#1
I encourage you to hate this.

[font="Book Antiqua"]As the sun slips deeper
on some far away horizon,
this king stares back boldly
to his roots.
he has grown old and frail,
joys forgotten by the
everyday noise of
everyday life.
A cracked green crown
looks down on
dark red jewels,
cradled by the
soft dark ground;
he only wears his age with pride.
But if you go out on the
[I][B]blackest[/B][/I]
winter night,
listen closely;
and you will hear
the ghostly whispers from afar
of dying leaves,
teaching secrets to the stars.[/FONT]
Last edited by michal23 at Jul 13, 2009,
#2
Quote by michal23

all your code are belong to me

As the sun slips deeper
on some far away horizon,
'deeper on' makes no sense, has to be 'deeper into or onto or through something'
this king stares back boldly
you've described something and then said 'this king'. This is like you're a guy in a pub describing a cliche 'them bloody clouds yeah, they were ALL in the way, and y'know right, this KING guy...' in short it was just silly
to his roots.
I don't know if he's a tree or what now Give me something solid, you're just saying images
he has grown old and frail,
joys forgotten by the
everyday noise of
everyday life.
hated the rhythm created by the line breaks. Something makes me want this to turn out to be about Nietzsche and the line 'you don't grow old and stop dancing, you stop dancing and grow old'
A cracked green crown
looks down on,
why the comma? WHY? And you could've had some intertwining rhyme here but you put a ruddy line break there and killed it. If you're going to do descriptive do it with lines that can hold it
dark red jewels,
cradled by the
soft dark ground;
he only wears his age with pride.
But if you go out on the
blackest

winter night,
listen closely;
and you will hear
the ghostly whispers from afar
from dying leaves,
teaching secrets to the stars.


Lovely ending. Lovely lovely. This is so silly.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
Katherine was spot on with her points, I'll just add a little bit.

As the sun slips deeper
on some far away horizon,

If you're talking about a far away horizon then just say "a far away horizon". When you use an expression like "some" horizon it's like you're going out of your way to be vague when it's really not necessary, and isn't advantageous to the piece at all.

this king stares back boldly
to his roots.
he has grown old and frail,
joys forgotten by the
everyday noise of
everyday life.
A cracked green crown
looks down on
dark red jewels,
cradled by the
soft dark ground;

You've used "dark" as a descriptive twice here very close to each other.

he only wears his age with pride.
But if you go out on the
blackest
winter night,

This could just be me, but as soon as you say winter I think snow, which doesn't harmonize with the description of the "soft dark ground" or the dying leaves. It might make more sense to refer to autumn instead, especially considering the mention of dying leaves.

listen closely;
and you will hear
the ghostly whispers from afar
from dying leaves,

Using "from" twice within a three word span kind of slowed me down a bit. It would probably be safe to use "of" for the second one.

teaching secrets to the stars.


Cool stuff though. I enjoyed it. I'd love for you to check out my latest.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1161506