#1
"Little girl, little girl, follow me into the dark.
I am the keeper of your hopes and dreams,
and only with me you will begin to see everything you can be."
All says the gray man with his piercing dark eyes.
He reaches out his hands,
leading the foolish and insecure down this shallow, beaten path.
Promising fulfillment and feelings of happiness and wonder.
Anything a young girl desires, all from his hypnotizing black eyes.
Little do they know, that once they tread down that path,
they surround themselves in a shroud they can barely see through.
and as soon as the dust clears, there's no way out.

I followed that path for quite some time now.
Convinced.
Fully.
This is what I want.
This is who I am.
You deserve this.
The gray man agreed, as he'd lay his hand on my shoulder,
while I'd hang my head.
Losing.
My.
****ing.
Mind.

Enough.
Crawling on my hands and knees, breathing shallow, I escaped the gray man.
He disappeared into the shadows of the path, never to be seen again.
I won.
Or so I thought.
Four months pass.
A whisper in my ear and a tug on my wrist.
"I've found you."
Relapse.
Dragged down into the dirt, the cloud grows again.
Surrounding. Controlling.
Goodbye?
no.
This time there's a light at the end of the tunnel,
coming to pull me out of this storm.
The white knight has come,
lantern in his hand,
and picks up this fallen maiden and carries her out of the dark.
Never looking back, trudging on forward.
I'm finally free from the gray man's torments.



Kinda just wrote this recently. I'm new to the forums, so first post. wooo.
If I don't meet you no more in this world, I'll meet you in the next one and dont be late.

JWU Baking and Pastry '13
#2
'This time there's a light at the end of the tunnel,
coming to pull me out of this storm.
The white knight has come, '
each of these lines was a cliche and they really put me off, I was getting into the rhythm and idea of it a lot and then this came. If you feel the idea behind this purely, you can come up with something more intense.
I think the last line is a very boring way of saying what you want; you're saying something that you've built up to as being exciting, yet you're saying it like it's in a textbook or something.

Otherwise, I really enjoyed this. Welcome to the forums
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
Little girl, little girl, follow me into the dark.



So this guy was a pedophile, amiritefolks?

Better than Jesus, Megatron and T-Rex combined.

-
(. Y .)(. Y .)
- ) . ( - ) . (
- \ v / - \ v /


This ^ is why I'm right.
Last edited by Tea Cup at Jul 8, 2009,
#4
Quote by Tea Cup
So this guy was a pedophile, amiritefolks?



aha good thought but not really P.
The gray man acts as a symbol for a problem or almost like a voice thats bearing down on me.
hence why he's always lurking basically in the background and hes drawing in.
If I don't meet you no more in this world, I'll meet you in the next one and dont be late.

JWU Baking and Pastry '13
#5
Quote by Neopolitain
aha good thought but not really P.
The gray man acts as a symbol for a problem or almost like a voice thats bearing down on me.
hence why he's always lurking basically in the background and hes drawing in.

Yea i was thinking it was about drugs, though the knight/maiden thing sort of threw that off. I agree with digupherbones about the cliche phrases/ideas you used - definitely go for something fresh

The last three lines of the first section seem a bit long-winded, especially compared to the rest. Your 'escape' at first is very, very sudden when contrasted with how ominous the whole thing sounded, and when you say "He disappeared into the shadows of the path, never to be seen again" we sort of think he's gone - because you said he is. Then, no, WHAM he's back, which I think is a bit lame. You're saying this after the fact, so why say he's gone forever if he comes back into the picture in like two lines?

Anyway, it's a neat piece, though i think if it was about something more specific, not just 'a problem' then it would improve. Hope you like it here though keep writing!

Iain
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#6
I really like this. I thought you painted some very interesting and vivid images, especially in the first stanza and it created this dark, sinister tone which was great. However, I agree with some other people here that I think you escaped the "gray man" too fast and that he returned too abruptly. I think there should maybe some sort of clues as to why he's back, or why you've decided/how you were able to escape him. Just a thought.

Other than that, I really liked it and I thought the metaphor of the "gray man" was executing very well. Good job!

Thanks for commenting on mine, by the way
here, My Dear, here it is