#1

I'm a young impressionable boy,
You better not be leading me down the dark side.

Dark side? What do you mean?
I am all rainbows and sunshine.


I don’t really know,
I'm just making sure.
Sometimes I confuse myself.

Perhaps, deep down inside,
you were hoping I would.


You know me too well.


This is not a pipe
#3
Quote by michal23
I enjoyed this. I think, if anything, I'd have liked to see more.


Me too.
This is not a pipe
#4
Quote by Carmel

I'm a young impressionable boy,
You better not be leading me down the dark side.
I don't really like how "dark side" reminds me of star wars or something which just doesn't seem like something for poetry. It's not a big problem, I'm just letting you know that came to mind for me when I read it.

Dark side? What do you mean?
I am all rainbows and sunshine.
I sort of want it to be I'm. It sort of parallels the first line and seems more colloquial. I read it as I'm when I first went through


I don’t really know,
I'm just making sure.
Sometimes I confuse myself.
I very much like this section. I swear I've said this same thing before word for word haha. So it sounds very natural to me.

Perhaps, deep down inside,
you were hoping I would.
Nice. I want to make this character a little less 'proper' again and say 'maybe' instead of perhaps. I like the idea of a colloquial conversation and 'perhap' works but is just less natural for me. Maybe you have a different look at it but I think it would work better as maybe.


You know me too well.
I feel like I've seen this ending before. I wanted something new but this works and it's comfortable and good.




Overall, I like this. I'm going to remember the 3rd and 4th stanzas for a while, I know, but I don't think I'm gonna remember the piece as a whole as much. It's good but not as powerful as some of your stuff.

Cool. Hope you're doing well.
~Jimmy
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me