#1
Here are some new lyrics I wrote. They're definitely still a work-in-progress so I'd appreciate any thoughts/constructive criticisms that you may have. And of course, if you leave links, I'll return the favor.


Why Is Motel 6 Afraid of 7?


inside this poorly lit room
reading the Bible you left in the drawer
and i'm skipping straight to Luke
wondering who owes the other more

ripped the phone out of the jack
then skimmed through the guide to look for repair
don't wanna fix it too fast
How does it feel to have no one there?


CHORUS:
Freeway motel friend,
Tell me just when my stay will end
The darkened "Vacancy" sign
sheds light on your empty life
It was only for a night
Oh, my freeway motel friend


i wrote my name on the wall
so you would have no excuse in the end
when everything starts to fall
there will be nothing left to defend

here comes the dirty daybreak
your rapping on the door tells me to leave
you're a martyr for your own sake
I've no desire to watch as you bleed


CHORUS:
Freeway motel friend,
Tell me just when my stay will end
The darkened "Vacancy" sign
sheds light on your empty life
It was only for a night
Oh, my freeway motel friend


the wallpaper is peeling
exposing what's underneath
don't worry, friend,
that floral design looked far too cheap

in my dreams, i have been reading your mind
with the help of the television glow
you fidget and squirm every time
the thought of me won't let you go


CHORUS:
Freeway motel friend,
Tell me just when my stay will end
The darkened "Vacancy" sign
sheds light on your empty life
It was only for a night
Oh, my freeway motel friend
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Jul 15, 2009,
#2
ripped the phone out of the jack
then skimmed through the guide to look for repair
don't wanna fix it too fast
How does it feel to have no one there?

This is an example of pure, human error [to me]. I appreciate the attention to detail. Ripping the phone line out of the wall only to fumble through the yellow pages to find someone to repair the damn thing. Irony at it's finest...

I thought that the whole piece was very well written, but this part in particular was what hit me in the face and said "Yeah! You like that!?"

/bravo 10 out of 10
#3
in my dreams, i have been reading your mind
in my nightmares, i left you behind

that first line that you wrote could go so well with so many things
#4
This was really rather good. I have no complaints about any of the verses, but I thought the chorus was pretty weak, especially the first line. To me, it just doesn't really say anything. Trumpets and choirs and singing and a motel friend? The verses, however, were quite brilliant.

EDIT: Also, I'm kinda confused about what the title means.
Last edited by kdownes at Jul 11, 2009,
#5
Thanks for the kind words everyone. I appreciate them. As for the chorus, I was basically comparing this person to a motel in the sense that they were transient, temporary, not in it for the long haul, etc. And then all the trumpets and choir stuff was mainly just music/singing imagery since I wrote "Sing your song..."

That was my thought process. Looking back on it, I probably could've found better images to tie everything in. I'll brainstorm some more on it. Thanks for the critique.

And the title is just a working title for it. It has nothing to do really with the piece, I just couldn't come up with anything else when I wrote it last night at 2 in the morning.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Jul 12, 2009,
#6
I'll pretty much agree with what has already been said. Fantastic verses, but they make the chorus feel a bit weak in comparison.

I'm actually a fan of random song titles that really have nothing to do with the song (except that they are inspired by the basic object theme of the song).
Quote by necrosis1193
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Quote by Silverstein14
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plexi


i realize the longshot that is. little giant to humongous one.


Rest In Peace Stevie Ray
#9
It's just a working title. I'm going to change it once I come up with something that actually has to do with the song. Thanks though
here, My Dear, here it is
#10
I too liked the second paragraph. It's so true too, I find myself doing stuff like that all the time. Also, I loved the paragraph right before the second chorus. That was very captivating to me and was my favorite part. Like you said, the chorus probably should be changed to better fit the verses. Overall I liked it and liked the consistency of the message and style of writing throughout the song. Nice job. If you could take a look at mine that would be great here's the link https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=20709108#post20709108 Thanks
#11
Because 7 ate 9? lol.

and now I will state again what has already been said:

for sure though. verses were amazing. and the chorus a bit weak. I would choose different comparisons through out the chorus.


