#1
Verse 1
I struggle to create metaphors
With four paws and a tail
I could have a best friend
Who I wouldn’t understand
But it wouldn’t matter anyway
He wouldn't get me all the same

Chorus/Bridge
The end of world is nigh
Says the bold black print
On the front of the paper
Penniless now to the goodbye
I’m waiting on the inevitable
Compression of the universe
I’ll sit tight ‘til the lights go out

Alternate Chorus?
Penniless now to the goodbye
Says the bold black print
I'll have it with a salted fingertip
While waiting on the inevitable
Compression of the universe
I'll sit tight 'til the lights go out

Verse 2
I thought of sketchin’ a picture
But could never learn to draw
I’m seein’ a rainbow oil slick
Smeared across the night sky
But it wouldn’t matter anyway
You wouldn’t see it in the dark

Chorus

Verse 3
Inside my head I hear rhythms
Made on tired pots and pans
Still crusted by last nights burnt stew
The din of dissonance supreme
But it wouldn’t matter anyway
It wouldn’t last on the final dash

Chorus

This was literally written in the last 15 minutes and was put to a chord progression I've had for the last couple of days. There's no punctuation because I was litterally too going so fast I didnt bother. I'm thinking its a bit bleak but I havent agonised over it yet. Opinions and thoughts are of course appreciated.

Made some changes based on Ninth Detours crit.
Last edited by RichRman at Jul 10, 2009,
#2
Quote by RichRman
Verse 1
I struggle to create metaphors
-Is this part of the song? It seems out of place with the rest of the stanza
With four paws and a tail
I could have a best friend
Who I wouldnt understand
But it wouldn’t matter anyway
cos he wouldn't get me all the same
-Cos? wouldn't is a little heavy ridden, but the over delivery is nice.

Chorus/Bridge
The end of world is nigh
Says the bold black print
On the front of the paper
Penniless now to the goodbye
- I really like this line
Now I’m waiting on the inevitable
-Now doesn't flow of the last line well to me
Compression of the universe
I’ll wait until the lights go out
-Again, wait is hindered by its previous use in the stanza

Chorus

Verse 2
I thought of sketchin’ a picture
But could never learn to draw
I’m seein’ a rainbow oil slick
Smeared across the night sky
But it wouldn’t matter anyway
Cos you wouldn’t see it in the dark
-Still can't stand cos >.< Everything else in this section is awesome

Chorus

Verse 3
Inside my head I hear rhythms
Made on my pots and pans
-Ohhh, my is so weak hear. I'd suggets rusted, but the use of crusted in the next line would make it distatsteful...maybe change crusted to blackened?
Still crusted by last nights burnt stew
The din of dissonance supreme
But it doesnt’t matter anyway
Cos it wouldn’t last on the final dash
- there is no cause to justify cos >: O the rest, i like

This was literally written in the last 15 minutes and was put to a chord progression I've had for the last couple of days. There's no punctuation because I was litterally too going so fast I didnt bother. I'm thinking its a bit bleak but I havent agonised over it yet. Opinions and thoughts are of course appreciated.


Overall, it was a nice flowing piece. Other then that darn cos. hated that xD I know how it feels to just flow words out too fast to keep up with them You should check out my piece, its O.T.S. too. Hope it sounds as good to music as it does reading!
#3
This piece was nice.
I think it could come together as a song and sound wonderful. In particular my favorite part is verse two, the flow is just amazing. I don't really like the chorus how ever. Lines like 'the end of the world is nigh' are weak, really played out.
this one is for you.
#4
I decided to cut down the chorus, and label it as "Alternate Chorus?". I left out some things which are implied or said more than once. I'd just like to take the opportunity to thank crits so far.