#1
c4c.



Erin and I had curled up on the hillside,
looking to the sky and sculpting clouds into
animals and plants and beer bottles and faces.
She was the first friend I'd had in years.

But the sun became angry,
dropped his shoulders and burnt the sky dead;
"you'll never take me alive"
and he meant it.

I saw a cloud that looked like New York City;
and the fire grew closer and closer and closer
until all the little people in the cloud
shrieked, cried, gasped, moaned.
Silence.

"Erin, my imaginary friends all died."
Silence.

She lay lifeless in my arms.
#3
This was an amazing piece from start to finish, really enjoyed it. "beer bottles" was the only thing in the piece that really didn't seem to go along with the flow your imagery created, but I could just as easily be overanalyzing. I can also see where him seeing a beer bottle in the clouds is a reflection on his nature or past, which in itself makes you really think about the imagery.

I wouldn't say i related to the piece, but I really got into it. A work of art.
Last edited by NinthDetour at Jul 15, 2009,
#4
I agree with everyone else here. The ending was brilliant in my opinion. I'm sorry I don't anything more substantial to suggest but I wouldn't change a thing about this.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
I think the writing here is showing a lot of improvement for you. It's just better worded than a lot of your stuff for the most part.
The parts I thought were lacking were the places where you tried to personify the sun. That image and emotion fell short there. I mean the sun lowering it's shoulders and killing the sky just doesn't work the way it is right now. I'd consider rewriting how that takes place.

But the sun became angry,
dropped his shoulders and burnt the sky dead;
"you'll never take me alive"
and he meant it.

and the fire grew closer and closer and closer

these parts are what I'm talking about. It seems for one, too out of nowhere. You introduce this section with "but the sun became angry." There's not enough of a set up to make this a smooth transition. And it sounds overly contrived and just sort of badly played out. I think you could take the idea of the sun killing the cloud people and do it more tactfully.

Hopefully that's somewhat helpful. Sorry I'm late returning this. If you want me to go back and look at the other one, I'd have not problem doing that one too. Just say. I might pm you a line or two about it if I get around to it on my own soon.

see ya around. Nice piece.
Jimmy
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Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#6
I liked this for the most part too. My only complaint is similar to Jimmy's in regards to the Sun part coming out of nowhere. With a piece that's so short as it is you have lots of room to include a smoother transition between the first and second stanzas.

Good read still.

#7
i tell you what, I've read this about five times now, and the end still hits me so hard. this is absolutely beautiful Zach.
#8
the imagination can be a very strong force, and you start to understand how strong it is even when you imaginal friends die. seems to me you are letting the susposed 'real world' infect you imaginal. attempt to seperate.
#9
I love the contrasts in this piece, between life and death, love and despair. It's really beautifully thought out.

Like everyone else here, I loved the ending, really made the whole piece that much more special and brilliant.

The only slight problem I have with it is the 3rd line seems sort of a weird transition, but aside from that, it's perfect.
#10
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c.

Okay, real critique time.


Erin and I had curled up on the hillside,
looking to the sky and sculpting clouds into
I'd personally stick "into" on the next line. It seems like a weird place to put a line break.
animals and plants and beer bottles and faces.
She was the first friend I'd had in years.

But the sun became angry,
As someone has already pointed out, this is a very uncomfortable transition, in that it feels somewhat arbitrary; the first stanza doesn't really naturaly progress into this one. Personally, I'd either change this first line, or mention the sun at some point in the first stanza.
dropped his shoulders and burnt the sky dead;
"you'll never take me alive"
I'd stick a full stop at the end of this line, I think the pause is more effective.
and he meant it.

I saw a cloud that looked like New York City;
and the fire grew closer and closer and
It took me a while to realise where this 'fire' has come from, but I think you should leave it as it is.
until all the little people in the cloud
Little people was a bit... meh. I didn't like it.
shrieked, cried, gasped, moaned.
I'd add "until" or something along those lines, or performing a similar function, at the end of this line. Otherwise, the sudden "silence" on the next, is almost out of nowhere.
Silence.

"Erin, my imaginary friends have all died."
Silence.
Repetition was of silence was particularly effective.

She lay lifeless in my arms
Awesome ending!
.


I've nitpicked through this as much as I could. I really like it.

If you want to return a comment:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1162168

Thanks.
#11
I've been planning on getting to this for quite some time now.

Erin and I had curled up on the hillside,
looking to the sky and sculpting clouds into
animals and plants and beer bottles and faces.
Personally, I feel that the repetition of "and" makes this line just drag on too much. It could work for me if you left it as
"animals and plants. Beer bottles and faces."

She was the first friend I'd had in years.

But the sun became angry,
This line lacks your craftsmanship present in the rest of the piece. Showing the sun's fiery fury would be much more appropriate. This is, rather dull to be honest.
dropped his shoulders and burnt the sky dead;
"dead" is more-or-less just tagged onto the end. I feel that it takes away from the ending (your imaginary friends die part). I'm not sure if that semi-colon is used correctly.
"you'll never take me alive"
and he meant it.

I saw a cloud that looked like New York City;
Why does the cloud look like new your city? Give me a landmark maybe. Or just say there are buildings and it reminds you. Hell, I might think it looks like a butthole.
and the fire grew closer and closer and closer
I'm a bit skeptical about the "closer and.." part. It drags on in my opinion. Seriously, I understand that the fire is approaching.
until all the little people in the cloud
Little People? eh. thats nothing major I guess.
shrieked, cried, gasped, moaned.
Silence.

