#1
Are you tired of being beaten by your brothers?
Are you done with being stabbed by your friends?
Come on and take this gun
And give the kids a show
Cause if you don't love em
Then who's it gonna be?
The creepy old man,
Or the killer down the street?
And when will you realize,
That no one cares what you think?
You either fight or surrender
There's no in between
So you can put em in the ground
Or they can put you in a cage
So ready your army
Cause its judgement day
So tell em to bring it on
Tell em to bring their guns
We're gonna blot out the sun
With all their blood
So call up the firing squad in the backseat
And give the crowd a special treat
This is the one show
That really can't be beat
When will you realize,
That no one cares what you think?
You either fight or surrender
There's no in between
Stand by your fortress
Through the waves of dead
There must only be one standing
At the end of the day
Now you can claim there land
And you can take their wives
But it won't matter
You'll still feel empty inside
You either fight or surrender
There's no in between
There's no escape from the pain that you feel


critique plz =]
Last edited by Harrisfun at Jul 9, 2009,
#4
To start off, out of personal preference, don't use the phrase 'baby'. It's not only cliche, but it changes the powerful tone of a poem to some sloppy r'n'b song.
Aside from that,
this was decent.
The theme/story was very present. But truthfully it lacks imagery, with poetry, whether its for yourself or you want to impact the people reading it, you need strong wording, and literary elements to leave that impact.
meh, not much of a critique, but this doesn't need changing, its the general technique that could be approved.
hope it helps.
this one is for you.
Last edited by Ebshabutiee at Jul 8, 2009,
#6
Quote by Harrisfun
Are you tired of being beaten by your brothers?
Are you done with being stabbed by your friends?
-First two lines are a little clunky and hard to flow, but overall provide a nice intro.
Come on and take this gun
And give the kids a show
-And is rather repetitive. Let's would probably work better here
Cause if you don't love em
Then who's it gonna be?
The creepy old man,
Or the killer down the street?
-Not sure where this ties in
And when will you realize,
That no one cares what you think?
-I don't know the flow you are going for, but "that" can be easily taken out
You either fight or surrender
There's no in between
So you can put em in the ground
Or they can put you in a cage
-Strong chorusy thing, i enjoy it. "Can" doesn't have the same feel in the second line though. Conveying the possibility isn't as strong as conveying the action.
So ready your army
Cause its judgement day
So tell em to bring it on
Tell em to bring their guns
-Guns may be a little overused, but the rest is good
We're gonna blot out the sun
With all their blood
So call up the firing squad in the backseat
And give the crowd a special treat
This is the one show
That really can't be beat
When will you realize,
That no one cares what you think?
You either fight or surrender
There's no in between
Stand by your fortress
Through the waves of dead
There must only be one standing
-This line really just wrecks the flow for me
At the end of the day
Now you can claim there land
And you can take their wives
But it won't matter
You'll still feel empty inside
-Something about "You'll" sounds off, but that could just be me
You either fight or surrender
There's no in between
There's no escape from the pain that you feel
-The ending isn't as strong as it could be


critique plz =]


there's my bit by bit breakdown. The "you claim their land and wives' section felt like it was written by a different writer then the rest of the song, lacking a certain voice you get, but maybe you were going for a different voice at the end. An enjoyable piece. Crit mine if you get a chance (link in my sig)?