#1
This time I'm back
Last time it was just another rainy night
All I had in the old shadows
Now everytime I leave you you don't see me go
And now I've left you

I touch your face and you give me your comfort
I come to you and you always give your time
Don't do this to me
You've got me on my knees

Ive lost my fortunes on women
I've lost you in a game
Now im all alone but I have our memories
Oh, You have your finger around my will

Now i see your face and all I see is a stranger
And as I look into the mirror, I see my changes
Dont do this to me
Im on my knees
Please

You showed me pain
I'm not sane and Ill do it to you
You're going to be on your knees

Dont this to me
(On your knees)
You're a stranger
(Do it to me)
Look into a mirror
(Just me and memories)

These lyrics are for your own interpretation. These lyrics are intended for a semi-ballad. Like a metal ballad. Please give me some advice and critique it thank you.
WTMOTHERF! Make me a cow plz!
Last edited by rhyme2zone at Jul 8, 2009,
#2
First of all let me say that I really loved the "I lost my fortunes on women/I lost you in a game" lines. I really thought it would do the piece could if you would've employed more gambling imagery. In some place the flow just seems to a be a bit choppy. But it probably flows well enough when it is sung. I also like the "Now i see your face.../And as I look into the mirror..." lines. The rhyme you had going on there was quite nice. My biggest concern with this piece was the first two stanza. The rainy night/ old shadows thingy seemed really cliche first off. Also I want more details. Where does he leave to? Also what does he mean by "don't do this to me". I know songs are suppose to be up for intepretation, but I like to know some specifics so I can better understand and connect with the narrator. Anyways, I'm a big fan of ballads and metal ones are always good. With some reworking you could have a good one on your hands.

Crit mine please
The Xelabelax Hotline
#3
hey thank you man. The lyrics are meant for a loved one leaving the house and the chorus is actually the side of the person affected by the loved ones leaving...eg. death, war, or jst leaving them. the gambling image is supposed to be there....it is kind of a comparison to sadness and hate. You know what i mean...like bet everything you have in your anger or sadness. Yeah the another rainy night part was really cliche and i hope to change that. Thank you man for your critiquing....i thought no one would like my lyrics. They're not exactly person but from another persons point of view.

I will definitely check your song out.
WTMOTHERF! Make me a cow plz!
#4
There was a lot I liked in this piece. My favorite part would have to the lines: "Now i see your face and all I see is a stranger / And as I look into the mirror, I see my changes". I thought it flowed really well and it succintly captures what I feel the essence of this song is. So great job there. I also agree with themarsvolta that there is a lot of potential to expound upon the gambling metaphor. I think that especially with this topic, the gambling theme would suit it perfectly.

Now I don't have many things to suggest except for a few parts where I was confused. The first place would be with the first and second verses. Maybe I'm missing something but it seems like the narrator is back, but then leaves again. Then in the second verse, it seems like you're back with this person and you haven't even left at all. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I think that you should sort out how the narrator and the subject relate to each other. And if that relation changes, you need to let the reader know, instead of abruptly changing it. Hope that made some sense.

But other than that, I enjoyed this a lot. Good job!

Thanks for commenting on mine, by the way. I appreciate it.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
Hey thank you man...ill be sure to change it around.
WTMOTHERF! Make me a cow plz!