#1
You always loved it
You never left that
Dealers have always been your best friends
and **** has always been in your life

You had millions loving you
Now you're just paralyzed
by choice
You wanted an answer but it was
whispered too late

You left the key in the door last night
'cause all you could think about was the pipe
You're lost in your self destruct and you
got what you didn't think you'd deserve

You had friends to love you
But you loved her golden eyes
You wanted their love and got it
But look at you now, you've drowned
in self-disgust

Guilty in your secrets, sacrificing love in lies
It was just a matter of time before you die

Never again
(You always will)
Be with you
(you'll love me still)
I wanna live
(I'll get you killed)
I hate you
(but you love me still)

I got inspired to write this while i was reading the dirt(motley crue biography) and listening to some judas priest...yeah weird. the lyrics are basically based on Nikki Sixx's extreme heroin addiction in the mid-80s. These are my second set of lyrics...plz give me some feedback.
WTMOTHERF! Make me a cow plz!
Last edited by rhyme2zone at Jul 9, 2009,
#2
My first impression is that you definitely overused the word "you/your" in this piece. I think I counted about 27 in as many lines.

It was the only task I would undertake...

I P R O G
...to reap the harvest that was mine


- [ P R O G - H E A D ? ] -
#3
Got to agree with MetalGoose, lots of yous. And its really a hard piece to read because of it. Some weird words and phrases like "self destruct" "sacrificing love in lies" "didn't think you'd deserve" messed with the flow to me. Overall, not that bad, but use less singular ownership and really try and make that ending something. As of now its got some repeating cliches, but one of the most diverse structures. You can pretty much fitting anything their (just keep the general theme highlighted).
#4
Quote by NinthDetour
Got to agree with MetalGoose

MetalGoose?

I never noticed it until now, but with a quick glance, my name does sort of look like MetalGoose. Thanks a lot, now that's all I'll think about when I see my own name.

It was the only task I would undertake...

I P R O G
...to reap the harvest that was mine


- [ P R O G - H E A D ? ] -
#6
Quote by NinthDetour
^Technically i thought it was metalgeese, but it would be weird to title you plurally.

It's actually a shortened Metal Gear Solid 3 Snake Eater.

It was the only task I would undertake...

I P R O G
...to reap the harvest that was mine


- [ P R O G - H E A D ? ] -