#1
This was homework for English Extension, and since I wasn't there to receive any feedback, I thought I'd bring it here.


Cyanosis


I’d seen that type of blue before. It was vivid, electric. Yeah, that’s a good word for it; electric. The boy must have felt quite electric, like a thousand bolts of it were being pumped around his body, smashing his neurons and all that junk, cos it was everywhere. Stupid boy said my Daddy didn’t love me so I made one of those rings around his neck like you see on dogs or cats. I looked again and the blue was paler, like my favourite ice-cream flavour, and the boy’s eyes were white. I called them a snowman, because in the middle they looked like a big piece of coal. ....

.. ..

I like colours, and words. There are so many words to describe colours, and each colour can describe so many things, I use them together all the time. It’s so fun. So when the policeman asked me to describe what the boy looked like, it was easy for me to remember. Autumn-leaf hair, mud coloured shoes, school bag like a big ball of green moss.

The policeman wrote all this down. His nails had dirt under them, and were bitten to the wick, so that the side of his pointer was bleeding. That made me think of something else. The boys’ shirt was weird; must’ve been one of those designer clothes from ....Europe.... or someplace. It was blue like his eyes used to be, with little speckles of red near the neck. Almost like the policeman had wiped his hand on him. “Have my blood, you look like you’ve got none left” he must’ve said to him. Goodwill and whatnot.....

.. ..

The opposite of red is blue. Did you know that? Everything has an opposite. His shirt was red and blue, but his skin was white and blue, which I thought must have been from a bruise. Boys here always get bruises from rugby and junk. I told the policeman about his skin. Bubblegum ice-cream I said. All over, like the snowman was made out of a big scoop of it. I smiled when I said this.


That’s a cool link isn’t it? I thought so. But the copper looked at me strange. Bubblegum, he said, not vanilla or dreamy cream? I told him that bubblegum’s my favourite flavour, that it tastes the best and looks way cooler than mint or something. Mint looks like boogers. Bubblegum looks like an alien bomb, like those sticky ones from Halo. So I know what it looks like.....

.. ..

I looked at the policeman’s badge and read the name; Jack. Jack the Ripper, Jack Black, Jack jumped over the candlestick. All Jacks are funny. I looked up at Jacks face to ask him for a joke, since I’d just answered all his questions, but I didn’t open my mouth because he was looking at me funny again. The phone on the wall looked like a curled up black slug and it shook and squealed so that the copper took it and talked to it. It must’ve said something to him cos he made another funny face, like those clown heads that spin everywhere at a circus.....

.. ..

I licked my lips ‘cos they felt funny too. Everything’s linked see. Funny Jacks, funny jokes, funny faces, funny feelings. Everything’s linked. My tongue felt funny, it felt like I just dipped it into a drink, like Fanta or some junk. I smiled then. I like Fanta. So I kept on licking my lips. Drink it all up, every last drop. Jack put down the slug and lost his funny face and bent over. I heard him vomit. Vomit, custard, yellow, the colour of divinity. I looked over to see it, and a hand grabbed my own, and I screamed because it was too tight. Jack kept vomiting, and the hand pulled me off of the grey chair I was sitting on and away out of the room. I saw a fridge with Fanta cans and Coca Cola and Lemonade cans, which made me think of something else so I started licking again. I saw more Jacks rush into the room. They all looked from me to the Jack on the floor, then back to me. I didn’t smile this time. Smiling didn’t seem like the right thing to do. So I wiped my lips, and saw the back of my hand turn red. ....

.. ..

.. ..

That reminded me of something else. Disgustipated. It’s a good song. Apparently it’s about mocking religious sheep, or something, and it has this big chanted mantra about the cycle of life and then cricket noises (crickets are green and brown by the way), and then when you’re just about to fall asleep this guy starts speaking really quietly.

Tool likes to make fun of society and their need to know everything, so they told their fans the man speaking was a crazy landlord ringing the singer about overdue rent. He was going on about a car crash, and how he looked at the blue sky and blue became his colour, then at his hands and red became his colour, and then at the grass, so green was his colour too. That’s like now. But I don’t know why my hand became red, because my mouth is pink, like a snake lolly or a sea shell. Nice things.....

