were so well tailored to your meanings until that line. It works, but it just seemed a little stock, or out of place next to the rest of the piece's fresh feel. But yeah that's about all I would change.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1158670
We're only strays.
#3
I like it a lot, and it's good, you know it's good. But the one major thing that I didn't like was the amount of rhymes. It was big rhyme after big rhyme real quick, and that made it actually quite hard to follow. I'd have preferred it if there were slightly less, slightly more subtle rhymes.

Just my 2 cents.
#4
I enjoyed the poetic techniques but couldn't connect the content with it or much at all.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
Slaaaaaaaaam poetry
it has it's moments where it is powerful, if done correctly.
I liked this to an extent, it had some of that power, the rhymes were decent.

I'll try to come back later and see if I can fine-tune this wannabee critique.
this one is for you.
#6
slam.
Here, I'm interested. =]

I was a rebel raised to be a bull
to pull the plough, allow
The repitition of 'to' seems a bit odd for me. I'd perfer a comma after 'bull' or the second 'to' be replaced with 'and'.
the ground to lure me down
to slide between the cracks
and tracks I ran, when bound
cracks and tracks worked together so well here.
to your idea of me, to be
more than I can, or ever could.
I would apply the very lie you taught
my tongue to utter, when stuttered
In comparison to before, I'm not as found about utter and stutter.
lines and dinner wines filled all our nights
before the lights went out and you shouted
lights tripped up the flow a bit in my opinion, it came a bit early I think.
my name in cries for rain to kill this drought;
What drought?! This came out of no where...
you told me not to wait,
with a killer’s grim finesse.

Rebel raised, revised and staged;
a controlled mess –
but a rebel I was,
none the less.
huh, is that so?


Promises meant a lot back then.
#7
It read pretty.

I don't relate at all though; and I think that is somewhat because of the dissonance between the pretty rhymes and lines and flow and everything being pretty but the story underneath. Like hanging on a cross and singing "Always look on the Bright Side of Life." It's sort of comical because of the extreme dissonance (I'm not calling this comical; just trying to get the point across).

With an absence of connection; this is just another pretty face on a runway. Ultimately there wasn't anything underneath for me to get to know... so I invited this poem over for the evening, took advantage of it, and promised to call it; I never did.