#1
Haven't written in awhile..unfinished..

c4c

verse:
This is just one of those times nothing feels right,
I could cry, I could laugh, or I could fight.
But none of these seem to be good enough;
without you I don't seem to be good enough.

verse:
And I should probably snap back to reality-
my heart belongs not to you, but to me.
But we both know it'd be worthless;
how could I ever move on from this?

chorus:
They say, "Take your heart back if you want anything left."
But my heart had an open door,
you came in and took some more.
They tell me I'm only giving in,
But what's the point in trying
when all I want is for you to win.
Last edited by Cyclones41 at Jul 12, 2009,
#2
Quote by Cyclones41
Haven't written in awhile..unfinished..

c4c

verse:
This is just one of those times nothing feels right,
I could cry, I could laugh, or I could fight.
But none of these seem to be good enough;
without you, I don't seem to be good enough.
-Cry and Laugh are rather overplayed, but i still like the way the whole verse went

verse:
And I should probably snap back to reality-
my heart belongs not to you, but to me.
But we both know it'd be worthless,
because I'd still want to feel your kiss.
-While i understand that you are trying to rhyme the lines, kiss is a real curveball in reading If the last line was a little more potent, the whole verse would be a great follow up

chorus:
They say, "Take your heart back if you want anything left."
But my heart had an open door,
you came in and took some more.
-This is a really weak line in my opinion.
They tell me I'm only giving in,
But what's the point in trying
when all I want is for you to win.
-Another line where you sacrificed your voice for a rhyme. This one isn't terrible, but still feels like you can find something a lot stronger to go here.


If you write any more lines, i'll happily come back to crit them I've enjoyed reading thusfar.
#3
it started strong, but throughout I feel like you lost a little of your shine by forcing rhymes. especially the line "but i'd still want to feel your kiss" this lost the effect the song had. i'm eager to see any lines you might add
"I is another." - Rimbaud