#1
Hey all, been forever since i posted here. For once, I actually have some material on the drawing board, and i'm actually pleased with some of it. This is not one of those pieces. I literally just wrote it from start to finnish, no pauses, no ideas, no direction, no intent. The rhyme sceme is odd, and may annoy some, so i appologize in advanced. Feel free to comment and crit, and i'll try and get yours too. Was really fun to write so i don't care if you say you hate it This isn't how i usually write, but whatever works. The italics is a line not actually included, but it if were to make it a song, would echo in the background in the transition... or something

I need something to reset the mood
With everything I plan to do interrupted
Blind souls worlds away say fate
Hollowed in this chair I say falsehood
My failures as a man won't reach intent ears
If I give in to these distractions til death
Like an ant prone, to serve as a drone
I’ll shut my sense to survive a few more years

Early birds saught by the hunter's impatience
Sequestering their bodies ignites his eyes crimson
His daughter knows not of his stress reliever
Sheltered, she will grow tenfold of the abandoned
Oh she will grow tenfold of what I know
So why exert the little air I have within
For purposes of arguement and conversation
When I can’t be burned without oxygen
So ask me to justify this tiresome breath

They all lived happily ever after
And heard the bells let freedom ring
Courteous disguises of cancer and silence
Are only as good as the misconception they bring
This can’t be a beginning with death in full bloom
But to consider it an end would be aimless
So there must be time to spend in idle
Opportunities of futures my distractions outweigh
And there must be a past I don’t recall
Fears of bad memories will help keep it that way
How easily my mind is distracted
Clutching at my fleeting thoughts as they pass
A product without a function
Who’s clearly outgrown a flawed design
Putting my crippled foot forward
To reclaim the forward momentum i left behind

Oh what happened to my time?
My crimson eyes scower the reflection
Any familiarities are overlooked
Distracted eternally for my own protection
I shall defy the time that has misshapen me
Reverse the clock, flip back the pages
Hope that the current I fight will grow bored
And let me swim freely to my youth
Hope that hope is enough to create action
Only my subconscious will know the truth
Trains of thought wrecked beyond repair
Distractions ever encompass my weary eyes
The radiant coloring has long since dimmed
To a shade more economical for my time
Fated to indulge only in that which I can take
Talk may be cheap, but I can’t spare a dime
Last edited by NinthDetour at Jul 10, 2009,
#2
Quote by NinthDetour


I need something to reset the mood
With everything I plan to do interrupted
Blind souls worlds away say fate
Hollowed in this chair I say falsehood
My failures as a man won't reach intent ears
If I give in to these distraction til death
Like an ant prone, to serve as a drone
I’ll shut my sense to survive a few more years

---good solid start. wish i could say something more. i liked it. makes me want to read on. good job.

Early birds are saught by hunter’s impatience "...by a hunter's impatience" maybe??
Taking their lives ignites his eyes crimson
His daughter knows not of his secret sins
Sheltered, she will grow tenfold of the abandoned
Oh she will grow tenfold of what I know
So why exert the little air I have within
For purposes of arguement and conversation
When I can’t be burned without oxygen ---BRILLIANT LINE! =]
So ask me to justify this tiresome breath

i really liked this stanza too, for some reason. the rhyme scheme in this whole piece kinda works. and i dont know why. something tells me i it shouldnt. but it totally does. i'm trying to find something bad to say. but i cant. this really is coming along rather well. for an OTS piece, it is amazing. great job.

They all lived happily ever after
And heard the bells let freedom ring
Courteous disguises of cancer and silence
Are only as good as the misconception they bring--- great 4 lines. wow.
This can’t be a beginning with death in full bloom
But to consider it an end would be aimless---this stanza is already the best one in the whole piece. because of these six lines. if the rest were to suck i'd still be totally satisfied with this. great job!
So there must be time to spend in idle
Opportunities of futures my distractions outweigh
And there must be a past I don’t recall
Fears of bad memories will help keep it that way
How easily my mind is distracted
Clutching at my fleeting thoughts as they pass
A product without a function
Who’s clearly outgrown a flawed design
Putting my crippled foot forward
To reclaim the forward momment i left behind

---good. i have no corrections. besides spelling on "moment" on the last nine. great job here.

