#1
I feel this may be too cliched/cheesy so i wanted folks opinions that hopefully wouldnt mock me too much......

Im slipping down a path of anger and hate,
Sh*t this life seems just so f**king great,
At what point did the relationship stumble and break
Your pit deepened and deepened, turning into a right jake.

Its at a stage now its just too damn late,
You had it all all tossed it away,
Was it not enough, Would you blame it on fate?
Its tearing me apart, youve hurt so many and gained f**k all anyway

I dont know what the swearing situation is on these forums so if i've broke rules i apologise mod man.

Well that was it so far, so give me your opinions thanks

x

*This is a repost as i didnt have a title before which some people dont seem to like too much *

Peace Out!

x
When you are past the stage of noob, you then become a geek.....

Epiphones are the way forward! <3
Last edited by Callum_29 at Jul 12, 2009,
#2
I'm sorry man, but I'd scrap it.

1. It's clear that some of the lines were written exclusively because the rhymed. The most notable example:
"At what point did the relationship stumble and break
Your pit deepened and deepened, turning into a right jake."
What the f**k is "a right jake"?
Try a different rhyme scheme
ex: ABAC, ABCB
Or don't even rhyme at all
ex: ABCDE
When writing lyrics you don't have to rhyme sh!t. Just make sure it flows. Which brings me to my next point.

2. Make it flow more! I defy you to sing that in a manner that doesn't sound awkward.
Study up on some meter!

3. Less angst. I'm sure it hurts when your lady leaves you but I'm sorry that song screams whiny-angsty-14-year-old-thinks-that-sits-around-complaining-about-everything/We get nobody knows this pain but you.

Okay, I know that was all a bit harsh, but I don't tell you this to be a dick, I tell you this to be a better songwriter. #3 is especially harsh, but it needed to be said (lyrics like this are generic and you sound like a weeny), and your friends wouldn't tell you either because they agree or because they don't want to come off like a dick. Luckily you got me, some random asshole on the internet to give you all the sh*t I think you can take.

Again, I'm not trying to flame you or be a dick, I am however going to be tough because based on the fact that you have good enough grammar/vocabulary/the ability to use spellcheck you seem smart and I am sure you can write a good song.

By the way, I'm definitely not saying that writing a song about how it sucks to break up is angsty or anything but "Im slipping down a path of anger and hate"? Seriously?
Last edited by TheFerret at Jul 12, 2009,
#3
Very contrived. Great writers can substitute descriptive words for cussing. You should work on that.
#4
Yeah mate, some of the song is using scottish slang e.g jake means alcoholic and its not about my lady leaving me its about my family breaking apart so its a pretty angry personal song, and if im honest i feel the need to complain about that if its okay with you?


I appreciate your critisism as it will help me improve as im sure many people have been harshly critised but as i said its my first song attempt and it can be worked on it was a spur of the moment jot down.

I also feel the personal attacks were uneeded about me being a whiny teenager etc when you know about a sticky notes worth of details about me.

But any way i understand what you're aboutwith the swearing it was just cos i wrote it in a fit of annoyance.

x
When you are past the stage of noob, you then become a geek.....

Epiphones are the way forward! <3
#5
Again, I'm sorry if I was a bit harsh. The last thing I want to do is discourage you from writing more.

Angry and personal can be good. A chance to complain is not. There is indeed a difference between complaining to the audience and sharing your pain with the audience.
Think about this: if you are in audience to you want to be complained to, or do you want to walk in the musicians shoes, feel what he's feeling, indulge?

And if you don't mind me asking a personal question, you say it's about you're family falling apart. Do you blame one person for it? If you want to PM me about it or even if you don't want to share it by all means it's cool.

Finally, I wasn't necessarily trying to insinuate that you were a whiny teenager, just that your song had a lot of whiny teen cliches (I know that's not really a step up). In all honesty you seem like a nice enough guy.

And if you want my opinion, I wouldn't necessarily say swearing in a song is a bad thing, but I wouldn't use it as filler like some of your lyrics.

Edit: Actually looking back at it, the whole thing doesn't sound angsty, but it just started off on an extreme wrong foot.
Im slipping down a path of anger and hate,
Sh*t this life seems just so f**king great
I would avoid metaphors like "path of anger and hate"
Last edited by TheFerret at Jul 14, 2009,