#1
Okay well uh, this is the starting few lyrics of this song im working on and i know you guys are really into judging peices of work peepz produce, so id really like it if you could be as critical as possible when reading this (course without goin over the top ) even though its only a few lines.


Well this nicotine addiction it gets me through the fiction of a life between you and me,
And as you spend another night with a guy you know aint’ right,
to be so many miles away from me.


Ill update this some other time when i get chance and finish it all off just to show you how i get on , Thanks
#2
The first thing I would suggest for further use would be to break up your songs into lines and stanzas like this:

Well this nicotine addiction
it gets me through the fiction
of a life between you and me

And as you spend another night
with a guy you know ain't right
to be so many miles away from me

By doing that, it makes it easier for people to read and thus, easier for them to critique them.

Now as for the piece itself, I think you have a good start and this is a good effort for a first song. Just keep up with this idea and try to steer away from cliches (I'm sure you know what those are). And when you finish, I'd like to see the end product
here, My Dear, here it is
#3
yeah lookin back at it its really cliche so i think ill scrap it , ill finish it off all the same while creating better new material and showing u guys it later eh . thanks for helpin out maan ! =D
#5
It kinda mostly depends on how it fits the music, so we cant really critique the song as if it were a poem...

...and plenty of the best songs have cliche lines, but theres often a reason that those lines get used more often!
#6
I think you should keep going with it(thought it was pretty good)...If you are having second thoughts,shelf it and go back to it at a later date(Don't scrap it!)As for cliches,I don't know of many songs that have not got obvious cliches,see where it takes you,You never know even if you end up not liking the words you could end up with a kick-ass melody from it.