#1
eleven:eleven.

on a thursday approaching noon
Shane calls me and says:
"i've got a ride back to town, and a lil money, too.
so you wanna party or what?"

i'm like
yeah.

he's a brute, in and out
of the system
since age fourteen;
the mom was a head growing up
and the dad skedaddled
so by unwanted events
his loyalty
in the ties of friendship, are
unscathed by a
circumstancial childhood.
his blueshot eyes stream a
darker consciousness
that says:
fuck the world - this life is mine.

indeed.

and so we began the night
popping valium like PEZ
but
out of a tic-tac bottle -
nothing screams taste like
residual-wintergreen on downers,
and i had some morphine patches
this old-head sold me
for cheap
'cause i changed the bulbs in
his outdoor motionlight;
we were dodging bullets
and buzzkill
in slo-mo.
some hours ticked by and then
he called up a pill-fiend
named Bridgette. she
told us she had
lorcet and liquid promethazine
with sprite
and we'd start spinning
if he'd smoke a couple of bowls
with her.
soon she was here
and then we were everywhere
slumping, sliding out of furniture
and my head felt
too heavy to raise.

Shane and Bridgette
went upstairs to
fuck
while
i took a drive around town
to find more people.
my eyes caught trails of
life and light
and drug and stretched them
past me
and hula-hooped them around
my head;
i was helpless, but withstanding.
and i wanted to find somebody -
wanted to be with somebody.

Shane called me and
"where are you dude?"

driving.

"well me and Bridgette are heading out,
there's a party out on the ridge...you alright?"

yeah i'm fine.

sometimes i turn red
when the others are not
inclusive, but
i guess i dug that hole
hours ago.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jul 12, 2009,
#3
With Zach all the way, this was like being slowly dragged into quicksand. But much more enjoyable
#4
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
G'damn.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
thank you guys for reading.

Mel baby, check your messages.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
Yea, I couldn't stop reading. Many of the pieces I read through on here are trash, not because it is horrible writing but because it fails to pull the reader in. There were so many brilliant pieces in here, and they were put together in a strong manner. It is a squared away piece, but outside of the box. Personally, I could relate to the entire thing, top to bottom. A few favorites...

"his blueshot eyes stream a
darker consciousness
that says:
**** the world - this life is mine."

"i was helpless, but withstanding.
and i wanted to find somebody -
wanted to be with somebody."

I also enjoyed the quirky drug references, and found them not to be in there for a shock factor but more in a way to show the relevance of escapism in the life of the protagonist.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#9
The beginning is a bit sluggish but the piece, to me, really begins at the third stanza. The first two did not really draw me that into the piece but maybe cause of my past with drugs/alcohol that stanza allowed me to pay more attention.

Now, I am not totally in love with this work like a few of the others above. I believe that some of the wording comes out awkward and some of it could be a bit more descriptive. Of course, the ending to the 4th stanza is great but the beginning could have been better.

It seems to me that during most of this piece that problem occurs. The beginnning is average but the endings are great!

One last crit., you do not need the first me in the 1st stanza.... not to be picky but for some odd reason it has annoyed me.

Overall, I would generally state that this is one solid piece that with a few revisions could be a top notch lyrical/poetic piece. Keep the endings and rework the beginnings.

Cheers!

By the way, i have two pieces up that are just a bit below this titled "Together Through Life" and "The Rough, The" please crit. Thanks!
#11
best thing i've read from you in ages. You're Gonzo. Ish. How much of this is true? PM me xxx




love is a dog from hell.



#13
hm, I like you.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#14
popping valium like PEZ
but
out of a tic-tac bottle

PEZ and tic-tac bottle? two candies, three lines, one cup? not very tasteful.

so by unwanted events
his loyalty
in the ties of friendship, are
unscathed by a
circumstancial childhood.
his blueshot eyes stream a
darker consciousness
that says:
**** the world - this life is mine.


i'm a little surprised that this won writing of the week, especially with the lines above. does this strike you? it doesn't strike me at all. this is actually more appropriate as a xanga entry than it is as a poem. the rhythm here doesn't really exist for me, and that's a problem in your use of line breaks. i'll talk more about that later. check your diction: "circumstancial", "consciousness"-- these are abstractions that really mean very little. maybe try some image. these words also don't work sonically.