-Ryan
#12
Thanks for the kind words. And yes, the chorus 2.0 is in the works. I want to be really good but I've lost the rhythm I was in when I wrote this at first. But once I get back in that mindset when I made it the first time, I think it should come easier.
here, My Dear, here it is
#13
Very good man, first of all I was drawn to the title, pretty funny. And you used two of my favorite poetic elements; alliteration and biblical allusion. And as for those saying the chorus is weak, I think it just needs some minor editing, nothing much though. Maybe tweak the first two lines, but please leave in the "memories crash from the trumpet's blast and the choir is joining in" That is a great line. I assume a Walls of Jericho reference? Very powerful. And the alliteration in the first part of the second verse, very slight but very well done.
#14
Thanks for the kind words man. Actually, if there was a Walls of Jericho reference in there, it was completely unintentional. But I'm gonna look into that, now that you mentioned it.
here, My Dear, here it is
#15
Yeah, the Biblical story of Jericho, where the impenetrable walls of the city are brought crashing down by an army using trumpet blasts and choirs of angels. Your memories are your "walls" that come crashing down, leaving you vulnerable and unprotected, or at least thats what I took from it.
#16
A couple of thoughts...
Why Is Motel 6 Afraid of 7?
I think the title is the most interesting part of the piece.

inside this poorly lit room
reading the Bible you left in the drawer
and i'm skipping straight to Luke
wondering who owes the other more
I personally believe this stanza is out of place.

ripped the phone out of the jack
then skimmed through the guide to look for repair
don't wanna fix it too fast
How does it feel to have no one there?
Now, I have some good imagery, irony, etc.

CHORUS:
Sing your song, you freeway motel friend!
Tell me just when my stay will end
memories crash from the trumpet's blast
and the choir is joining in
So sing your song, my friend!
The chorus is a bit lacking. It feels disconected.

i wrote my name on the wall
so you would have no excuse in the end
when everything starts to fall
there will be nothing left to defend

here comes the dirty daybreak
your rapping on the door tells me to leave
you're a martyr for your own sake
I've no desire to watch as you bleed
"as" trips the flow a bit.

CHORUS

the wallpaper is peeling
exposing what's underneath
don't worry, friend,
that floral design looked far too cheap
Here you ditch your verse rhymescheme. I also didn't like how "cheap" was crammed on the end.

in my dreams, i have been reading your mind
with the help of the television glow
you fidget and squirm every time
the thought of me won't let you go
This was interesting. A little blunt with the "reading your mind" part, but nothing too destructive.

CHORUS


My thoughts were a bit nitpicky but I didn't enjoy this as much as everyone else.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#17
Thanks for your thoughts, man. I'll definitely take what you said into consideration
here, My Dear, here it is
#18
I'm not sure what I can say to add more, everyone here has already done a fantastic job of going over it, but I'll definitely chime in and say that this is a really good piece you wrote.

Yes, the chorus is weak compared to the rest, and just sounds out of place, but the verses are really good. One suggestion on the chorus though, is that you might want to think about throwing in some repetition, also, try thinking about converting one of your verses into series of pre-choruses.
#19
Loved it.The only thing i'd take up issue with is the chorus. Seems like it doesnt belong in the song. I think the problem is the stanzas are strong and captivating. And you expect somthing much more when you get to the chorus, Personally, that's the only thing i'd revise.


I have to agree with everyone else and say this stanza is the best:


ripped the phone out fo the jack
then skimmed through the guide to look for repair
don't wan't to fix it too fast
how does it feel to have no one there?

Makes A connection with the reader, don't know how to explain it. It just feels human. Like, i could imagine myself doing somthing similar.
Good stuff mate.

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Last edited by Jiggzy.UK at Jul 15, 2009,
#20
Thanks for the thoughts and kind words. After a lot of revisions, I finally came up with a new chorus that I'm satisfied with right now and I put it in.
here, My Dear, here it is
#21
very nice. good comparison, etc. rather depressing, but in a good way. all in all, good job
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#22
Much, much better on the chorus. Well done
Quote by necrosis1193
As usual Natrone's mouth spouts general win.

Quote by Silverstein14
man, Natrone you're some kind of ninja I swear


Quote by gregs1020
plexi


i realize the longshot that is. little giant to humongous one.


Rest In Peace Stevie Ray
#23
These are some pretty deep lyrics! The rewritten chorus is too!
No real negative feedback here, perhaps some minor details depending on how you will bring it (you might want to leave the as in the 4th stanza for example) but nothing serious at all. Now you just have to come up with a good title. As previous replies stated, it's quite dark and maybe even depressing.. just how I like them! Keep me in touch when there's more.
(feel free to check out mine, it's in my sig)
#24
Thanks for the crit. I'll get to yours as soon as I have enough time to make a good effort at it.
here, My Dear, here it is