#2
I liked a lot of the individual images (Vietnam stuck out as particularly awesome); but I can't help but feel that this on the whole had soooo much going on that it struck blows at the whole. Losing the forest for the trees, one might say. There was just so much description going on; and it wasn't liquid enough to just melt down the page and blend image with image until I was watching a painting in motion instead of frames of ideas. The lack of transcendence between ideas made this just drag for me. Took me 4 tries to read it straight down the page without just getting so lost and sidetracked in your words that I lost enjoyment.

You have a talent... you paint vivid scenes in wonderous ways. However, the only time I can really feel, enjoy, and live your pieces are the times where you step away from the details in each picture and connect them together. Like watching an artist getting so hung up on one eyelash that he can't finish the rest of hte picture... even though the eyelash is almost unnoticable if no one points it out. That type of thing.

I have genuinely enjoyed a lot of your work; but this one just doesn't do it. Which is a shame because I loved your title.


Cheesecake in sig, if you feel inclined.
#3
I have to agree with Zach in that it fel like you were really just trying to crowd too much in. Everything is brilliant, but it's like being gangbanged by a whole city, it's just too many poles, not enough holes. This should have been amazing, but instead it was just too much.
#4
in all honesty, in previous pieces where I have gotten the same feedback I've completely understood what the person was talking about. With this one it is difficult to pinpoint, it surely can't be the whole piece that is overdoing it, it is all on the same damn subject and story. Kyle could you do me a favor and see if you can narrow down some parts that are really just 'too much'.
this one is for you.
#5
Quote by Ebshabutiee
With this one it is difficult to pinpoint, it surely can't be the whole piece that is overdoing it, it is all on the same damn subject and story. Kyle could you do me a favor and see if you can narrow down some parts that are really just 'too much'.


I'm not Kyle, but may I point something out.

I had no idea this was all the same subject. There are so many words and descriptors and adjective and adverbs and Aunt Suzie's just flying around in there... that I couldn't even latch into the story.

It's like pointillism. Every dot is working toward the same goal... but if I get stuck focusing on one dot... I can't see the picture anymore. Your writing FORCES me to look at one dot. To just stare and stare and stare. Each image you bring up, you shove my nose in it and scream, "ABSORB EVERY GOD-DAMN NANOMETER OF THIS DOT." I get so caught up in each image... that the tie between the images doesn't matter anymore; because by the time I get through reading that image I have no idea what the image before it was telling me.

In short, it is the whole thing. It's your approach to writing this. If I knew the backstory, maybe I'd have less trouble seeing it... but even after a half-dozen reads, I'm still struggling to find the subject; I'm still struggling to find your narrative.
#6
I thought this was an intense read. I can see how the above say theres alot of bunched up images but I felt it was right on track. I think that it is better bunched up and chaotic for thats how war is. This was a real work of art i thoroughly enjoyed, but who knows maybe I interpretted the whole thing wrong. *Shrugs*
Outside the side box that's outside your sky box.
#7
As was said before really intense and vivid. I didn't like the use of "hypovolemia" in the second verse, because being fairly suitable in the context, its length and obscurity made it a complete show-stopper.

Also in the second verse you use "I feel" alot which becomes a little monotonous, especially when used with "the way". It might help that verse to seem a bit more fluid if you found a way to blend the images.

In the third verse the line reads "my energy repels down into the finite chasm". I'm not sure "repels" is the most fitting verb here as the line doesnt make sense with it.

Finally the last verse flows brilliantly, I particularly liked the list of different places.

If you wanna crit something, Black'n'Blue is brand new.