Oh what happened to my time?
My crimson eyes scower the reflection
Any familiarities are overlooked
Distracted eternally for my own protection
I shall defy the time that has misshapen me
Reverse the clock, flip back the pages
Hope that the current I fight will grow bored
And let me swim freely to my youth-----this line and the line above are great. =]
Hope that hope is enough to create action
Only my subconscious will know the truth
Trains of thought wrecked in the dozens--- good!
Distractions ever encompass my weary eyes
The radiant coloring has long since dimmed
To a shade more economical for my time
Fated to indulge only in that which I can take
Talk may be cheap, but I can’t spare a dime

---great last line!




wow. sorry for the uselessness of my post.
but i honestly loved this.
it was a great read and easy to get through.
i had no complaints whatsoever.
you wrote all of this on the spot?
that's incredible.

good job.
9/10...


i'm sure someone will have some more helpful things to say.
i cant find anything wrong with this.


thanks for your crit on mine! =]
#5
[quote="I need something to reset the mood
With everything I plan to do interrupted
Blind souls worlds away say fate
Hollowed in this chair I say falsehood
My failures as a man won't reach intent ears
If I give in to these distraction til death
maybe distractions would sound better here
Like an ant prone, to serve as a drone
I’ll shut my sense to survive a few more years

Early birds are saught by the hunter's impatience
Small thing is spelling on sought.
Taking their lives ignites his eyes crimson
Perhaps "taking their lives ignites his crimson eyes" would sound better as it creates half rhyme with "lives and eyes"
His daughter knows not of his secret sins
Sheltered, she will grow tenfold of the abandoned
Oh she will grow tenfold of what I know
So why exert the little air I have within
For purposes of arguement and conversation
When I can’t be burned without oxygen
So ask me to justify this tiresome breath



Overall some great lines and rhymes in there. Its somewhat long, and while I forgot what you were saying in the first verse by the time I got to the third verse, it doesn't seem dull with it's length.
Last edited by RichRman at Jul 9, 2009,
#6
Dude! ****ing brilliant..long tho but that helped build it very very good. i loved the last line. Hey dude would you mind critiquing mine? its called Paralyzed by Choice
WTMOTHERF! Make me a cow plz!
#7
Tony: my inbox was still empty.

RichRman: It's cool. I only understood what i was saying after reading it like 5 times

r2z: Sure, and thanks.

I also went through, correcting a few spelling mistakes, and some things that just didn't sit well with me. First run of edits done, yay ^_^ Time to not have writers block on every other piece. Ugh, i hating the word taking in the second line second stanza. HATE! Stupid neccisary word.
Last edited by NinthDetour at Jul 9, 2009,
#8
Early birds saught by the hunter's impatience
Sequestering their bodies ignites his eyes crimson
His daughter knows not of his stress reliever
Sheltered, she will grow tenfold of the abandoned
Oh she will grow tenfold of what I know
So why exert the little air I have within
For purposes of arguement and conversation
When I can’t be burned without oxygen
So ask me to justify this tiresome breath
I understand this is as much free-form as it is structured so take this point with a pinch of salt. In Stanza 1, you put 'Ears with 'Years,' which gave it a sense of closure. So maybe change 'Within' to 'Kept' or 'Left' to keep the same flow? Exceptionally nit-picky point there, sorry.


Exceptional my friend, I must have read through it 3 or 4 times (the first couple just to get my head around it but IMO, poems that you can understand on the first time through are often not very good) and really can't find anything wrong with it so it was pretty worthless me quoting the entire the thing.

Really enjoyed the topic of this one, the use of metaphor and of course (the money-maker) the ending. Really well done and thanks for criting mine, it was incredibly helpful.
#9
^Thanks! The one thing I found in the rhmye scheme is that crimson is a half rhmye with abadoned, and within is the rhyme with oxygen. I realize ikinda changed it out of the blue, but its how my mind was working at the time xD and breath really is an additional line, that i want to take out...but can't seem to actually do xD