#1
Running in quick
With my head real low
The purpose or cause
I really don't know
Just a tiny puppet
On a power string
My gun and will
Is all I bring

I just wanna sleep
Next to my wife
Can't even see
My child's life
He's only four
But I've missed so much
His first steps
And his gentle touch

Cause I'm on the front line
And I'm doing damn fine
Just clearing the way
For the soldiers behind
No worries or care
Regret or fear
I'm going through with this
And hoping to see you there

My wife walked out
Can't afford my rent
I barely see my son
Feel like a bad parent
My friends from war
Live very far away
I live my life alone
But its better this way

My eyes grow weary
My heavy feet drag on
Got nothing to my name
But this song

Cause I'm on the front line
And I'm doing damn fine
Just clearing the way
For the soldiers behind
No worries or care
Regret or fear
I'm going through with this
And hoping to see you there
#2
My main problem with this piece is the syllables counts jack up any rhythm thats going for it. Other than that I like the message. bitter and cold but thats just the way it is, kind of thing came across really well. It was a sad read, but it hit home even though im not a soldier. I'm going to go through the piece and put in words/take out words that change the rhythm/meaning/flow to a better read for me.

Running in quick
With my head tucked low
My purpose or cause
I really don't know
I'm a propped up puppet
On a power string
My gun and will
Is all I have to bring

I just wanna sleep
Next to my wife
Can't even see
My child's life<- not sure what I would change here but it doesn't hit home for meyetHe's only four
And I've missed so much
His first steps
And his warm loving touch

Cause I'm on the front line
And I'm doing damn well fine
Just clearing the way
For the soldiers behind
No worries or care
Nor Regret or fear
I'm going through with this
with hopes to see you there

My wife walked out
Can't afford my rent
I barely see my son
Feel like a bad parent <- parent is sounds super forced
My friends from war
Live miles away
I live alone
And its better this way

My eyes grow weary
My heavy feet drag on
Got nothing to my name
But this God Damned song

Cause I'm on the front line
And I'm doing damn well fine
Just clearing the way
For the soldiers behind
No worries or care
Nor Regret or fear
I'm going through with this
With hopes to see you there


It was a good read. thanks for sharing. I hope that at least some of this comes to use for you.

-Ryan
#3
I liked all the changes actually... except the "well" in the chorus.


Feel like a bad parent <- parent is sounds super forced
Thinking of changing it to... "Wish I had never went" or something along those lines.