#1
I cannot sleep because I'm thinking of you
I try to think of other things, but I'm still feeling blue
I found out you're with him, now what should I do next?
Nothing they can say or do, can put my mind at rest

Chorus:
These thoughts of you they're filling up my brain
And all that comes with them is dark clouds and rain
These thoughts of you they're filling up my brain
And I'm losing all the thoughts that keep me sane

No you won't see me crying, you won't see me at all (I know)
I doesn't matter how hard I'm trying, I still can't let go
Girl you know there's no other, no-one else I'd rather love
Though you love him, you're all I can think of

Chorus

This lonely feeling is now all too familiar
No I don't like it, but it's just the way things are
And whenever I see you, and look into your eyes
They don't shine for me, after countless tries

Chorus


Thoughts?
Hull City A.F.C

Quote by Thrashtastic15
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Last edited by cam_sampbell at Jul 11, 2009,
#2
Theyre good and very straight to the point.

Find yourself a good descending chord sequence and youre sorted for #1!
#3
Straight to the point, yes, maybe a little too straight. No offense or anything, but I laughed a little with the line "I'm still feeling blue." Maybe it's just me. I liked the chorus, though, and the bridge. Especially the line "They don't shine for me, after countless tries."

Overall good job.
#4
Cheers
Hull City A.F.C

Quote by Thrashtastic15
crunkym toy diuckl;ess ass ****igkjn ****** **** bitch ass pussy ****er douchecanoe ****** **** you s omn cnt you lieet le biutch
#5
As a simple, mainstream pop or indie song, this is great.
As a deeply thought out, clever set of lyrics that will be remember, this isn't great. Sorry.

IMO it needs more nice imagery, more metaphor, and most importantly something that sets it apart from the, literally, thousands of other songs that sound exactly the same as this.

Don't take this too harshly, just trying to help.
#6
Quote by michal23
As a simple, mainstream pop or indie song, this is great.
As a deeply thought out, clever set of lyrics that will be remember, this isn't great. Sorry.

IMO it needs more nice imagery, more metaphor, and most importantly something that sets it apart from the, literally, thousands of other songs that sound exactly the same as this.

Don't take this too harshly, just trying to help.


Yeah, exactly what I was thinking.
#7
No worries, I have to admit it does sound a bit mainstream.
Hull City A.F.C

Quote by Thrashtastic15
crunkym toy diuckl;ess ass ****igkjn ****** **** bitch ass pussy ****er douchecanoe ****** **** you s omn cnt you lieet le biutch
#8
I thought the chorus was rather decent. But overall I don't think the words really hit the audience with that...
"Oh my god, how sad. I've felt that pain."
It's a sad story, but the words make it seem like a game. That's just my take of it.