#1
you stand on the ledge,
toes hanging somewhere between the ground and sky.
you tell your self to not look down,
you might regret what you're about to do.

a crowd assembles.
they mumble your name
over and over.
they mumble your name,
a constant hum of failure

like a flightless bird, you begin your plunge.
the cracks in the street grow ever closer.
no regrets.
you know deep down that
not
a
soul
will miss you.

pucker up those bright red ***** lips,
kiss the concrete with the entirety of your skull.

no one even cringes
at the sound
of your snapping spine.

pause
for
applause.
Quote by apm505
That had the lyrical depth of a metallica ballad. Which also coincidentally has the lyrical depth of "The Wheels on the Bus"
#2
Surprisingly decent. When I realised what it was about I must say I approached it rather cynically, but it actually has some potential.
#4
Quote by michal23
When I realised what it was about I must say I approached it rather cynically, but it actually has some potential.


That's what i thought. It was pretty good, harsh but not in a bad way.
#5
Quote by muckypup
what are these words for?

these words are for me.
Quote by apm505
That had the lyrical depth of a metallica ballad. Which also coincidentally has the lyrical depth of "The Wheels on the Bus"
#6
"pause for applause"

brilliant!

=]


i enjoyed reading this.
as much as i could anyway.
haha.
dark.
i like it.
not something i would write.
but it was great...
very.


i'd love for you to take a look at mine "never say forever"

link in my sig.
if you dont want to, thats fine.
i didnt really give you a decent crit anyways..
#7
Quote by Vol=11
these words are for me.


you gained massive respect for that statement. I hate when people ask what is this for, what is the point? An honest writer writes for no body other than themselves, at least that's my belief.

overall the piece was simple, mainly in the aspects of imagery and story. I get that the whole jumping off a building can provide a great theme to use, but you could have orchestrated the words to better illustrate the suicide.
what I really liked though, was the end.
pause - for - applause, it provided a massive impact that the rest of the piece lacked.

overall, decent.
this one is for you.
#8
Quote by Ebshabutiee
you gained massive respect for that statement. I hate when people ask what is this for, what is the point? An honest writer writes for no body other than themselves, at least that's my belief.

overall the piece was simple, mainly in the aspects of imagery and story. I get that the whole jumping off a building can provide a great theme to use, but you could have orchestrated the words to better illustrate the suicide.
what I really liked though, was the end.
pause - for - applause, it provided a massive impact that the rest of the piece lacked.

overall, decent.


i appreciated this insight far more than the "brilliant!" crit that tony gave. thanks a lot.

i'll be coming back to this piece later for sure, it's definitely one of my poems that i'm more interested in and more driven to improve. i'll take what you said into consideration when i return to it.
Quote by apm505
That had the lyrical depth of a metallica ballad. Which also coincidentally has the lyrical depth of "The Wheels on the Bus"
#10
i can appreciate a compliment, so thanks, but when someone makes the effort to analyze something beyond their personal preferences in order to provide insight as to why they believe something is "brilliant" or not, i can appreciate that a lot more.
Quote by apm505
That had the lyrical depth of a metallica ballad. Which also coincidentally has the lyrical depth of "The Wheels on the Bus"
#12
there wasn't much to criticize without being totally honest and saying that i didn't really like the song that much. that line was a great line. i'm just not a fan of the whole "i'm gonna jump off a building and kill myself and no one is going to care at all" thing. i feel that none of this was really anything that anyone hasn't said before. except for that line. good job with that.
#13
if my ****ty metal band writes any more ****ty metal songs and our ****ty metal vocalist can't write any ****ty metal lyrics, we'll use this ****ty poem.
Quote by apm505
That had the lyrical depth of a metallica ballad. Which also coincidentally has the lyrical depth of "The Wheels on the Bus"
#15
Quote by TonyRandall
there wasn't much to criticize without being totally honest and saying that i didn't really like the song that much. that line was a great line. i'm just not a fan of the whole "i'm gonna jump off a building and kill myself and no one is going to care at all" thing. i feel that none of this was really anything that anyone hasn't said before. except for that line. good job with that.


when i write, i don't care if what i'm saying has already been said, i just care that what i'm saying is what i want to say. there's millions of love songs, they all say the same thing, and people enjoy them all the same.

and it's not "i'm gonna jump off a building and kill myself and no one is going to care at all", it's "she's gonna jump off a building and kill herself and no one is going to care at all", which i think says something much different.
Quote by apm505
That had the lyrical depth of a metallica ballad. Which also coincidentally has the lyrical depth of "The Wheels on the Bus"
Last edited by Vol=11 at Jul 8, 2009,
#16
Quote by muckypup
hey, calm down, they are good words dude.


haha i am calm, you asked if these words were going to be used along with a piece of music, and i told you the possibilities.
Quote by apm505
That had the lyrical depth of a metallica ballad. Which also coincidentally has the lyrical depth of "The Wheels on the Bus"
#17
Quote by Vol=11
when i write, i don't care if what i'm saying has already been said, i just care that what i'm saying is what i want to say. there's millions of love songs, they all the same thing, and people enjoy them all the same.

and it's not "i'm gonna jump off a building and kill myself and no one is going to care at all", it's "she's gonna jump off a building and kill herself and no one is going to care at all", which i think says something much different.

cool.
#18
Quote by TonyRandall
cool.


i'm guessing that you're just trying to be an asshole now.
Quote by apm505
That had the lyrical depth of a metallica ballad. Which also coincidentally has the lyrical depth of "The Wheels on the Bus"
#19
not at all.

when i write, i don't care if what i'm saying has already been said, i just care that what i'm saying is what i want to say. there's millions of love songs, they all the same thing, and people enjoy them all the same.


that makes sense.
i respect that.


this was a decent piece.
has alot of potential.
will be solid, especially with that last line.
good job.