1) your line breaks:don't break a line after a conjunction. there are certain cases when it's okay, but not for this poem. secondly, you line break too much, and arbitrarily. your lines need to have more substance or a real sense of flow if you want to do something with such an odd form like this. your use of line breaks in this poem as a whole robs it of any discernible rhythm, making it a bit unreadable to me.
2) upon reading the beginning, i thought you and shane were lovers, it's rather unclear until shayne ****s bridgette.


nothing screams taste like
residual-wintergreen on downers,
and i had some morphine patches
this old-head sold me
for cheap
'cause i changed the bulbs in
his outdoor motionlight;

see, this is really great description, one of the best stanzas in this piece. but i wish "for cheap" wasn't on its own line, but rather on the one before it.

don't take this too personally, i'm sure that most of this board will disagree with me. still a good piece overall.
#15
thank you everyone.

Quote by punchupatatigge
check your diction: "circumstancial", "consciousness"-- these are abstractions that really mean very little.
this is the only part of your critique i disagree with.

the reason why he is such a good friend is because he knows what it's like to be completely alone...i.e.: the mom was a crackhead/the father ran out on him/he's spent time in and out of prison - "circumstantial childhood" was a good nutshell to throw this all into to sever a long, drug-out dipiction of something that didn't totally relate to the piece, imo. the "darker consciousness," the side that everyone else gets to see - is clearly relatable, or even to be assumed, that a person of his caliber faced a bad childhood; a side never to be revealed totally to friends, though.
i just wanted his character to stand out much more than mine...until the end, that is.

/piece's defense.
i almost completely agree with you on everything else though.
my line breaks
are
a bitch.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jul 22, 2009,
#16
your line breaks are beautiful.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#17
Quote by punchupatatigge
PEZ and tic-tac bottle? two candies, three lines, one cup? not very tasteful.


i'm a little surprised that this won writing of the week, especially with the lines above. does this strike you? it doesn't strike me at all. this is actually more appropriate as a xanga entry than it is as a poem. the rhythm here doesn't really exist for me, and that's a problem in your use of line breaks. i'll talk more about that later. check your diction: "circumstancial", "consciousness"-- these are abstractions that really mean very little. maybe try some image. these words also don't work sonically.

1) your line breaks:don't break a line after a conjunction. there are certain cases when it's okay, but not for this poem. secondly, you line break too much, and arbitrarily. your lines need to have more substance or a real sense of flow if you want to do something with such an odd form like this. your use of line breaks in this poem as a whole robs it of any discernible rhythm, making it a bit unreadable to me.
2) upon reading the beginning, i thought you and shane were lovers, it's rather unclear until shayne ****s bridgette.


see, this is really great description, one of the best stanzas in this piece. but i wish "for cheap" wasn't on its own line, but rather on the one before it.

don't take this too personally, i'm sure that most of this board will disagree with me. still a good piece overall.


+100%

this is a bit lazy, there is no technique here.
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#18
Quote by Matt
there is no technique here.
not everything revolves around technique.

and lazy? lol, ok.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jul 27, 2009,
#20


This is a painting by Andy Dixon, he does some good stuff occassionally, but here is my point. This painting has, no technique, it is lazy, and offers no such insight as to the actual skill of the artist. Not entirely important, but hey, who am I to talk, let me move on to evidence b. This painint was done with crayons, and some oil on a canvas.



This is a painting done with Acrylic, by James Jean. He is mostly known for comic book covers and the like. This painting is similar to the first one, in that it is a study of the face. This painting shows technique, shading, composition, the varience of colors, etc. etc. So side by side, they two paintings of the same thing which is better? This also took far more time to do, the first one could have been done in an afternoon by a fourth grader, yet this one looks like it took a day, drawing, painting, and then adding the background detail.

This is not a question of what is art, but with proper technique and time and not just laziness and "style" you can create something better, more profound and far more interesting. Of course that's a matter of opinion, but if you were to go back an add to this, fix the line breaks and think about the enjambment properly, and then add more to each line, you could actually have a well thought piece, instead of a lazily broken up livejournal entry.
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