"Erin, my imaginary friends all died."
This is the major part that I find 'shaky' with your piece. To me, you're contradicting yourself. You say she's your only friend you've had in years. YET! All your imaginary friends die. That would make all the people in the cloud also your friend. What I'm getting at is, either you're lying and she's not the first friend you've had in years, or you need to rephrase that statement to include that she is the first REAL friend you've had in years.
Silence.

She lay lifeless in my arms.


This was very well writen.


Also, now that I've read the other comments I'll add in that the sun did pop out of nowhere. If you talked about the sky a bit first and then went to the sun; the idea would flow a bit more logically.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#12
I agree that the transition isn't smooth. Why did the Sun become angry?

And to ninja monkey, just because she is the first friend he's had in years doesn't mean that she is the only friend he has now. He could have, after inventing Erin, invented more people to be his friends.

Also, I'm wondering if there is something else about that NY thing; as in some hidden message that in the general populous you have a lot of "friends", but then something happens and they aren't your friends anymore (though this would conflict with Erin).
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#13

Erin and I had curled up on the hillside,
looking to the sky and sculpting clouds into
animals and plants and beer bottles and faces.
She was the first friend I'd had in years.
the third line runs on a bit, but beer bottles wrecks it nicely.
it's comes from out of nowhere.
i like the purposeful setup on the last line.
it throws some focus on Erin as you move away from her for now.


But the sun became angry,
dropped his shoulders and burnt the sky dead;
"you'll never take me alive"
and he meant it.
this section served its purpose but nothing about it really knocked me out.
personification of the sun was good, but pretty much expected.


I saw a cloud that looked like New York City;
and the fire grew closer and closer and closer
until all the little people in the cloud
shrieked, cried, gasped, moaned.
Silence.
the fourth line struck a chord with me for some reason.
i'm not entirely certain why.
and strangely, the people not only came across as small, but also rodent-like.
don't ask me why. i haven't the foggiest.
i've always been a sucker for a single word line, so the last of this played well to me.


"Erin, my imaginary friends all died."
Silence.
usually i would hate a repetition like that.
here it played well enough.


She lay lifeless in my arms.
I read this several times and still couldn't decide whether to applaud you for the twist or groan just a bit for the melodrama. It was short and abrupt enough without undue fanfare, so I guess that makes the decision clear.

Meadows
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#14
Quote by ZanasCross

Erin and I had curled up on the hillside,
looking to the sky and sculpting clouds into
animals and plants and beer bottles and faces.
She was the first friend I'd had in years.

This is a good start. I don't see how the name was necessary though, it kind of makes it more explicit and less obscure.

But the sun became angry,
dropped his shoulders and burnt the sky dead;
"you'll never take me alive"
and he meant it.

Ok now this doesn't seem to make any sense. Could it be the sun setting? The "you'll never take me alive" seems a bit out of context.

I saw a cloud that looked like New York City;
and the fire grew closer and closer and closer
until all the little people in the cloud
shrieked, cried, gasped, moaned.
Silence.

This is good. The single word "silence" at the end makes it very effective. However I'd suggest changing "New York City" to "a city". I think it would be better if it were less specific.

"Erin, my imaginary friends all died."
Silence.

This line seems to throw off the rest of the song. I don't get it. It could be due to it's length
How did the people of the cloud NYC die? And I still don't understand the fire in the story.


She lay lifeless in my arms.

Good, very good solid ending, but again out of context. She died. How did she die? I think if you'd expanded on the previous verse this might be explained. But it seems that 'Erin' dies suddenly and unexpectedly for no reason. Expand on this a bit.


Well written and well worded, just a few things I think you need to change a bit. The story seems like there are a lot of pages missing that you need to fill in.

Well done.

I would appreciate crits on my piece (link in sig)
#15
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c.



Erin and I had curled up on the hillside,
looking to the sky and sculpting clouds into
animals and plants and beer bottles and faces.
I didn't like that repition of "and" that much, I'd probably add a coma in there.
She was the first friend I'd had in years.

But the sun became angry,
dropped his shoulders and burnt the sky dead;
"you'll never take me alive"
Add a
and he meant it.
This is probably me not thinking enough but I didn't got this stanza at all

I saw a cloud that looked like New York City;
and the fire grew closer and closer and closer
I'd probably take that last "and closer" leave it to just two, sounds better to me.
until all the little people in the cloud
"Little people", kinda, meh. Not bad, though.
shrieked, cried, gasped, moaned.
Silence.
Loved the silence ...

"Erin, my imaginary friends all died."
Silence.
... loved it.

She lay lifeless in my arms.
Awesome ending, awesome.


Sorry for taking so much to respond, I'm not always on UG
Thanks a lot for criting mine, you were really helpful and I absolutely enjoyed your piece here, awesome job

[Also, if anyone wants to crit mine, here it is : https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=20829852#post20829852]
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Last edited by MegaShreeder at Jul 23, 2009,
#16
Wow.
I loved it, so sad, so perfect. I really loved it, it almost makes me want to cry.
#17
Quote by jiminizzle
I think the writing here is showing a lot of improvement for you. It's just better worded than a lot of your stuff for the most part.
The parts I thought were lacking were the places where you tried to personify the sun. That image and emotion fell short there. I mean the sun lowering it's shoulders and killing the sky just doesn't work the way it is right now. I'd consider rewriting how that takes place.

But the sun became angry,
dropped his shoulders and burnt the sky dead;
"you'll never take me alive"
and he meant it.

and the fire grew closer and closer and closer

these parts are what I'm talking about. It seems for one, too out of nowhere. You introduce this section with "but the sun became angry." There's not enough of a set up to make this a smooth transition. And it sounds overly contrived and just sort of badly played out. I think you could take the idea of the sun killing the cloud people and do it more tactfully.
Jimmy


Yes I agree with him that the Imagry was a little undeveloped but the rest of it was very good
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