.. ..

I asked the Jack holding my hand why my other hand was red, but he ignored me, put his hand over his mouth and swallowed something and sat me on another chair, black this time, then let go of my hand and closed a door. ....

.. ..

I’m in a very small room, grey like a piece of rock, and there’s a tiny lamp like a glow-worm or something in the roof. It’s yellow, but this one isn’t a divine yellow, it’s more like a pee yellow. I laugh at that. Yellow and blue make green, did you know. But I’m glad that bubblegum isn’t yellow. If it was it’d make bubblegum ice-cream green, and I’d be eating boogers all the time. I had bubblegum ice-cream today you know? It was different though. It must have been a new type; blue-strawberry burst bubble-gum flavour or some junk.

The bubblegum snowman was made out of that new flavour. I didn’t want to eat him because he was melting; there was the strawberry junk melting off the top of him, in the dip between the scoops. But I couldn’t resist, and I bit just a little bit, and the strawberry burst everywhere and dripped down onto his fake shirt neck. It tasted funny, so I went and told someone that the new flavour isn’t nice. I guess the Jacks don’t like strawberry; that must be why he vomited when I licked it off my lips earlier, why they pulled me into this room.....

.. ..

People are funny like that.....
#2
Sorry, but I didn't read it...
But in all fairness, you lied...
'Twas not short at all.
#3
It's 1070 words. That's a very short story.
Last edited by greatwhiteone at Jul 10, 2009,
#4
Quote by greatwhiteone
It's a very short story.

In print yes... on UG... no

Remember that we have the collective attention of a horse-fly
#5
Quote by greatwhiteone
Does that matter? It is still a short story. Does this really deserve an argument?


I didn't think that it was an argument... did you?

edit... ok give me a few... I"ll read it.
#6
I'll give you an honest answer. It's a bit juvenile, but then I noticed that you're still in your teens.... not too bad, but it seems as though you are sometimes straining to create alliteration. My honest opinion is that you were trying too hard to seem "artsy". You have quite a bit of talent though.... sometimes it pays to keep it simple.

I do not mean to offend... please forgive me if it seems that way. I'm just one guy with one opinion.
#7
Thanks, I don't want anything less than honesty.

I'm 16, and the only writing technique or whatever I know is a verb! So I didn't try and create alliteration, or to be artsy, although I despise unoriginality. The long sentences were a deliberate attempt to emulate the mind of a child and were an experiment in a new way of general writing, but other than that I didn't strive for anything with this piece.

Thanks
Last edited by greatwhiteone at Jul 10, 2009,
#8
Quote by greatwhiteone
Thanks, I don't want anything less than honesty.

I'm 16, and the only writing technique or whatever I know is a verb! So I didn't try and create alliteration, or to be artsy, although I despise unoriginality. The long sentences were a deliberate attempt to emulate the mind of a child, other than that I didn't strive for anything with this piece.

Thanks


It wasn't so much the long sentences, but rather how they were overly descript. Sometimes painfully so. When used properly it's very powerful, but you have to be careful or else your writing will wind up with a picture of Fabio on the cover.

I'm not a writer, but it's a fine line between painting a picture and forcing it on your audience. I've never been able to master this.... which is why I'm not a writer.

I liked it though.
#9
Ok, although that's sorta what I was aiming for; he's a bit whack, he's young, he likes using colours to describe things, they all sorta worked together (at least I hoped!).

But I see your point.
#10
Perhaps I missed it.
It wouldn’t surprise me at all since I miss quite a bit.
Although I don't like Catcher in the Rye much, I did like the way that Holden's lines were written... seemed honest with just a bit of pissed.
#12
Quote by greatwhiteone
I don't read at all, so... :P


Check it out... teenage angst with a twist. As I said, I didn't like the book much but there are some gems in there that anyone can relate to.