#1
Second proper but first "heavy" song I've written. Constructive criticism please, but rip and burn to your hearts content, it can only get better

Chorus:
This is the Maelstrom, yeah
This is the storm
Her voice strikes
Like lightning
I beg forgive me
I was wrong

This is the Maelstrom, yeah
This is the storm
What can I say?
To calm her fury
For love’s life
I’m holding on

Verse 1:
Her words were
Softly spoken
Her emerald eyes
Just said it all
That sincere tone
And razor tongue
Cut me down
So I felt small

That pretty placid face
Betrayed no emotion
Those set lips
Revealed no pain
She asked if
I could change this
And then it
Began to rain

Chorus


Verse 2:
I held her close
And held my tongue
Words could not
Help me this time
As she cried
For answers
In my shoulder
And the fault
Was all mine

She gazed at me
In tired disbelief
She was quiet
And teary-eyed
And with my
Apologies
And promises
Didn’t believe in
A turning tide

Chorus.

Breakdown (Instrumental/solo):
And then the thunder…

Chorus

I beg forgive me
I was wrong.
#3
Thank you. Ah, it was getting late last night and I was tired but eager to get the song up so I really didn't mean 'rip and burn' in the sense of putting it to MP3 or whatever more just be as brutal with the criticism as you liked. Simply because I haven't recorded it yet. Sorry to disapoint but when my band get down to recording it, I'll put it back up somewhere.
#4
Quote by Zzzonked
Second proper but first "heavy" song I've written. Constructive criticism please, but rip and burn to your hearts content, it can only get better

Chorus:
This is the Maelstrom, yeah
This is the storm
Her voice strikes
Like lightning
I beg forgive me
-This either needs to be changed to forgivness or I beg, "Forgive Me!"
I was wrong
-Not a fan of this line. Feels really weak with the power you give every other line in the stanza

This is the Maelstrom, yeah
This is the storm
What can I say?
-Poor placement of quetion marked, belongs at end of next line
To calm her fury
-You could take out her and replace it with a strong adjective her, as you've already conveyed where the fury would come from
For love’s life
I’m holding on
-Nothing major in the last two lines, you could try something with a little more umph like "I won't release my grip" or if it sounds good sung, leave it It's all good

Verse 1:
Her words were
Softly spoken
Her emerald eyes
Just said it all
-Not feeling softly spoken when you say her eyes can do all the talking. I try not to impose my own lines often but this is how i'd take this stanza:
Her words were
Lost in the waves
Her emerald eyes
Said more then enough

That sincere tone
And razor tongue
Cut me down
So I felt small
-I'd put so later in the line, and make it more connecting like: Man I felt so small

That pretty placid face
Betrayed no emotion
Those set lips
-Set is kind of plain here, needs an adjective here to support it
Revealed no pain
-Sorry, i'm going to imposse my own lines. I can relate to your song really well I guess, which is a good thing
She asked me if
I could changes things
As if in answer
It started to rain

She asked if
I could change this
And then it
Began to rain

Chorus


Verse 2:
I held her close
-Double held doesn't flow well, i'd remove the one above because its easier to replace
And held my tongue
Words could not
- could and help aren't as smooth would and save IMO
Help me this time
As she cried
For answers
In my shoulder
And the fault
Was all mine
-Great lines, i like how you avoid "on my shoulder" sounds a lot better

She gazed at me
In tired disbelief
She was quiet
And teary-eyed
And with my
Apologies
And promises
-Oi, lots of ands here. I'd replace the first with gazing and the rest is actually fine.
Didn’t believe in
-I can't actually tell where this is coming from. Is it "she", "I" or "we" ?
A turning tide

Chorus.

Breakdown (Instrumental/solo):
And then the thunder…

Chorus

I beg forgive me
I was wrong.
-The line works a million times down here, it is its own flow. Surprsingly strong ending for what it is. Maybe the isn't so bad as it first read


I kinda went all hitler on your piece, sorry bout that. Like i said before, i could really put myself in the piece, which is good. Great work, hope recording goes well, i'd sure love to hear it! check out my work if you ever fancy a weird read I wnat to hear this song